Let me start, by saying that I am not one who gives my heart away easily.
I am rational, often emotionally reserved and far too analytical.
It's taken me a long time to get where I am, but I am happy and proud of my progress. As a lonely child that was picked on and abused, I learned how to turn my emotions off, realising that detaching my emotional and physical self from the mental, rational self was a survival method. It has always been this way.
It may not have been the wisest path, but I survived.
I am still standing. Still breathing.
And with this knowledge, I also know that I am far from absolute peace and complete happiness. Thus is life - a journey and a lesson on patience and virtue, and what is truly important to oneself. I am one of those individuals that believes innately in goodness - that every soul has something beautiful to share, and that they are innately good. A naive notion I suppose, but this has been the way I have always lived all my life, and I still believe in it to this day.
I have lived a good life thus far, with great and supportive friends, who are always there for me when I need them. A comfortable life, but not without its troubles. I have been through a lot. We can leave it at that. I don't want to compare my life with others and make it appear that mine has been more difficult or more important. It's not like that really. It's just that I've realised, from my experiences, that some things are more important in life and that one can't hold on to grudges or past grievances, because you can never move forward with all that dead weight.
There is a time to let go. And, I have realised this with RB (Rib Breaker). The difficult part, is that I see his beauty where he does not see it, and it breaks my heart to know that he feels lost.
We have mutually decided to break it off and give some space between us. RB is at a point in his life where he has a lot of choices and decisions to make (mentally, spiritually, etc). Many paths stretch before him, but he just doesn't know which one to take at this point. I can only be supportive and lend my helping hand when needed, but it will be his decision, and his steps that take him down that path. I cannot do that for him, and that is why I am letting go...reluctantly.
I love the boy and I hope he knows it.
I realise I am not the most expressive or demonstrative person, but that changed with RB. My friends can certainly vouch for that, but the last 4 years have taught me a lot, and I have grown immensely, and I hope RB will find something similar. He and I, are at that awkward stage now, where we don't know what to say to one another. We just sit quietly, the silence between us is almost too loud. Our cries and sobs are stiffling and it hurts deep down.
A few weeks ago, I asked The Joy Luck Club (JLC), my closest friends, what "love" was, as I wasn't sure if I knew or ever felt what it was. They were a little shocked, but said that you just know. It was a notion I couldn't wrap my head around, as it was foreign to me, so I thought. I have lived much of my life keeping people at bay, protecting myself from hurt by putting walls around me. The last 4 years have seen a lot of change in me. The last 6 months even more.
RB has taught me a lot about my capacity to give and love, and I am grateful to him for that. I am sad, but also immensely inspired by the achievments I have made during our 6 months together. It has been intense with him living with me, but I wouldn't change it for a moment. Despite these turn of events, there is a certain amount of relief in knowing the status of our relationship. RB is an intensely private, shy and slow communicator, which often made it difficult to know what was going through his head. I am a patient person, he knows that, and he knows I will always be here for him as a friend and confidante, when he feels he needs it. For too long, I have been blinded by my stubborness and naivete of what love is or could be, but I know what it is now. It is comfort, laughter, happiness and the feeling of home when you are with someone.
A feeling I have never known before.
(P.S. I've been drinking vodka all evening, so I hope this doesn't all sound like dribble)
7 comments:
Aw crap! It's especially hard to let go when you're still in love.
I've got a full bottle of Stella for when Russ' grey goose is empty. Maybe 2 bottles even.
hugs and bent, tender hugs dear one. Love hurts and thats when you know its truly apart of you. But the hurt is yours it lets you know that you care as much about them as yourself. I'm thinking about you hon,
k
If you're not sure that he knows it, then tell him that you love him. Tell him you understand that it's time for you two to have some time to examine life and where you're going, but you want him to know that you love him and will always be there for him, no matter what form your friendship takes.
These things aren't easy, but they're worth the effort.
i keep starting a comment then erasing it. i can't seem to find the right words.
it's a bloody hard time in one's life, the break up, but there is, with anything else, lots of potential for growth and learning.
as for hoping he knows you love him, well, there's nothing you can do other than let him know, which i assume you've already done. you can't take responsibility for what he feels or believes.
and as with anyone else, iffin you need a shoulder or a drink or something let me know, i would be happy to provide that shoulder and/or said drink.
I cannot believe you wrote such profound thoughts and complete sentences while tipsy. And regarding a breakup no less! If I had attempted that at such a fragile state, I would have made no sense and cussed a lot. Your growth and understanding of what is happening to you speak volumes dearheart. I'm proud of you. xoxo
What a moving and beautiful post. There are no right answers when it comes to love and like everyone else who's commented, I send best wishes to you.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. Too much to say in a comment, so I will follow-up with another post.
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