A New experience

Let me first begin by saying that I am not jaded and bitter.

Of course, now having said that, half of you are rolling your eyes, and giving a good chuckle. But honestly, being jaded is not in my nature and it is not something I would want to be. However, when it does come to relationships, I have always been somewhat leary. Cautious might be the more appropriate word, but the idea of being in love with someone so deeply has always been somewhat foreign to me. I know, it really is a sad thing to say, but it is the truth. I came from a family, where open displays of affection were not particularly common. Family life was sometimes traumatic and painfully disturbing, and I am sure it set a psychological and emotional precedence for my life. Thinking back to all my relationships, it is hard for me to know if I was truly in love with any of them. I realise that this had a lot to do with my fear of rejection and abandonment, but that is something I have been working on and believe I am overcoming.

When you have had so many things happen in your life that either hold you down or kick you to the curb, it is hard to put trust in other people, but more so to allow trust in yourself. You find it hard to believe that you can be loved when those you had loved hurt you. It’s not rocket science. It’s emotional scarring and the need for self preservation, and it is the truth. A truth that I have realised and am still sorting out.

Having said this, I have found myself in an unusual situation. I have never dated or gone out with anyone for more than a few months whereby at some point I begin to get bored, or begin to question the validity of the relationship. I have also never lived with a partner or spent more than a few days consecutively day and night. It usually gets to that stage where you start to pick out qualites you don’t like in the person and wonder if you can live with them. You take the glue away from the relationship and it unwinds faster than you can believe. It often was a welcome thing for me, as I could then pull away and not commit to trust or love. I was far to rational and logic to believe that love was something that could fulfill something in you. Oddly enough, it has now been 3 months since I met Rib Breaker, and I have gotten cold feet once for about 10 minutes. It quickly dissappated when I saw his face and received a hug. I really hate sounding sappy and gushy, but he makes me happy and has literally been with me everyday since we met.

I admit, that I by definition have never been a very demonstrative or emotional person. Well, the truth is that I never let people believe I was. Emotions were a sign of weakness and irrational behaviour, which I realise is a somewhat chavinistic, machismo attitude. It is something that I have been working on, and again something that I attribute to that fear of letting my guard down, and trusting myself.

Luckily, Rib Breaker is easy-going, laidback, intelligent, unassuming, unpretentious, funny and incredibly sexy. He is an incredible person and so much more real than anyone else I have ever met. We don’t take anything too seriously and believe humour and laughter to be the basis for our relationship.

Yes, the early stages are often filled with gushy feelings and ridiculous displays of affection, but I am enjoying it, as I have never before. There is a passion here now that I have never felt, that I don’t want to quell it. I am curious and want to explore the options. It should be an interesting adventure.