Friday, April 29, 2005

I need a little time to think it over

I've been thinking a lot over the last few days, about Time and thinking things through. As much as I hate not knowing why RB hasn't called, it's given me some time to think things over and figure out what it is that I want as well.

At the same time, I foolishly believe, deep down in my heart that I will hear from him. I know that seems somewhat fatalistic and irrational, but I have the strong suspiscion that his absence and parting had to do with the intensity of our relationship. This separation is difficult but if things were truly meant to be, then we will end up back together, or at least friends. In fact, the one thing I've realised about all of this is that, it isn't the separation that bothers me, but that he hasn't returned my calls or told me that he needs his space. I hate not knowing. I hate this emotional purgatory, where your thoughts and emotions float about from one corner of the mind to the other, never truly able to get away from the thoughts of him.

But today I woke up feeling different. I felt more settled and more at peace with my thoughts and decisions that I would let things fall into place as nature would have them. No control and no expectations. No preconceived notions of whether things would or wouldn't work out. It still bothers me not knowing where he is, but I need to keep going about my life as I always have. What comes, will come and I will deal with it at that point.

All of this reminds me of the Beautiful South's lyrics to I Need A little Time (I'm just not so bitter, or nasty)

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little
Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room
To find myself I need a little space
To work it out I need a little room
All alone
I need a little
You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble bursts
Just into unjust
I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little
You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

Thursday, April 28, 2005

XRAY Vision

After a week and a half wait, I went for my scheduled Upper G.I (GastroIntestinal) X-Ray. I was up at 6:30am and at the lab for 8:00am, where I was greeted by a warm receptionist. Sat in the waiting room for about 20mins and was then escorted to the poorly lit back room, where I was put into a tiny alcove with a draw curtain and told to "put this on, with the opening in the back". It was a fashionable seafoam green paper gurney that was about 10 times larger than my waistline. I waited in this room with 5 other slightly uncomfortable patients. We all knew how ridiculous we looked sitting in these things, but we had no choice. When I was finally called into the room I was told to get on the bed. The Radiologist was a crusty old man who rushed and prodded me. He gave me a vile drink that was supposed to coat my stomach. It had the pleasant taste of chalk and glue. He then proceeded with the directives:

"Turn on your back."
"Lower, and bend your knees...more....More...MORE!"
"A little more quickly"
"Now flip on your back. Could you please flip on your back"

If you have never been to an Xray, it is'nt all that pleasant. You're put on a cold metal XRay bed and a big claustophobic overarm machine covers you, while they push and tell you to get into odd uncomfortable positions.

He impatiently kept telling me to move , when I lost it on him. I said,

"Do I look like a fucking deaf mute midget to you? I have perfectly good hearing, and know what to do, but I am 6 feet 1 inches tall and cannot maneouveur quite as well, when you have your fucking Xray machine crunching me down. Either back off for a sec, or move the fucking arm."

His assistant broke into hysterical laughter and had to go behind the protective radiation wall. The radiologist looked mortified and moved a step back and allowed me to move into my positions with more ease.

When I was done, I left with as much dignity as one could with an open gurney.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Love is vulnerability

It is day 6.

And I will be honest. I am not exactly the semblance of calm and emotional composure as I was during the first few days of our breakup. I am coming undone, so it feels. Seams bursting as I try to mend my torn emotions, pushing the stuffing back in.

The reality of it seems to grow stronger everyday, but I am coping by keeping myself busy. I know that I need to release, but now is not the time. So many things are looming and pending - work deadlines, family, health, life. There is no time to think about the hurt, no time to feel it. Yet, it is the only thing I can think of and feel. The ache swells even more when I get home and see the remnants of what belongs to him, still occupying my abode. He has not called me since Thursday night, when I told him that I respected his decision, despite the hurt and confusion, and that I still loved him. Words I have said before to him, only to bring silence on his part. I have called several times just to say hello and see if all is ok, but it seems he is not there.

Isn't it odd, that after all these years of emotional distance and building walls, that when I finally am mature and strong enough to express love, I am hurt again? The glass walls come up quicker, and the hurt is buried even deeper, but everyone can still see it. The very thing so many people strive for, and are told to show, has now apparently scared him off. Ironic isn't it?
Alannis Morisette had it all wrong, it seems I can't even get to the wedding day to be rained upon, let alone hold a boyfriend. The part that hurts most is not truly knowing why.

