Barking dogs and Magic Mushrooms do not go together.

Since recently on the topic of dogs, I forgot to write about an experience I had during August 2004. I had gone away to a friends cottage late Friday night. My dog was to be alone for about 8 hours or so, with my mum coming early the next day to babysit, so I believed all was fine.

Granted, I should have arranged someone to come earlier and I take full responsibilty for it.

Anyhow, Saturday comes along and were all happily basking in the Parry Sound Sun. Water is warm and weather is beautiful with an ever so slight breeze. The true story begins, when one of our friends decides to take out his bag of magic mushrooms to share with everyone. Now, take note that I have only done this once before, but what I took was smaller than my fingernail, and had little to no effect. This time, they hand me something about the size of my index finger which I eat suspiciously.

What began as a nice day literally turned into a nightmare within the hour. The initial high was fine, but paranoia and hullicinations were going to be the chosen theme for the day for me. Branches, trees, grass and even the wallpaper were crawling like bugs and had me completely freaked out. I have never been in a powerless situation like that and I will never put myself there again. This of course, lasted 6 hours and at the 4th hour I get a call from my hysterical mother telling me that the neighbours had called the security and Police indicating that the dog had been abandoned and abused as she was whining and barking all morning. The police apparently came and said the dog had defecated and urinated all over the home. If the constable had taken a little more care, he would have noticed that the supposed shit were actually her toys and bones strewn about the floor.

This of course could’nt have come at the worst moment. I don’t believe I have ever been more stressed in my life. To top it off, the neighbour left a nasty letter at my door, indicating that I was abusive and that the dog barks everytime they walk down the corridor (like duh!). They called the Humane society, and upon their arrival, the neighbour accosted my mother whilst she was sitting watching Tele with kalyx. Mum of course is a petite, diminutive lady, and she immediately began to cry. The humane society lady was sweet and said that the neighbours were being ridiculous and indicated that kalyx’s mixed breeding made her a whiner, and that she would most certainly bark if someone unfamiliar walked past the front door. She pointed out that it was the nature of dogs to bark.

Now, I realise that I made a misjudgement in leaving Kalyx for an extended period of time, and tehre is no excuse for that. But the kicker was my conversation with my neighbour that Sunday night.

I called her Saturday while in Cottage country and left a mesasge to apologise, and for her to return my call Sunday evening, which she promptly did. She starts the conversation by saying Kalyx always whines and barks, which I tell her I am sorry about, but little I can do. Kalyx literally whines all the time -when we leave, go, move from one room to the other, play, walk, etc. Her whining is equivalent to that annoying tap that never ceases to drip. I have lived with it for 13 years and I am used to it.

I apologise for the barking, and continue by telling her that the walls are quite thin, as her boyfriend had indicated that he could hear me play the piano every now and then. She then responds by saying

“Yeah, we can hear you play Coldplay. One day you’ll get it right!”

Was that completely necessary? I was completely aghast that she would be so nasty. I ended the conversation there. Saw her a few times thereafter, but was cordial. Anyhow, she and her boyfriend have moved. So now, I suppose I have “Bad Neighbour” to add to my any qualities.

Letting my guard down

Let me first begin by saying that I am not jaded and bitter.

Of course, now having said that, half of you are rolling your eyes, and giving a good chuckle. But honestly, being jaded is not in my nature and it is not something I would want to be. However, when it does come to relationships, I have always been somewhat leary. Cautious might be the more appropriate word, but the idea of being in love with someone so deeply has always been somewhat foreign to me. I know, it really is a sad thing to say, but it is the truth. I came from a family, where open displays of affection were not particularly common. Family life was sometimes traumatic and painfully disturbing, and I am sure it set a psychological and emotional precedence for my life. Thinking back to all my relationships, it is hard for me to know if I was truly in love with any of them. I realise that this had a lot to do with my fear of rejection and abandonment, but that is something I have been working on and believe I am overcoming.

When you have had so many things happen in your life that either hold you down or kick you to the curb, it is hard to put trust in other people, but more so to allow trust in yourself. You find it hard to believe that you can be loved when those you had loved hurt you. It’s not rocket science. It’s emotional scarring and the need for self preservation, and it is the truth. A truth that I have realised and am still sorting out.

Having said this, I have found myself in an unusual situation. I have never dated or gone out with anyone for more than a few months whereby at some point I begin to get bored, or begin to question the validity of the relationship. I have also never lived with a partner or spent more than a few days consecutively day and night. It usually gets to that stage where you start to pick out qualites you don’t like in the person and wonder if you can live with them. You take the glue away from the relationship and it unwinds faster than you can believe. It often was a welcome thing for me, as I could then pull away and not commit to trust or love. I was far to rational and logic to believe that love was something that could fulfill something in you. Oddly enough, it has now been 3 months since I met Rib Breaker, and I have gotten cold feet once for about 10 minutes. It quickly dissappated when I saw his face and received a hug. I really hate sounding sappy and gushy, but he makes me happy and has literally been with me everyday since we met.

I admit, that I by definition have never been a very demonstrative or emotional person. Well, the truth is that I never let people believe I was. Emotions were a sign of weakness and irrational behaviour, which I realise is a somewhat chavinistic, machismo attitude. It is something that I have been working on, and again something that I attribute to that fear of letting my guard down, and trusting myself.

Luckily, Rib Breaker is easy-going, laidback, intelligent, unassuming, unpretentious, funny and incredibly sexy. He is an incredible person and so much more real than anyone else I have ever met. We don’t take anything too seriously and believe humour and laughter to be the basis for our relationship.

