Monday, December 19, 2005
I know. I know. "What is the point of this random chatter?" you wonder. Well this past Monday I had a pre-arranged appointment to see my Gastroenterologist for a procedure called a sigmoidoscopy. For those unwilling, or too lazy to click the provided link, it's when they stick a camera up your arse to view the lower end of your bowel (the sigmoid). Plain and simple as that. End of story.
Not a pleasant experience.
Even further unpleasant, when done at 8:15 am on a cold Monday morning, sans caffeine, coffee or food.
I arrive at the hospital and get to the designated room, and am assigned a gurney, gown and a washroom. I am sharing the room with 2 other patients, whom both share a rather unpleasant look on their faces.
They too must hate Monday mornings.
The nurses and technicians, I must say were phenomenal and very friendly. Maybe a bit too friendly. Patricia (Pat) introduces herself to me and tells me she needs to perform 2 enemas on me, the whole time with a smile across her sweet face. My Monday is not looking any brighter and I tell her I am not looking forward to having this procedure done. She assures me that it won't be too painful, just a bit uncomfortable, and proceeds to open a casual dialogue with me:
Pat: So dear, do you go by Alex, or Alexander?
Me: Um, Alex will be fine, thanks.
Pat: Dear, I need you to lie on your side with your bum bum facing me.
Sound of a box opening.
Me: Hmm....I thought I had the worse part of this procedure.
Latex glove slaps on.
Pat (laughing): And will you be celebrating the Holdays at all this year Alex?
Sound of bottle being shaken.
Me: Um, yeah. With family on the 24th, 25th. Friends the other days.
Sound of Surgical lube squishing.
Pat: Oh that's nice. And does your mum make the traditional dinner?
Feeling a cold breeze on my "bum bum" as she lifts my gown.
Me: No, the boys usually do all the cooking.
Pat: Oh that is what I like to hear! What wonderful boys you must be...Ok, Alex, here goes.
I can't really explain what the feeling is like. A rush of cold air or ice cubes being shoved up your arse is the closest I can get to it. After all the preparation work, and a few runs to the loo, I am pushed on my gurney into the examination room. While in the examination room, my doctor and her assistant pulled out the nefarious looking endoscope and proceeded to turn me towards the monitor so that I could watch my own sigmoidoscopy examination. This experience was even worse than the enema, and I was watching the whole damned thing on a monitor. The process includes filling you up with air and water so that you bloat up and feel like your having menstrual or gas cramps.
Again, NOT a pleasant feeling.
Seeing your innards was quite the experience, and if someone ever calls me a shit disturber, I'll have more than a few words to say.
P.S. Apparently, I am fine and have a "beautiful sigmoid". Her words not mine. All I could think was, I hope she doesn't use pick up lines....ever.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Hi Ryan, Just wanted to say I had a really great time the other night, and if Brad asks, go ahead and tell him. I'd rather him know than find out from other sources. I am really looking forward to picking up from where we left off wink wink. Paula
Me: Hi Paula, I am glad you had a great time and would like to pick up where we left off. What a sweet girl you are to message me. You obviously are a load of fun, but unfortunately you have the wrong number and I am not Ryan. He must have been hot though for you to send this message, but you ought to know you messaged the wrong fella.
Paula: Oh my god. I am so sorry. Who is this?
Me: Someone who gets that you had an AWESOME time, but who unfortunately is not Ryan, and who also happens to be as Queer as a three dollar bill. Though from your message, Ryan sounds like a very good catch. Good boys are hard to come by, so I wish you luck. Message when you want babes! ;P
Paula: LOL Yes, Ryan is really hot and cute. I will let you know what happens. Any tips? Thanks!
Me: Good on ya Paula! Have fun and enjoy the boy. But always remember it takes a good woman to make a real man. LOL
Paula: Really? I suppose you would know, or at least are a Master/mistress at it?
Me: You're a smart girl Paula. lol Have a great night and good luck!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
- People who spit and throw cigarette butts on the floor.
- Know it all kids.
- People who interrupt.
- Weak coffee
- Uncharitable types.
- Malicious gossip.
- Pimples (on me)
- Coughing (me)
- People who are not themselves and who always have a facade or fakeness about them.
- People who don't Poop and scoop (Their dogs pooping. Them scooping).
- Rude sales people or service industry staff.
- Customers, who are rude to sales people or service industry staff.
- Running out of toilet paper.
- People who pee on the seat and floor
- Not washing hands after going to the loo
- Overly defensive people, or people who always have to appear to be the "Right One"
- People who do not pick up the phone, return calls or emails.
