Let me first begin by saying that I am not jaded and bitter.
Of course, now having said that, half of you are rolling your eyes, and giving a good chuckle. But honestly, being jaded is not in my nature and it is not something I would want to be. However, when it does come to relationships, I have always been somewhat leary. Cautious might be the more appropriate word, but the idea of being in love with someone so deeply has always been somewhat foreign to me. I know, it really is a sad thing to say, but it is the truth. I came from a family, where open displays of affection were not particularly common. Family life was sometimes traumatic and painfully disturbing, and I am sure it set a psychological and emotional precedence for my life. Thinking back to all my relationships, it is hard for me to know if I was truly in love with any of them. I realise that this had a lot to do with my fear of rejection and abandonment, but that is something I have been working on and believe I am overcoming.
When you have had so many things happen in your life that either hold you down or kick you to the curb, it is hard to put trust in other people, but more so to allow trust in yourself. You find it hard to believe that you can be loved when those you had loved hurt you. It’s not rocket science. It’s emotional scarring and the need for self preservation, and it is the truth. A truth that I have realised and am still sorting out.
Having said this, I have found myself in an unusual situation. I have never dated or gone out with anyone for more than a few months whereby at some point I begin to get bored, or begin to question the validity of the relationship. I have also never lived with a partner or spent more than a few days consecutively day and night. It usually gets to that stage where you start to pick out qualites you don’t like in the person and wonder if you can live with them. You take the glue away from the relationship and it unwinds faster than you can believe. It often was a welcome thing for me, as I could then pull away and not commit to trust or love. I was far to rational and logic to believe that love was something that could fulfill something in you. Oddly enough, it has now been 3 months since I met Rib Breaker, and I have gotten cold feet once for about 10 minutes. It quickly dissappated when I saw his face and received a hug. I really hate sounding sappy and gushy, but he makes me happy and has literally been with me everyday since we met.
I admit, that I by definition have never been a very demonstrative or emotional person. Well, the truth is that I never let people believe I was. Emotions were a sign of weakness and irrational behaviour, which I realise is a somewhat chavinistic, machismo attitude. It is something that I have been working on, and again something that I attribute to that fear of letting my guard down, and trusting myself.
Luckily, Rib Breaker is easy-going, laidback, intelligent, unassuming, unpretentious, funny and incredibly sexy. He is an incredible person and so much more real than anyone else I have ever met. We don’t take anything too seriously and believe humour and laughter to be the basis for our relationship.
Yes, the early stages are often filled with gushy feelings and ridiculous displays of affection, but I am enjoying it, as I have never before. There is a passion here now that I have never felt, and I don’t want to quell it. I am curious and want to explore the options. It should be an interesting adventure.
14 comments:
Stop with the appologies for frig'sake. You're rationalizing being happy. Good for you gurl. And those of us that would turn our noses up to sappiness are only bitter that the sappiness wasn't directed towards us. Relationships are work. When you've talked to your partner while he's sitting on the toilet naked, you've hit the jackpot.
Burping, farting and talking while on the porcelain throne have all been done. How odd the way we mark a healthy relationship. LOL
You're lucky. I'm jealous.
Enjoy it, that's life.
And revel in the adventure and risk, as they are what make our love lives exciting.
It sounds like you're bloody happy old chap. I grew up in a cold, New England household; I never hugged or kissed my family or expected it in return. It took me a long time to learn. Now I'll do it anywhere (to mortal ebarrassment)!
Good for you babycakes! It is one of the most dizzyingly fabulously confusing things when it does happen isn't it.
Now, go to the garden shed, pick up the sledge-hammer, go back to the house and get someone who can pick up the sledge-hammer for you, and knock down some more walls! You are on a roll!
mikevil
Hey Epi!
Finally a post in my neck of the woods.
You need to turn your head wattage down. Your entire life has been a logic problem that strong rational abilities have helped you succeed and survive in. But the downside of all that is you operate all in your head. And conduct Olympic size major headgames with yourself.
Forget the past, forget the future, all you have is now with Sir Rib Breaker. So live that moment as if it is all you will have with him and then if one day you wake up and realise you have years of moments with this person then life is good.
You do what the moments command. I disagree with people who would say "follow your heart and not your head" in such a situation. I personally think it is our heart and head that should be working in synergy with each other. When we have that we have informed emotions. I think the best advice is what the moment commands is that you follow your passion for life. You have a great passion for life. And from the giddy school girl writing in your posts I think you found someone with whom you can share your passion for life. Now!
Now how do I know this? We be very much alike sir! For me it is a case of physician heal thyself.
XO
Your ship passing in the night.
Now that is good news. Yay rib-breaker! Yay you!
Wow, thank you all for your encouraging words and support.
Dickey - You're so right! the risk and unknowing is half the fun :)
Mrs Astor & mikevil - The Great Wall of China is crumbling and I am happy to share my love with friends and family. It's refreshing and lovely!
SB - You and I are very much alike. Our experiences have dictated a rational logical mind, but our spiritual nature allows for greater free thought and expression. I am beginning to realise that. Thanks, I always enjoy our conversations ;P
Snafu - just no more broken anythings... hee hee
russ - In due time, in due time. Not sure I want him to know I have straight friends you know. Your odd bizarre and unorthodox lifestyle may scare him away.
Finding someone that completes you happens without you even realizing it. That's when you know.
Russ - I think I scared my exes off! lol
Ms Bees Knees - I always rebelled against that idea that I needed someone to fulfill me - that I was independent enough and strong enough to be happy. I still hold true to that philosophy, but it sure is nice to be able to share that with someone and to enrich their life as much as they have enriched mine.
It's a learning process, and I find that re-evaluating your knowledge, beliefs and values are an integral part to reaching contentment and enlightenment.
Please, please give it a chance - you never know what this new person may bring out in you! I'm really happy for you. The best part is that you are having so much fun - it's awesome...
I can relate to the emotional scarring due to fear of rejection and abandonment.. but being hurt is real. If you have nothing to lose, you haven't gained anything. That's one thing I'm learning.
As for you and Rib Breaker, awesome! Live it baby; live it, love it, feel it.
Sis - I will, and thank you! I realise why I am the way I am (For another post). But suffice to say, I am still learning and will never cease to do so.
HT - The fact that it has been so effortless and fun makes it really easy.
Jase - So many people have said that to me, and I am beginning to take heed. :P
Wonderful post! Congratulations on taking a chance and letting things unfold as they may.
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