History repeats itself so they say. As one of those who felt unloved and hurt as they grew up, I appreciate love in all its wonderful facets, but often cannot believe it will be mine. I can see it. I know it exists, and I can give it. But I don't know how to accept it, even when it is directly in front of me. I admit that I hate exposing myself, despite my recent attempts at
letting my guard down. I am still an intensely private person when it comes to emotions and I know that it is a reflection of my soul trying to protect itself from more damage. But I also realise that for my soul to learn and heal, it also needs to accept and open the doors for change. My good friend and colleague JW, once said to me that,
...if you don't go into love 100% there is no point, because you are not putting all your effort into it. You are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

I thought it was a changing moment for me, even though it went against so much of what I used to believe. So, I am in a predicament. I am torn between allowing myself to feel, and the fear of what that may bring. Open the floodgates and one will never know. Beware he who walks that path. But, I guess this what it takes to learn and be in a relationship. I wrote in a previous blog that;
...I can only be a fully committed, participating husband or partner if I am truly honest and happy myself.

It seems I am getting there, but maybe RB isn't, and I DO have to respect that, no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts a lot.

P.S. Thanks to everyone for your emails, comments and kind words. They have helped and I am most grateful.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

What is Love?

Let me start, by saying that I am not one who gives my heart away easily.
I am rational, often emotionally reserved and far too analytical.

It's taken me a long time to get where I am, but I am happy and proud of my progress. As a lonely child that was picked on and abused, I learned how to turn my emotions off, realising that detaching my emotional and physical self from the mental, rational self was a survival method. It has always been this way.

It may not have been the wisest path, but I survived.
I am still standing. Still breathing.

And with this knowledge, I also know that I am far from absolute peace and complete happiness. Thus is life - a journey and a lesson on patience and virtue, and what is truly important to oneself. I am one of those individuals that believes innately in goodness - that every soul has something beautiful to share, and that they are innately good. A naive notion I suppose, but this has been the way I have always lived all my life, and I still believe in it to this day.

I have lived a good life thus far, with great and supportive friends, who are always there for me when I need them. A comfortable life, but not without its troubles. I have been through a lot. We can leave it at that. I don't want to compare my life with others and make it appear that mine has been more difficult or more important. It's not like that really. It's just that I've realised, from my experiences, that some things are more important in life and that one can't hold on to grudges or past grievances, because you can never move forward with all that dead weight.

There is a time to let go. And, I have realised this with RB (Rib Breaker). The difficult part, is that I see his beauty where he does not see it, and it breaks my heart to know that he feels lost.

We have mutually decided to break it off and give some space between us. RB is at a point in his life where he has a lot of choices and decisions to make (mentally, spiritually, etc). Many paths stretch before him, but he just doesn't know which one to take at this point. I can only be supportive and lend my helping hand when needed, but it will be his decision, and his steps that take him down that path. I cannot do that for him, and that is why I am letting go...reluctantly.

I love the boy and I hope he knows it.

I realise I am not the most expressive or demonstrative person, but that changed with RB. My friends can certainly vouch for that, but the last 4 years have taught me a lot, and I have grown immensely, and I hope RB will find something similar. He and I, are at that awkward stage now, where we don't know what to say to one another. We just sit quietly, the silence between us is almost too loud. Our cries and sobs are stiffling and it hurts deep down.

A few weeks ago, I asked The Joy Luck Club (JLC), my closest friends, what "love" was, as I wasn't sure if I knew or ever felt what it was. They were a little shocked, but said that you just know. It was a notion I couldn't wrap my head around, as it was foreign to me, so I thought. I have lived much of my life keeping people at bay, protecting myself from hurt by putting walls around me. The last 4 years have seen a lot of change in me. The last 6 months even more.

RB has taught me a lot about my capacity to give and love, and I am grateful to him for that. I am sad, but also immensely inspired by the achievments I have made during our 6 months together. It has been intense with him living with me, but I wouldn't change it for a moment. Despite these turn of events, there is a certain amount of relief in knowing the status of our relationship. RB is an intensely private, shy and slow communicator, which often made it difficult to know what was going through his head. I am a patient person, he knows that, and he knows I will always be here for him as a friend and confidante, when he feels he needs it. For too long, I have been blinded by my stubborness and naivete of what love is or could be, but I know what it is now. It is comfort, laughter, happiness and the feeling of home when you are with someone.

A feeling I have never known before.

(P.S. I've been drinking vodka all evening, so I hope this doesn't all sound like dribble)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The new Moral leader?

So it seems, the Vatican's Princes of the Church have chosen their new demi-god, and the choice was Cardinal Josef Ratzinger of Germany, who is an Ultra-conservative, and who was the right hand of Pope John Paul II. Interestingly, he also had a stint as a neo-Nazi youth. Of course he denies any wrong-doing or any involvement in participating in the extermination of Jews and others reviled by Hitler.