Yes, the early stages are often filled with gushy feelings and ridiculous displays of affection, but I am enjoying it, as I have never before. There is a passion here now that I have never felt, and I don’t want to quell it. I am curious and want to explore the options. It should be an interesting adventure.

A New experience

Let me first begin by saying that I am not jaded and bitter.

Of course, now having said that, half of you are rolling your eyes, and giving a good chuckle. But honestly, being jaded is not in my nature and it is not something I would want to be. However, when it does come to relationships, I have always been somewhat leary. Cautious might be the more appropriate word, but the idea of being in love with someone so deeply has always been somewhat foreign to me. I know, it really is a sad thing to say, but it is the truth. I came from a family, where open displays of affection were not particularly common. Family life was sometimes traumatic and painfully disturbing, and I am sure it set a psychological and emotional precedence for my life. Thinking back to all my relationships, it is hard for me to know if I was truly in love with any of them. I realise that this had a lot to do with my fear of rejection and abandonment, but that is something I have been working on and believe I am overcoming.

When you have had so many things happen in your life that either hold you down or kick you to the curb, it is hard to put trust in other people, but more so to allow trust in yourself. You find it hard to believe that you can be loved when those you had loved hurt you. It’s not rocket science. It’s emotional scarring and the need for self preservation, and it is the truth. A truth that I have realised and am still sorting out.

Having said this, I have found myself in an unusual situation. I have never dated or gone out with anyone for more than a few months whereby at some point I begin to get bored, or begin to question the validity of the relationship. I have also never lived with a partner or spent more than a few days consecutively day and night. It usually gets to that stage where you start to pick out qualites you don’t like in the person and wonder if you can live with them. You take the glue away from the relationship and it unwinds faster than you can believe. It often was a welcome thing for me, as I could then pull away and not commit to trust or love. I was far to rational and logic to believe that love was something that could fulfill something in you. Oddly enough, it has now been 3 months since I met Rib Breaker, and I have gotten cold feet once for about 10 minutes. It quickly dissappated when I saw his face and received a hug. I really hate sounding sappy and gushy, but he makes me happy and has literally been with me everyday since we met.

I admit, that I by definition have never been a very demonstrative or emotional person. Well, the truth is that I never let people believe I was. Emotions were a sign of weakness and irrational behaviour, which I realise is a somewhat chavinistic, machismo attitude. It is something that I have been working on, and again something that I attribute to that fear of letting my guard down, and trusting myself.

Luckily, Rib Breaker is easy-going, laidback, intelligent, unassuming, unpretentious, funny and incredibly sexy. He is an incredible person and so much more real than anyone else I have ever met. We don’t take anything too seriously and believe humour and laughter to be the basis for our relationship.

Yes, the early stages are often filled with gushy feelings and ridiculous displays of affection, but I am enjoying it, as I have never before. There is a passion here now that I have never felt, that I don’t want to quell it. I am curious and want to explore the options. It should be an interesting adventure.

Puppy Power

I've been sick and I've not been in the writing mood. I blame it on the damned power outage I had this past Sunday and my inability to stay warm for 12 hours. So instead, here are some pictures of my baby. Well, she's not a baby, she's a dog. She's 13 years old and a nut just like me. But isn't she cute?


Babooshka or is it Not Without My Daughter?

Camera shy Kalyx
New booties and coat




Christmas Kalyx

Quick excerpts that I forgot to mention.

Thursday Jan 13, 2005

My hair was all nappy and big, and as close to an afro as it gets. My Project coordinator at work also made mention of it, and gave me a complex, so I had to go cut it. I went to see my Vietnamese hairdresser, and upon sitting she proceeded to ask how my holiday was. This was the conversation:

Hair Dresser: Oh, Hi Alex! Good to see you! How was your holiday?
Me: Good thanks.
HD: You see lots of family, or just see friends?
Me: Both. I had some small gatherings with friends, and had Christmas dinner with family on the 25th and on the 27th.
HD: Oh that nice. You eat a lot?
Me: Well, I guess. I cooked Christmas dinner for the family. there was lots of food, because there were 14 people. Then on the 27th, my brother and I cooked for 29 people.
HD: Oh, That a lot of people! So you eat a lot then. I can see!
Me: You can see?
HD: Yes. You more round in face, and fatter in body. Holiday fat.
Me: (staring blankly): Oh...
HD: Oh no! It look good. Much better now. You clothes fit more nicely. Before you so skinny like skeleton.
Me: (staring blankly): Oh...

The remainder of the haircut was silent. I paid her, gave her the usual tip and left.
That night I had a salad.

Scissor Sistors Concert

Scissor Sisters Concert

10:10pm @ The Guvernment

It was a fucking cold Monday night in Toronto, and my balls had literally retreated into my throat on account of the -36 degree celsius cold front. I would have been content staying in with the dog and a warm cup of tea, but I had a date with the Scissor Sisters for an evening of sexy rock and funky disco at the Guvernment. I am glad I braved the frigid weather, as this was by far the best concert I have ever been to, and I wasn't even on drugs.