- Not admitting you were wrong and carrying on from there.
- Constant complainers.
- People who complain when they create their own drama.
- Feeding pigeons.
- Weak vodka drinks (I'm rather heavy handed and generous with my portions)
- Steak that is anything more done than Medium rare.
Ok, Ok...some of these aren't so much as Pet Peeves, as piss-me-off-royally or just general kvetching, which you may have noticed was one of my pet peeves. Which of course leads me to the final Pet Peeve:
- People who take themselves too seriously and can't laugh at themselves.
Monday, December 12, 2005
2. True. We were very odd kids.
3. True. I thought they were candy adn that my parents were trying to hide them on me.
4. True. It was weird at first, but I didn't care. They were hot.
5. False. My parents thought I was retarded after I was born, but just realised I was an idiot and a poor student. The grades after C are correct though.
6.True. This was a dream that I thought was real until my mid-late 20's. I should make the clarification, that my grandmother sleeping in my parents bed was also part of the dream, but I didn't know it at the time, until I figured that would not be possible and was too weird.
Thursday, December 8, 2005
Well, after having read Tornwordo and Dickeybird's "Spot The Lie" game, I thought I would steal the idea for myself, as I thought it rather cool and interesting. Listen, I never said I was all that original and I've never had a problem telling people their ideas were great.
So here goes. Spot the Lie. You have the weekend to figure it out.
1. When I was a young lad, one of my many hamsters escaped it's cage and ended up chewing a hole into my parents couch, whereupon it got stuck and began to cry for help. I was doing my homework, so stuck the pencil behind my ear and proceeded to cut into the couch to get her out. Just as I was about to free her, the door bell rang, so I ran downstairs to open the door, upon which the pencil fell out of its holding place, bounced off the floor (eraser end) and embedded the lead tip into my foot. I opened the door to 2 girlfriends of mine who just stood in shock as I hopped about on my left foot and bled from my right foot and explained that my pet was stuck in a couch.
2. When we were kids, our home was the central gathering place since we had a park out front and a Pool out back. One summer morning we noticed the Consumers Gas technician coming in and out of our backyard to do some work. It was a hot day, so in the afternoon, we decided to go for a swim. We noticed the technicians truck still out front, and went to the backyard only to to find him floating in the pool tangled in hose with his head bobbing on the top. We freaked and began screaming, but upon closer inspection found out it was a raccoon who got caught in the automatic pool vacuum and hose, which we thought was his body.
3. I once ate Flinstones multivitaamins like candy and got diahrrea for over a week.
4. I once had sex with twin brothers who liked it that way.
5. My parents told me that I was mentally retarded when I was a kid going through school, so as to boost my ego because I was not a very bright student, and often got letters after C as a mark.
6. I had a dream when I was a kid that there was a ghost in my room who was a mime. It had white gloves and a top hat and wand, and that was all you could see. In fear, I sneaked past the ghost and ran to my parents room where my grandmother was sleeping between my parents. I believed this was true until only a few years ago.
So the next time you think or hear someone gripe about not having any money to purchase the latest iPod, dress shirt or Flat screen LCD, give them a little perspective. We all need it every once in a while and in no way is it meant to be a guilt trip or condescending. We all work hard and have our own gripes and issues, but remembering our place relative to others is a sure way to make us understand what gratitude and giving is all about.
Holiday Tip: If your having a Christmas or "Holiday" party this year, might I suggest asking your guests to bring non perishable foods or money to donate to the Daily Food Bank (or some local charity in your area) rather than accepting gifts and tacky Christmas stuff? It's a small gesture that will be greatly appreciated.
A few additional Facts:
How much money the average person relying upon food banks has to spend each day?
Number of people relying on food programs each month in the GTA in 2005?
Number of children in the GTA who live in families that rely on food banks each month?
% of people relying upon food banks who have homes?
Name 5 simple pleasures that you like most, then pick 5 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.
1. Walking or hiking in a pristine forest or conservation park. It is that feeling of being completely enveloped in Mother Nature, and that overwhelming feeling of purity, peace and solitude.
2. Hosting a party with all my friends and seeing them smile, laugh and enjoy themselves.
3. Kissing Rib Breaker in the morning while he is still asleep and seeing goosebumps pop up all over his skin.
4. Watching a thunderstorm and the ensuing rain. It's invigorating and intoxicating.
5. Waking up everyday and knowing that life is a big mystery and that I have another day to get a crack at it.
Who do I tag?