It's odd that no one seems to have issue with this. The Church is so clear on setting guidelines for everyone on how to live morally, yet they allow a Nazi into the Church as one of their princes and moral, spiritual leaders. Who gives a damn whether or not he didn't participate in killing anybody. The fact remains that he joined the Hitler youth guard, and didn't have the moral or ethical gall to say or do something. He preserved his life by standing by and letting others kill the Jews, Poles, etc. His inaction and lack of participation in rebelling against Hitler and the atrocities of that period were a sentence for those people to die. It says a lot about what and who he is. He is a political figure jousting for position in one of the richest, most secretive and possibly corrupt institutions in the world.

Now, I am sure there are a few good ones out there, but any institution that preserves and protects the very people who molest children or murder Jews, shakes the foundation of what I consider moral and ethical.

What is even more scary is Ratzingers' take on where the Church is going and the people who do not follow the faith. He is quoted as saying;

"Those who seek the truth find themselves objectively on the path that leads to
His antiquated doctrine is a throwback to the middle ages. Any take on the Bible as literal and as the justification to rule over others and to instill a religious totalitarianism within the Vatican, is a dangerous turn. Read the Washigton Post article from November 2004 and have a look at the following quote:
Observers said Ratzinger’s views have been heavily influenced by the harrowing experience of two contending ideologies: fascism, which he experienced as a youth in Germany, and the Marxism rife in German universities during the 1960s.

“Having seen fascism in action, Ratzinger today believes that the best antidote to political totalitarianism is ecclesial totalitarianism. In other words, he believes the Catholic Church serves the cause of human freedom by restricting freedom in its
internal life, thereby remaining clear about what it teaches and believes,”
wrote John Allen, a journalist and biographer of Ratzinger.

Further evidence of his narrow perspective and lack of understanding of a global
cultural world, was during an interviewed quote he made to French newspaper Le
figaro that Turkey, a largely Muslim country, ought not be admitted to the
European Union.

"Europe is a cultural continent, not a geographical one. The roots that have
formed it . . . are those of Christianity," he said. "Turkey, which is
considered a secular country but is founded upon Islam, could instead attempt to
bring a cultural continent together with some neighboring Arab countries."

Ratzinger later said this was a personal view, but then again every view is personal, so I am only left with the unsettling knowledge that these views will permeate the Vatican.

So, just like that, in a puff of smoke, the choice has been made, and I think it's scary.

General malaise and blahs

I have been in a foul mood for the last 4 days, and admittedly, those around me are getting the brunt of it. This is the reason why I have been avoiding everyone - not wanting to be nasty or say something inappropriate. This mood is an aberration from my usual upbeat self, but I think I have been beating myself over the head with it, believing I should be the usual chipper, funny self that I am. I suppose everyone is entitled to a few "off" or "bitch" days. Many of you have taught me that it is okay to do this. It's only human.

All of this I suppose is a direct result of recent medical results regarding my back and leg. It's been an ongoing thing for more than a decade, and the frustration is growing. In my late teens and early 20's I complained to my doctors that I was experiencing a lot of back pains and they simply shrugged it off as over-activity or due to sports. No tests were done, and I was too young to know the difference. The pain increased over the years and by 24, I was in so much pain that my Family physician finally decided to do some tests. They diagnosed me with a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, a disorder that causes fusing of the joints in the vertebrae.

Anyhow, I was put on a variety of drugs (Votaren, Ibuprofen, Vioxx, Bextra) to compensate for the pain, and was told that I would be crippled by my 40's or 50's. Then, a new family doctor came along who had the same disease himself, and he sent me to a new rheumatologist, who said I didn't have it, but diagnosed me with the general malaise of fibromyalgia, which my Family doctor disagreed with. On top of all this, 2 1/2 years ago, I got severe sciatica in my right leg, which left me relying on the use of crutches or a cane for 6 months or more. The sciatica hasn't gone and it is aggravating the hell out of me. All of the anti-inflammatory drugs (vioxx, bextra), which I was put on, have now been pulled off the shelves as they cause heart disease, strokes, etc.

The problem here is that I have had no consistency with the medical experts. The only consistent thing, has been the pain, which is with me on a daily basis. I am beginning to lose faith and confidence in the Medical field. A 10 or 15 minute appointment with my Specialist is NOT a sufficient amount of time to gauge my situation and to develop an educated and empirical diagnosis.

I have an appointment today with my Specialist whom I plan on discussing my issues with. I want answers and options that I can take to resolve this. I want to be my chipper, mobile, happy self, without the need for drugs. I want to get back to enjoying life and living. I hate not knowing, and I hate being grumpy.

Breathe in, breathe out. (ahhhhhhh)
The meditation and the blogging sure do help, so thanks for listening.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I am Normal?

Not sure if this is a compliment or a diss.