After having made 2 trips to the venue (I had to return home to get my forgotten ticket), I entered a room full of energy and excitement. The crowd was energetic, eclectic, friendly and very sexy. After listening to the opening band, we all waited with anticipation for the Scissor Sisters to come on stage. We were'nt dissappointed by their entrance. With a fanfare of chic and glam, the band came on stage to a whole lot of cheers. I don't think anyone in retro has ever pulled off skin tight polyester pants the way this motley crew has. The band exuded an incredibly sexy glam-groove that was both casual and entertaining at the same time. You couldn't help but bump and grind to the music, no matter what sex or gender you fell into. Gorgeous Jake Shears, the lead singer looked like a cross between the boy next door and a whorish dirty fag. His sex appeal was the first thing you noticed. The second thing you noticed was that he was circumcised. The third thing you noticed was the incredible voice and range of Shears.

Ms. Ana Matronic was as much a sassy diva and bitch as Shears and really got the crowd going with her antics and feistiness.

These guys have style and presence and really know how to rally up the crowd. I was not immune and found myself dancing and grinding with both girls and guys. It goes without saying that the crowd was totally sexed up by the end of the night. I had to tell 2 girls I was gay when they had their hands wrapped around my ass, but that didn't stop them, and by that point I didn't particularly care.

The Scissor Sisters, cross not only the sexual boundaries of homoeroticism, but also the boundaries of music, often incorporating the sounds and styles of Abba, Bee Gees, Freddie Mercury and Elton John. What is phenomenal about their music and their stage presence is that they palatably combine 70's funk, 80's tackiness with over the top theatrics, that have completely upstaged a music scene that has become stagnant and a bore with tacky pop bands. It's no wonder that they have been labelled U.k's #1 band and album.

I look forward to their next album and tour. Won't miss it if it is -50 celsius.

Parental Phone calls

I just got off a very frustrating and confusing call with my mother that went something like this:

Me: Hi Mum.
Mum: Oh Hi! How did you know it was me?
Me: I always know it’s you mum. I have caller ID.
Mum (in a perplexed tone): Oh yes. I always forget. I just wanted to call and say hello and to tell you I just got the new phone and am testing it to see if it works. But, I can’t tell if it does?
Me: Umm, you’re talking to me on it right now?
Mum: Yes. But it is so confusing with all those instructions and terminology I am unfamiliar with!
Me: But mom, you’re talking to me right now using the phone, so it must work!
Mum: Oh?...Oh! I know that, but it was confusing all the same. I just didn’t know what they meant by handset and base until sometime later! Handset is the cordless thing, and the base is that thingamajig that sits on the table. Did you know that?
Me: Umm Yes Mum, I did know that. Wait, I thought you were speaking about the new cell phone you ordered?
Mum: No. The new phone for my house I bought. Did you know I also cancelled my Bell voicemail? This phone has everything on it like a message recorder and caller ID and it was a good deal. I just wish it were simpler to figure out.
Me: So, did you get the voicemail part working?
Mum: No, not yet. I don’t know how to do it. Do you? Oh, did I tell you your father is at your brothers place downtown? He went there to watch the house as the construction people do the repairs.
Me: Yes, he already called me to tell me he was there….bored. (that was another interesting conversation!)
Mum: Oh your father is always like that. Did you know that I cancelled my Rogers internet and changed it to the cheaper one which was originally $48.00 and is now only $30.00? I think $48.00 is a lot and I don’t need it for my emailing…..

The conversation went on like this for another 3-4 minutes. Even if I had been paying attention to her and remembered the rest of the disjointed conversation, I wouldn’t bore you with it. I love my mother, but she has a wonderful knack for calling while I am busy at work to talk about a whole lot of nothing.

She’s cute, I have to give her that.

Dissappointments

I've realised with some hesitation, that I am to the Chinese what the anti-Christ is to the Christians.

No, I was not some demon child bent on raising hell (though some may disagree), but I also was not what my parents had in mind when they had a child. I think every Asian parent believes that their new bundle of joy will also bring them a bundle of cash; That their newly swaddled child would bring wattles of cash; That their bouncing baby would study to become a successful doctor, businessperson, dentist or lawyer.

Little did they know the shameful path I would take - I am what you would call a disappointment to my parents. well, maybe dissappointment is a harsh word, but I definitely did not maake them proud to be parents. I am sure they would not say this to my face, but like most Asians, would do it in gossip behind my back.

Instead of a successful son in business, married to a beautiful fruitful wife, with 3 children (mostly boys), I turned out to be a whorish fag, who studied Psychology & Art History and theory in University. I suppose I redeemed some of my parents respect when I went back to college for I.T studies, and now work as a data specialist, but the fact of the matter remains that I did not turn out the way they wanted. My older brother (god bless him) is a successful Analyst, married to a beautiful kind wife, with a new home, who is I am sure well on his way to conceiving a child in the next few years (well his wife, not him). The pressure has been somewhat alleviated, and I am glad for it. Nevertheless, I feel terrible that the entire genealogical onus is now on my brother to be the one that bears our fathers’ name.

Anyhow, it was shameful enough that I didn’t pursue medicine, but as a child I was horrendous at arithmetic, and every person knows that Asians are mathematical geniuses. Sadly, my year-end average would still have been a fail if I reversed the digits. In an effort to make me more Asian-friendly for presentation to friends and family, my parents put me in piano studies, which again was a foolish attempt on their part. After 7-8 years of study, I quit upon reaching Grade 3. I was not a very astute pupil.

My parents during family or social gatherings would try to stay quiet about my studies and piano lessons. However, Asian families love to compare their children and highlight each childs' achievements in an effort to determine the hierarchy of their childs' intelligence. Of course when doing such a comparison, one always starts with the best or most intelligent child. I still remember one such conversation:

Mrs. Li: Oh yes, son number one now in gifted class. Get straight A’s and finish Royal conservatory for piano. Maybe now study violin. Son number two now get scholarship for school. He also play at Kiwanis festival. Win prize for piano! How your son’s do? Must be finish piano now after 6 years play!