Greg the Surly
Splenda in the Grass
Sorry, but blame it on Sister...she wrote the rules :)
Friday, December 2, 2005
We packed the car and headed North and made good time. We reached North Bay just after noon, so David decided he would take me to the Mall. We walked about and got some hiking shoes for him. The people were friendly and more approachable than us Torontonians. I looked around at the people and noticed how they seemed more casual and relaxed than us big city folk. It wasn't an observation that was meant to be condescending, but I was rather pleased that it wasn't a big bustling city. I thought about all this and how I was possibly stereotyping people living in the country as simpletons or backwards. I caught myself, and realised how backwards I was for thinking that.
We decided to make our way to his Mums place, located on the outskirts of North Bay in the Powassan Municipality, a small town bordered by lots of farming and country homes. The area was also heavily settled by Mennonites living in the traditional sense. Buggies and carriages would pass by frequently and I was amazed by the dichotomy and clash of societies living side by side.
We drove through the country, fields and farm homes dotting the hilly landscape and I soon realised David had no idea where he was going. When I asked him what street they lived on, he shrugged his shoulders and said it was a "bluish home with trees around it". My look of disdain made him laugh even harder, and I couldn't help laugh at the blog worthiness of the story. Shortly thereafter, David surprisingly found the bungalow and when we got out we were greeted by David's mum's boyfriend. To say he was a big man, was an understatement. When we shook hands I noticed my hands were almost completely engulfed in his. Over the week, as I got to know him, I found out that he was a jack of all trades, a Northern Canadian forester, lumberjack, steel miller, etc. In otherwords, he was a tough man, but with a big heart and a very friendly and sarcastic disposition. When David's mum arrived, the 2 hugged for a long time and I was introduced to her. I liked her immediately. She had this carefree, relaxed and very sarcastic humour, which I found comforting and I eased into it, like a pair of warm slippers.
Over the next 3 days, we went shopping, ate and chatted and spoke about family, friends, and life in North Bay, and life in Toronto. I got the feeling she liked me and I told her that we would make a concerted effort to see her more often, or have her come down to Toronto to stay with us.
Tuesday, was spent shopping with David's mum, as it was her birthday and David sweetly bought her several gifts. Their bond is quite noticeable and on the Tuesday night, it became blindingly obvious how much they both missed each other. It was late in the evening, and I was looking at one of his mum's cat paraphenalia - everything this woman owns has some cat theme to it - it boggles the mind, but is quite endearing. I turned to comment on the cat lamp, when I saw him beginning to sob. I went to him, and held him in my arms. We didn't say much, but I felt his pain at being separated by his loved ones, and lightly cooed to him that we would see her more often. He is such a quiet man, but he has such a deep emotional well, which makes me love him like nothing else. He made me realise at that very instant how much more I need to appreciate and love my family and friends who surround and support me. I love how he does that to me without even knowing it.
On Wednesday, we took a hike on the Candadore Trails situated on a large hilly and mountainous conservation park just behind David's old college. As we began to walk, snow began to fall and the trees and trails were quickly blanketed in fresh snow. It seemed in our minds as though the forest had never been walked and there was a certain satisfaction in leaving the first footprints. I can't tell you how romantic it was (see below and Flickr ). Our intention, was to find a water fall, but David got us lost deep in the brush, off trail, deep in snow and in streams. I was cold and wet, but despite it all, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The only drawback was that we were going to visit his Grandmum right after. When I greeted grandma, I was soaking wet, covered in dirt and pine needles. I was mortified, as I took off my socks and wandered about her home with dirty, wrinkly feet, but she shushed me and told me not to worry about it. I should have known she would be fine, since she was the one asking if we would get married the night before on a phone call.
Thursday, we were woken early to David's mum singing Happy Birthday to me. It was a sweet gesture as were the card and the Scratch tickets she gave me (all of which won by the way). We dropped his mum off to work, took a few pictures then returned to Toronto early to clean and pack up some of Davids apartment belongings. It was a good trip and I was happy to see this other side of David. He is such a complex man, and I love finding these tiny scattered pieces of him. Everytime I think I know him, I am gobsmacked at how much more I have to learn.
Thursday, December 1, 2005
Click on the ribbons to find my previous thoughts on HIV and AIDS:
RB and I are on our way back from North Bay. The trip was quite lovely and his family very friendly. I was going to audio blog again, but listened to my last entry which was completely incomprehensible. I sounded like the Teacher from Charlie Brown. Will post a blog and pictures soon. Still kinda tired as I was woken at 6:30am by his mum as she sang Happy birthday to me. Gave me a cute little card as well.
I think I was a hit!
Anyhow, we are driving along Hwy 11, and I am wirelessly connected to send a quick hello. I am still alive.