You Are 60% Normal

(Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal

You're like most people most of the time

But you've got those quirks that make you endearing

You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

Billy is no longer an Idol

Billy Idol Concert
Devil's Playground Tour
Koolhaus in Toronto

Alright, not to be bitchy, but the concert kinda sucked.
I went with J to the concert and the first thing we noticed was the large crowd surrounding the building. The second thing I noticed was that most of the crowd was trying to reclaim their 80's youth-hood via lycra pants, lame (and lame) shirts and big hair. I swear I was one of the younger people there (not that I care, really). Amongst the crowd, I saw a number of families (mum, dad with their 2 tweens and 7 year old). I know this was an All Ages Concert, but I guess Mum and Dad couldn't afford the babysitter for the night, so they thought 50 bucks a pop for each kid would be a better choice. Ummm...WRONG.

So, I'm standing in line with these Ajax cougars in front of me, Mum and Dad with kids a little behind me and I'm feeling like I should be at a Saturday morning concert starring not Billy Idol, but Elmo on
Sesame Street Live. Right behind me, Dude, with his girlfriend ran to the front to see if he could bribe himself in front of the line, cause his GF was wearing only a tight mini leather skirt and halter top. He came back complaining that bribes have gone up over the years and they would take no less than 75 bucks each. So they stayed behind me and froze till they got to the front.

J and I get in and b-line for the bar. A few good drinks should make the crowd a little more pretty and less annoying. The crowd is pretty diverse I suppose (Ican't trash that), but I can't get over the crowds of groupies running to the front of the stage. J and I situate ourselves about half-way back with a couple in their 40's who we strike up conversation with. Quite nice and very funny. we kept making fun of the 2 drunk, obnoxious girls and their Urine smelling boyfriend who pushed their way in front of us. None-to-pleased about that.

The concert begins, and I have to admit, I haven't heard much from his new album. It's okay, I guess. His rendition of Mony, Mony was good, but rather long. He also did a rendition of Hot In The City, but upp'ed the Cheese factor to Poutine curds, when he changed the lyrics to Hot in Toronto. Original guitarist Stevens took centre stage a number of times, and I admit I enjoyed his performance more than Idols antics. The theatrics and hip pumping of the 46 year old Idol, were just a bit...umm distracting. I went with some skepticism, and was happy that he lived up to the Cheese factor. The fact that Idol hasn't changed, or aged for that matter (thanks to the knife and Botox), kinda made the whole experience nostalgic in a rather fucked up surreal way. His characteristic Ego, sneer and stripping of shirt was interesting to still see, but kinda out-dated. I was rather surprised by the number of bras and panties that flew on stage, which he promptly signed, or used to wipe up his sweat and gonads, then threw back. I can just imagine those groupies going into their Corporate office jobs this morning, pulling in all the secretaries and other girls to get a whiff of the man's juices.

Uggh, I take it back, I'd rather not picture it.

All-in-all, a rather dissappointing concert. Though I did have fun poking fun. Would have been better if I saw
Dickeybird and hung out with him, but we didn't see each other. Missed him at the
Scissor Sisters Concert as well. Anyhow, I'll be reading his blog shortly to see what he thought. I'll be presumptuous here, but I think we may fall on some similar views.

Oh, and here's a Tip: Drunk big girls with big hair should not jump up and down, nor should they keep throwing their hair back, a la head banging. I spent the night icing my flattened feet and getting the taste of cheap herbal essence shampoo and hairspray out of my mouth.

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Global Personality Test Results - Idea Stolen from St.Dickeybird

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Work ethic56%
Self absorbed43%
Conflict seeking36%
Need to dominate70%
Change averse16%
Peter pan complex10%
Physical security90%
Food indulgent23%
Female cliche23%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by
Stability results were very high which suggests you are extremely relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Trait Snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

Romantic Moments My Style

The other day, Rib Breaker and I were having a shower together, when I decided to rub his back and give him a shampoo massage. I thought it would be the sweet, romantic thing to do, since he is a Registered Massage Therapist (RMT) and always gives massages to me. But, since I tend not to be particularly romantic, I decided to do what I do best - pull a prank and make a joke of it.

We had gotten into the shower and I picked up the bottle of shampoo and started to lather it into his hair and chest. His eyes were closed and he was pleasantly humming to himself, enjoying the treat. I did this for a few minutes and decided to step away to view my handy work and wait for him to open his eyes. When he did, he saw me standing there grinning, holding a bottle of Shampoo.....for dogs.

I began to read the label aloud:

Sergeant’s® Fur-So-Fresh® Dog Shampoo has a long-lasting herbal fragrance, that lasts up to 2 weeks. The deep-Cleansing formula and special conditioners leaves your beloved pets coat lustrous and easy to manage, with a brilliant sheen.

We laughed our asses off.

I am so glad to be with someone who understands my humour. It's no wonder that I love the boy so much. Of course, the next day he said he wouldn't take a shower because he still smelled so fresh.