Mum & Dad: Well, Justin is doing really well with straight A’s. His piano classes are also going very well, and he is now in the gifted class as well! He is also very good at sports, and has joined the math and chess clubs.

Mrs. Li: Oh fantastic! How about Son number 2?

M&D: Yes, well Son number 2 is a very...what would you say he is? Um, a very creative child. He also has quite the fascinating character, with many interesting qualities.

You know it’s bad when your parents are trying to inflate or boost your achievements by using adjectives to make you sound less retarded. It's like pimping your resume to make you sound more educated, experienced or qualified.

I still remember Report Card Day, when report cards were handed out, for us to give to our parents. Who does such a thing? I was terrified, and upon opening it to see a plethora of C’s, D’s and the occasional E, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to use Liquid paper to cover them over and write in a more acceptable grade. Completely oblivious to my own stupidity, I also decided it would be completely unnoticeable if I liquid papered the scathing comments section:

Alex , although bright, is , often lazy and un willing to do homework. His lack of focus is evident in his lack of rewards and accomplishments in class.

I looked upon my handy work and thought how brilliant I truly was, and how my teacher was more of an idiot for failing to see my hidden genius. I thought the mark of an intelligent man was in how they covered up a major fuck up. Of course, my parents weren’t stupid. They knew something was up, upon opening an already opened report card to see half the report card covered in crackling lumpy liquid paper. It might have worked a little better had I given the liquid paper time to dry, instead of trying to score the letter into the moist liquid paper like a kid carving his name in wet cement. Needless-to-say, the whole plot blew up in my face.

In a way, I feel sorry for my parents. To have dreams of a successful child dashed on the rocks of reality. A number of years ago my parents confided in me that they actually thought I was retarded (their words, not mine). Apparently, as the story goes, when I first came to Canada at 9 months old, I would bang my head in the crib so violently like an autistic child that the crib would move across the wooden floors to the other side of the room. This story brings no end of laughter at Christmas parties and family events where they reminisce about our childhood follies. I think they actually tell the story to comfort themselves and say,

See, how retarded and crazy he was? Now, he is doing quite well. We really must have been exceptional parents, because we took the retarded ness out of him. We are truly amazing parents!

Yes, Mum and Dad, you truly are! Thanks and I love you!

Still at work

So, here I am... still at work.

I was supposed to have the day off, but decided to come in to finish off some projects, with the intention of leaving at noon. Noon comes along, I pack my stuff and head out into a wet, wintry, slushy, rainy Toronto. I wander about and get my haircut, enjoying the notion that the rest of the day will be for me. Then, I get an email from a client crying that the sky has fallen, desperate for help.

I have no recourse but to return to work to finish things off. My colleagues who were supposed to be working buggered off before me.

I am in a rotten mood and it's getting worse. My plans of champagne and Oprah are as muddied as the Toronto streets. My cool exterior still gives off a pleasant facade, but I feel like pissing on everyone who walks by.

I hope this drama ends quick, before I go ballistic.

Wrapping Up

I was at the LCBO (Liquor store) today amongst the masses purchasing last minute party favours and gifts for colleagues. The place was a zoo, but I had no choice as I had to purcahse some Cognac for a colleague. When I got to the cash, the cashier asked if I wanted the gift wrapped for $2.50. Having no time to do it myself, I agreed.

I waited for 10 minutes when a slightly confused guy came up to the wrapping desk to assist me. The first words out of his mouth were “I have never wrapped anything before”. I decided to take matters into my own hands and told him to stand aside and I would wrap my own gift.

He made no attempt to disagree as the lineup was getting larger. In fact, it became quite the tutorial as I deftly wrapped, ribboned and parcelled my package. As I finished, the other waiting customers asked if I could wrap theirs instead of the fellow. I told them I didn’t work there, so I helped him on the next package and gave him some tips then left.

He followed my leave with a “thanks, how’d you learn to do that?”, with which I replied “ I’m gay, it’s hard coded into my genes”.

I could hear the laughter as I left.

Random Thoughts on a Random Day from a Random Individual

Random Thought 1
So I haven't done any Christmas shopping as yet. I don't think I'm actually exchanging anything with anyone, other than my parents and brother. That should be easy. I'll give my parents money and my brother vintage wine. But honestly, the whole Christmas shopping process is a headache and is what I consider an ordeal. I don't mind the idea of it, since it has been romanticised so much - the snow falling as you drink cocoa and window shop. However, in reality, it's all about frantic shoppers, commercialsim and stress. Not to mention, overheating in that wool sweater, and smelling like some stank wooly mammoth. On a side note, I do like to wrap gifts and decorate. My big thing is to wrap using a glue gun, so there are no visible tape marks...anal I know.

Random Thought 2
I bought a pair of Steve Madden shoes on November 17 from a shoe shop on Yonge street. The shoes promptly fell apart by December 01, so I returned them this weekend to find out what they could do for me. The owner and sales people were all speaking Cantonese (a language I cannot speak). They looked at me and I could tell they were debating the issue and questioning my validity, so I started pretending that I knew what they were talking about, just in case they were going to talk dirty or sneaky. Besides, it was my attempt at making them feel like I was one of them. I felt cheap doing it, but it seemed to work, so they took the shoes and my number down to investigate. I just hope that when I return they don't start talking to me in tongues, cause I won't understand a word of it.

Random Thought 3
I made a big batch of beef stew the other day. Lots of veggies and thickened with corn starch. The problem is that I don't think I can eat anything made with corn anymore. It gives me gas galore. Yesterday I was flatulating so much that my dog left the room in a huff because of the smell. This from a dog that has been seen eating a drunks vomit in the park. Rib Breaker, who was over last night said it smelled like a gerbil had crawled up my ass and died.

Random Thought 4
I brought in 5 bags of chocolates, one Friday about 2 weeks ago. By Tuesday all 5 bags of chocolates were gone. I was the most popular guy on the floor during that time. Now, everyone keeps walking by and asking when I will get more. All I could think was,

It was a one time thing you cheap bastards. Howz about you'se getz some chocolates and feed your sorry fat asses instead?

But that wouldn't be Christian of me.

Random Thought 5
I bought a Norfolk Christmas Tree. Just hope it doesn't die like the one I bought last year. That tree dried up like a... well... like a dried up tree. Rib Breaker finds it all very amusing since he doesn't really care for Christmas and all the hoopla associated to it. I am off to his work Christmas party tonight. Sort of odd, since we have been only seeing each other for 3 weeks now.

Random Thought 6
What do Jewish people do on Christmas Day, when everything is closed? It seems somewhat unfair doesn't it? From what I have observed, going out for Chinese Food seems to be the norm, as are the movies.

On a side note, why don't we get to celebrate and get Channukah, Rosh ha-Shanah or Yom Kippur off as holidays? When I was in University, we had all those days off. I was considered an honourary Jewish brother by some friends and was even invited to dinner at one friends family home once for the start of Channukah. Upon arriving, I was somewhat surprised to see a turkey and honeyed ham sittng on the table. There was of course the traditional matza ball soup and a beef brisket, but my shock was evident enough to elicit a remark from the mother who said something to the effect of "tradition shmadition, pork tastes good."

Random Thought 7
I will probably go to hell for laughing at this, but I couldn't resist not sharing it with you. It's a wonderful Christmas Jingle to help us remember those less fortunate than us.

Caption Contest - idea gratefully stolen from Wanda Wisdom

Since having had so much fun commenting on Wandas site, I decided it was high time to pick out the most atrocious celebrity outfits and poke a bit of fun at them. It wasn't hard since they were from the same damned actress/skank.

Now Bai Ling is apparently a famous Asian actress, but man is she ever fugly! What a shame and embarrassment to my people. So come up with a caption for each of the 3 pics, and you too can win a personal fashion consultation from her stylist! The winner will be chosen based on wit and inappropriateness.

I see Paris, I see France, I can see your....wait, she ain't wearing any underpants!

Asian Trash?

S.R.I

It's Tuesday morning and I am still smarting from a weekend of fun and frolic. I have used the term "no pain, no gain" often enough, but little did I realise that I would take it to the 9th degree. The end result is that I have some serious S.R.I.

Sex Related Injuries

It seems my birthday weekend was one to remember. It also seems that with age, not only do your bones go brittle, but your brain atrophies into stupidity.

Without getting into the sordid details, lets just say that I was feeling a serious amount of pain in my upper chest (rib) area on Sunday night/Monday morning. I already had a doctors appointment booked for 9:45am on Monday, so I took the opportunity to chat with my doctor about it. It went like this:

Doc: So how are you doing?
Me: Pretty good, but I have a question before anything else.
Doc: Alright, shoot.
Me: How do you know if you have a broken or fractured rib?
Doc: (with eyebrows raised): Umm, well, you would feel a sharp pain as you breathe and tenderness where the trauma took place. Now may I ask you a question?
Me: Shoot.
Doc: Now, I have to question why my patient would be asking me that. Lift your shirt up and lets have a look.

I didn't embellish too much about my sexual adventures, but he got the idea and left it alone. As I lifted my shirt up, wincing in pain, my doc let out a "Holy shit, what the hell were you up to?" He sent me for X-Rays, where we have now determined that I have a possible fractured upper anterior rib. Though I may be smarting from my stupidity, both my partner in crime and I have been having a grand 'ol time laughing about it. You can really only laugh in such situations.

My partner in crime, though also a little sore, came out of it unscathed and has been feeling terribly guilty. Tending to my aches and pains wth massages at night, he wakes me every morning with a warm hug and a kiss to the nose and forehead before he goes off to work. It seems to make the world of difference.

A day All too important to forget

Today is a day of great importance. A day that for me, is a celebration of life and of hope. It is a day that we all too often forget and wish was not here.

Yes, it is my birthday, but no that is not what I am referring too.

Today is World AIDS Day, and now more than ever, we need to focus on this disease and the global crisis it has taken on the world. Currently, the statistics show that 40 million people are living with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, with 5 million new cases and 3 million deaths reported last year (read here). Almost ½ of the new infections are amongst young people aged 15 to 24, and nearly 5 million people became infected in 2003.

I have spent almost two-thirds of my life living in a world that has been overshadowed by this disease and epidemic, and it has irrevocably changed my life, in so many ways. I wonder if it is too much to ask to see the day when there will be a cure, but I know that it will be one of the happiest days of my life.

I don’t want to see more friends get sick.
I don’t want to see more friends die,.
And I am tired of seeing friends live through the pain and shun of having this disease.

I want to see people come together and pay attention and realise that this battle is not over. With the advent of stronger HIV cocktails and AIDS Treatments, we are closer to an AIDS/HIV vaccine and other discoveries, but my fear is that people will believe that they can take greater risks because of it. There needs to be a greater awareness, not just for gay men, but for every man, woman and child of every ethnicity and sexual orientation. We still need to shed light on this global crisis.

So, tonight instead of partying up a storm, I will be clebrating my birthday by volunteering for CANFAR, at their annual fundraiser Bloor Street Entertains. It is the least I can do, to give back and support a community that desperately needs it.

HIV has not gone away, and it is something we all need to be concerned about. We all need to take action, whether it is through volunteering, funding or simply educating ourselves and those around us. It may be an unfortunate irony that I share my birthday with this day of action and memory, but it makes it that much more important and meaningful for me.

So please take some time out to educate yourselves.

That’s all I ask of you on my birthday.

For online support and information:

AIDS & Sexual Health Line Toronto http://www.city.toronto.on.ca/health/ai_index.htm

POZ Canadaian Forum www.pozcanadian.com

Aids Committee of Toronto http://www.actoronto.org/

Toronto PWA Foundation http://www.pwatoronto.org/

Relationships: What does it take?

The other day I was having lunch with my very cool gay boss, whom I often strike up interesting conversations about life and the like. The conversation at some point turned to relationships and how one was to truly know whether that individual would be the right one. This question had actually been on my mind for some time. The seed was planted a week or so ago after a dinner conversation between 4 old high school buddies of mine, where our conversation focused on the idea of compromise and sacrifice.

Let me start by saying that nothing is truly forever. Now, before I get any nasty comments that I am demeaning or devaluing relationships, let me just explain.

We are constantly changing, dealing and adapting to new situations and environments. Is it realistic then for us to believe that our attitude or feelings toward one another will always be the same? As emotive sentient beings, we are prone to mood changes and fluxes in our attitudes and belief systems. However, having said this, I also believe that a relationship based on mutual respect, honesty and love can overcome nearly any barrier. This does not mean that things will be easy, but the effort would be the glue that binds. It would be arrogant to assume that a relationship will always be the same from the get-go, because that would assume a person does not grow and evolve. Who would want that? I certainly wouldn't. The idea of change to me is exciting. It is a path that I look forward to, and if I so happen to meet someone along the way, who is willing to share and grow in those experiences than all the better.

This brings me to compromise and sacrifice. To many people, they are one and the same, but I believe that they are fundamentally different. Compromise is something everyone does out of love and respect to his or her partner, in an effort to balance or come to a common ground. Sacrifice on the other hand is done solely by an individual to appease their partner. When you sacrifice too much in a relationship, you often begin to regret and confuse sacrifice for love. You cannot give away so much of yourself to others, where you are soon nothing but a skeleton of what you once were. A healthy relationship allows each individual to grow separately and to bring to the relationship the value of his or her own growth and discoveries. It is usually these personal discoveries that make the relationship richer and deeper.

At this point, I can imagine the questions and comments. I feel the rolling of the eyes.

“How can this guy, who hasn’t been in a long-term relationship, know what it takes to be in one?”

Well, I never said I did. Nevertheless, I do know that I am not willing to lower my bar to accept and settle for something that is not for me. I am not willing to sacrifice my ideals to be with someone who expects me to change and be less than I am. If that is the expectation, then the relationship will be doomed because I will never be good enough in the eyes of the one wanting change. In fact, if my partner wanted or expected me to change, I would then question what it was that he was trying to accomplish through this change. Is he trying to fulfill his own needs? His own inadequacies? His own void?

Having said this, here is a quick statement of fact: I don't really know whether I will ever meet a life partner.

It is one of those elusive questions, but it does not bother me the same way it does for others, not because I don't want one, but because I don't know whether I would be a good husband (yet). My own realisation of this allows me to delve deeper into my own psyche as to why this may be, and allows me to work on it should the actual event arise. I suppose part of it all, is that I don’t need someone to fulfill some void in my life; or rather I don’t want somebody to fulfill a void in my life. I can only be a fully committed, participating husband or partner if I am truly honest and happy myself. It is all about my philosophy in life. It is about who I am and who I believe I can be.
It is about the journey.
It is about the potential.

Anyone up for the ride?

Has everyone forgotten?

I have to say that I am terribly dissappointed in the lack of Rememberance for those who sacrificed their lives in War. I have been reading posts all day with the same sentiment. So, when I realised at 11:11:11 am that my company did not announce anything over the PA system I was aghast. I took my moment to reflect and continued my day. The company I work for employs over 3000 people at our campus and with all the technology and know how, they were unable to announce something over the PA or have a pop-up in our Outlook calender to remind everyone to take a moment of much valued reflection.

There are so many of us, our families or friends, who have been touched by war. My parents lived through it, my mothers father even died in a concentration camp. When we don't take a moment to remember, we fail to honour the memory and spirit of those who died. Those memories need to be cherished and reflected upon. I am 31 and when I realise that thousands of lives ended far younger than myself, I am heartbroken. I think about the lives that could have been, and the families and futures that could have been.

At least take a damned few minutes to relise what you have. Pay your respects.

A little soul searching

This past weekend I attended the funeral of my best friends grandfather. Though I did not know him, I know the family well, and consider them my own. It was a sombering experience, not because I haven’t been to funerals before, but because death always awakens ones internal conversations about life and what is important.

Expectedly, the whole experience began to churn the wheels in my head about the concept of life and death.

I left the funeral heavy with thought, and realised that my views on life and how to live it have become entwined with my ever changing and growing philosophy. Intrinsically, I believe that introspection and questioning of one’s philosophy brings greater “enlightenment” and happiness, so all these questions and insights are not uncommon to me. When I was in University studying Psychology, I began to resist the whole clinical evaluation of patients and began to assert that without counselling on a more introspective philosophical level, one would never attain true happiness. I do not subscribe to any true “philosophy” because I am not well educated on them to make a formed opinion. What I know of Idealism, Dualism or Plato etc, is all very minimal. By no means am I a Philosophy major, nor do I pretend to be. Those books I have read, have faded long into the mess I call my memory. Despite all my rambling, I do have a somewhat convoluted point, or logic. The logic and rationale that I have, is that there is no one way of approaching life and there is no way of rationalising the human spirit. It is far too complicated to understand.

The one thing that is not hard to understand, is that we are a reflection of our soul and what is happening there. Sadness, anger, hatred, love or happiness manifest themselves in the way we do things, and how we interact with the world. So, why not work on those things to achieve what it is we want? It is safe to say that most people wish for happiness then sadness, or love to hatred. But this is something that only comes from a concerted effort and from observance. Nothing comes out of nothing. One must observe and reflect upon the things that they do and why they do them to move forward in life.

On that thought, I believe strongly that to attain happiness and peace in our lives, we need to face the issues that confront us. We cannot turn away from them , believing that they will go away. If we do not attempt to actualise and fix the things that we believe are wrong within us, we cannot in turn help others. The greatest challenge in the world is to face up to your inadequacies and failures because we are always judging others, but never judging ourselves.

A part of me always says that I am too analytical about my cerebral processing, but I guess it is my attempt to continue to understand myself and the world around me. I am constantly questioning every thing that I know (or shall I say, what I think I know). I begin to argue one thought, but suddenly see the holes in it and begin to re-structure those ideas. I am always in a constant flux, never truly adhering to any one idea. I often find that I begin an idea, riding that thought like a derailed car, just to see where it goes. In fact, most of my cerebral ramblings take root this way, and they never seem to come to the conclusion that I expect.
To compound all this, a friend who was at the funeral started to chat with me about the idea of Soul and Corporeal Body and whether I believed there was an afterlife, or if we indeed contained a soul or spirit within us. The question wasn’t really odd considering my friend is an Acadaemic studying philosophy, but it was asked at a time when I was already being particularly introspective. I told him that I didn’t necessarily believe in a “heaven” or place where our souls went, but that I did believe that we continued to exist in some form or the other. I did not delve into it, as it was not the time, nor the place. The thought however, has been sommersaulting in my mind for the past week.

I obviously can’t be sure of this, but I do not believe our soul or spirit (whatever you may call it) goes to any one particular place. Everthing in this world and Universe is made up of a number of essential things, matter, atoms, molecules, etc. When we die, these things do not simply vanish into nothingness, but are absorbed back into Nature. Our body decomposes and becomes food or fodder for plants, insects and animals, which are then consumed by others, etc, etc. Essentially, we are all a part of each other. As I said earlier, Nothing comes of nothing. We each contain a piece of something that once was part of someone or something else, whether it is the air breathe, or the food we eat. It may seem somewhat disgusting, but that is the reality of it all. Everything is recycled. There is more to what is going on in this world then we think. We far too often fall into this microscopic view of the world, failing to realise that we belong to a bigger picture. Somehow, we are re-absorbed back into this macro-collective.

I had this crazy idea once that everybody we ever met in life was left with a bit of ourselves (good or bad). I believe when I said it, I referred to it as an imprint, and that our memories are essentially an embodiement of our spiritual self. Those that we remember have imprinted more strongly then those that we don’t. The idea is that they will carry a bit of ourselves in them, to carry on our memory and to take with them a bit of our spirit or soul to enrich their own life. Therefore, why would you treat someone badly so that they had a bad memory of you? Maybe the purpose of life is to spread our soul and spirit in as many places and things as possible. I suppose it is somewhat of a karmic theory, but it seems to work for me.

Anyhow, all these working theories are up for argument, but they are the fundamental philosophies with which I guide my life. I don’t expect others to believe or follow them, but they are a good starting place. I always look forward to debate and conversation about these things, so please pipe up.

P.S. On a side not, if our souls are absorbed into this macro-collective, or back into nature, then does that mean that we become both organic and inorganic spirits? If over a thousand years our bodies are layered in sediment and dug up in the form of some rock, like the dinosaurs, then does that mean part of our soul or spirit is in the rock?

Something to think about….or maybe not.

A response to a reader

So I realise it has been some time since I have written anything, but I didn't think I would get lambasted for it. Apparently, there are a few people who have a lot of time on their hands who read my blog for whatever reason. So, when I neglected my duties to regale you all with my life stories, I received a personal message from a reader who suggested that if I wasn't able to "keep up with your [the] stories" then I should shut it down. Though this whole experience has somewhat inflated my ego, knowing that there are people actually reading my refuse, I was also slighty put off. Anyhow, this is what s/he wrote;

Dear Epicurist (Ms. Wu?)

I find it a little rude and neglectful that you do not keep up with your stories. If your going to blog and have a site up, you should write on a regular basis for your readers. Sometimes I come to your site and you blog daily, then I have to wait 3 weeks beofre your next one. I am not saying its your fault, but really, how hard could it be? Other people can do it.

Sincereley,
Anon

Dear Anon,

First off, I thank you for enlightening me. I am truly very sorry for having failed my readers. I really should be more attentive, and far more consistent with my blogs regarding my bizarre stories dealing with people. I guess I didn't realise that my blogs were so important that you needed to write me a letter chastising me for it. I guess my full time job and busy life really shouldn't take precedence, while I entertain your mind. Since this is the first time I have written directly to any one individual through my blog, will you consider yourself lucky, and now leave me alone? Will you forgive me? Will you still...love me?

Until anon...or at least until my next blog.

Cheers and thanks for reading.

101 Things About Me.

1. Why am I writing this list? Because I get asked these questions all the time.
2. My astrological sign? Sagittarius.
3. My Chinese sign? Ox.
4. Favourite colour is baby blue.
5. I live in downtown Toronto
6. I was born, but not made in Taiwan.
7. I have 1 older brother, who is married.
8. We came to Canada when I was 9 months old.
9. My mother is from India
10. My father from Shanghai
11. What does that make me? A Heinz 57 of Chinese.
12. No, my mother is not Indian.
13. Yes, she can make curry.
14. No, she does not smell like curry.
15. Yes, she sounds like Madhur Jaffrey.
16. I can understand Mandarin and Hakka, but rarely speak either.
17. What is Hakka? It's a people and a dialect.
18. Both parents are retired and enjoy travelling and reading.
19. I have had a total of 16 hamsters in my life, 2 birds and 1 fish.
20. My dogs name is Kalyx (part Shep/ Sheltie).
21. She does not get along with other dogs.
22. No, I have not eaten dog or cat.
23. I work in Telecommunications, but am the furthest thing from a geek.
24. I walk to work.
25. I like practical jokes.
26. Yes, I am a goof.
27. I love food.
28. I eat like I have a hollow leg.
29. Beware, I am lactose intolerant.
30. I hate green peppers.
31. Yes, I can cook.
32. I am gay…I know I am pointing out the obvious.
33. I play the piano.
34. I cannot & will not sing.
35. I do not DO Karaoke.
36. I never remember words to songs.
37. Actually, I have a very poor memory altogether.
38. I hardly ever remember names.
39. I love to garden.
40. I love to stretch and do yoga.
41. I love the outdoors.
42. I dislike drama.
43. I dislike pettiness.
44. Sarcasm is deliciously fun.
45. So is beer and vodka.
46. I love to clean. It is therapeutic.
47. Yes, I am weird
48. I love the smell of a clean home.
49. I would much rather clean another person’s home than mine.
50. I will do laundry, but hate folding and putting it away.
51. I hate putting dishes away.
52. I hate taking garbage and recyclables out.
53. I like photography and intend to practice more.
54. I have no collectible hobbies.
55. I do like watches though, and if I had more money, would collect those.
56. I got a tattoo 10 years ago on my right upper arm, and intend to get more.
57. I have 2 piercings, navel and ear (10 years).
58. I love Starbucks coffee or strong coffee, not flavoured.
59. I only use brown sugar.
60. I am a snob when it comes to making tea, and refuse to drink it anywhere unless I make it.
61. I do not generally like cold food (pizza, chicken, etc).
62. I am not a big fan of shopping, despite my being gay.
63. I have only done drag twice. Each time I looked like a Lesbian that was run over by a dumptruck, and each time I was trashed.
64. I love water and the ocean.
65. My idea of relaxation, is sitting on a beach or dock with a beer and friends.
66. I have no real favourite television show.
67. I drink 2 litres plus of water a day.
68. My favourite underwear is 2Xist.
69. I can be patient when it comes to certain things, but will get pissed off if people continuously abuse it.
70. I like all music.
71. I am quite reliable, and am always on time.
72. I do not have a car.
73. In fact, my drivers license has expired. My bad.
74. I am left on the political spectrum when it comes to social issues, but am Right when it comes to fiscal responsibility.
75. I was a socio-lefty commie pinko when I was in University (so say my friends).
76. I was a peer counsellor for gay/lesbian/bi/transgenedered individuals while in University.
77. I have arthritis.
78. I do not have a sweet tooth, but love salty things.
79. I try never to give up on people, though it can be taxing at times, they are still people I care about.
80. I have one g-string (a gag gift).
81. I tend to swear a lot.
82. I tend to burp a lot, but am trying to get that under control.
83. I think Prostitution and red light districts should be legalised and taxed.
84. I do not have any particular religion that I follow, but find theology and religious practice very interesting.
85. I use lip balm every day and am addicted to it.
86. I do not like talking on the phone. I would rather just meet you and hang out.
87. I am not a drama queen.
88. This is a lucky number to superstitious Chinese.
89. I am not superstitious.
90. I am not a fan of dating. They are awkward and forced. I prefer meeting by chance and hanging.
91. I would never admit to being a romantic, but am (I guess I just admitted that).
92. I was a Fine arts and Psychology major in University.
93. I went to college after for a Diploma in Information technology Networking.
94. I abhor poor grammer.
95. I am very forgetful, and leave my umbreallas, wallets and gloves everywhere.
96. I volunteer.
97. I believe in the innate goodness in all people.
98. I tend to be optimistic and cheerful.
99. I have no particular favourite time of the day.
100. I love the sun.
101. Favourite season is Spring, because it is fresh and new.

Tea bag Cozie?

That cool, crisp, nippiness is in the air again - always a telltale sign of fall.

But honestly is this really necessary?

I really don't know what to say about this, but thought it should generate some interesting comments. Not so sure about those colours on me, but I find the pattern sort of mesmerising.