Monday, December 19, 2005

Bob Geldof and The Boomtown Rats got it right...

It goes without saying that Monday mornings are anathema to my idea of happy living. In fact, I would think most people don't like Mondays. It falls in the same category as a hangover, or diahrrea. Honestly, they could remove the whole day and I would have no issue with it, but that of course would make Tuesdays, The Monday - and we simply can't have that, so I guess I'll just have to live with it.

I know. I know. "What is the point of this random chatter?" you wonder. Well this past Monday I had a pre-arranged appointment to see my Gastroenterologist for a procedure called a sigmoidoscopy. For those unwilling, or too lazy to click the provided link, it's when they stick a camera up your arse to view the lower end of your bowel (the sigmoid). Plain and simple as that. End of story.

Not a pleasant experience.

Even further unpleasant, when done at 8:15 am on a cold Monday morning, sans caffeine, coffee or food.

I arrive at the hospital and get to the designated room, and am assigned a gurney, gown and a washroom. I am sharing the room with 2 other patients, whom both share a rather unpleasant look on their faces.

They too must hate Monday mornings.

The nurses and technicians, I must say were phenomenal and very friendly. Maybe a bit too friendly. Patricia (Pat) introduces herself to me and tells me she needs to perform 2 enemas on me, the whole time with a smile across her sweet face. My Monday is not looking any brighter and I tell her I am not looking forward to having this procedure done. She assures me that it won't be too painful, just a bit uncomfortable, and proceeds to open a casual dialogue with me:

Pat: So dear, do you go by Alex, or Alexander?

Me: Um, Alex will be fine, thanks.

Pat: Dear, I need you to lie on your side with your bum bum facing me.

Sound of a box opening.

Me: Hmm....I thought I had the worse part of this procedure.

Latex glove slaps on.

Pat (laughing): And will you be celebrating the Holdays at all this year Alex?

Sound of bottle being shaken.

Me: Um, yeah. With family on the 24th, 25th. Friends the other days.

Sound of Surgical lube squishing.

Pat: Oh that's nice. And does your mum make the traditional dinner?

Feeling a cold breeze on my "bum bum" as she lifts my gown.

Me: No, the boys usually do all the cooking.

Pat: Oh that is what I like to hear! What wonderful boys you must be...Ok, Alex, here goes.

I can't really explain what the feeling is like. A rush of cold air or ice cubes being shoved up your arse is the closest I can get to it. After all the preparation work, and a few runs to the loo, I am pushed on my gurney into the examination room. While in the examination room, my doctor and her assistant pulled out the nefarious looking endoscope and proceeded to turn me towards the monitor so that I could watch my own sigmoidoscopy examination. This experience was even worse than the enema, and I was watching the whole damned thing on a monitor. The process includes filling you up with air and water so that you bloat up and feel like your having menstrual or gas cramps.

Again, NOT a pleasant feeling.

Seeing your innards was quite the experience, and if someone ever calls me a shit disturber, I'll have more than a few words to say.

P.S. Apparently, I am fine and have a "beautiful sigmoid". Her words not mine. All I could think was, I hope she doesn't use pick up lines....ever.


Sister Staceypatrick said...

Yeah, okay, you win. That sounds much worse than when they stuck a camera up my nose and down my throat to see if I had pollups!

Raven said...

Wow. I am so sorry you had to go through that!!:( I thought the dentist was a bad experience.

Your story made me think back to when a friend of mine had to have a test that needed a stool sample. I asked him just how he was suppose to collect that since the doctor said you couldn't like fish it out of the bowl because it needed to be "clean". He said the doc told him he could shit on a newspaper and get a sample that way. I asked if that was indeed the collection method he used, and he says to me "Naw, I just waited until dark and went and crapped in the yard with the dog". He wasn't kidding.

Anyway, I hope you're not suffering any ill effects:)

mainja said...

wow, um, uh, sorry man. but you know, glad to know that all is well.

Snooze said...

Sorry for the discomfort but COOL! I love it during colposcopies when I get to look at my cervix on the big screen tv. I've never seen my sigmoid. Hell, I'd never even heard of that before.

CoffeeDog said...

Hope your not camera shy! :-) Happy holidays my friend!

Jess said...

And to think how many of us would love to have sent our own probes in there for a look! ;)

Glad everything looked good in there!

Aethlos said...

i think tues is the most meaningless day... mon is West Wing on bravo, lol, or the first day, wednesday is midweek, thur is almost fri., friday the weekend begins, saturday is one of two days off, sun is 60 minutes, and end of week, and monday again... but what the f is tuesday? nothing.

EarthMother said...

Oh dear. Your post evoked long buried memories of when I did the barium swallow test. Very unpleasant and horrible unmentionable after-effects.
Sorry to hear about your sigmoidoscopy but glad that all is well in that region.

tornwordo said...

That was so wonderful. Even though I know it was horrible for you, feel good that you brought such laughter to others. Happy holidays and congrats on the beautiful sigmoid. (giggling, sorry)

Aethlos said...

she did NOT actually say "bum bum" did she? SO CREEPY.

St. Dickeybird said...

Damn! Have any photos from this for HNT?

Alan said...

Ugh...and I thought getting my hair cut was traumatic.

Anonymous said...

OW-U-C-H! Double OW-U-C-H!

Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful sigmoid? They have? Oh, damn. I guess I wasn't the first.

You're right. It's not a very good pick-up line. Almost as corny as, "You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long."

Glad the procedure went "well", so to speak. More glad that you're a-okay.

No one asked us said...

I don't know if that is as bad as having someone say to you that they have to warsh your vagina.
Just think of poor Gwen and her run in with Margaret Cho.

epicurist said...

Sister - shoving cameras anywhere other than the face is NOT a pleasant experience. I once got a spaghetti noodle stuck in my nose...well actually I was goofing around and snorted it in and pulled it out my mouth (at the Spaghetti Factory), so I kinda know what you're talking about.

Raven - Um, that is just gross. The dog must have been like "WTF are you doing shitting on my playground!?"

mainja - LOL, all is fine. Just a bruised ego.

Snooze - And do you have a lovely cervix?

Coffeedog - Not a bit! I even smiled for the camera.

Jess - Oh? The funny thing was it wasn't really all that bad...I'm just being a drama queen for effect. Afterall, I am a gay man. ;p

Aethlos - Good lord, you're back! wunderbar! I was kinda thinking the same thing about shows on Mondays.

Earthmother - yukk, I have done the barium thing as well.

tornwordo - I and my beautiful sigmoid thank you and wish you a lovely Chrismahanukwanza!

Aethlos - She did... but she was nice..not creepy. :)

Dickey - you are a sick man! But that would have bee hilaro=ious. I should have asked my doctor to send me a pic.

Alan - just a slight bit worse ;p

Bri Bri - Horrible pick-up line...I was both aghast and slightly proud.

NOAU - OMG! I was thinking the same damned thing when she said it and would have laughed, but didin't for fear that I would explode through my rear. LOL

Anonymous said...

"...whom both share a rather unpleasant look on their faces." OMFG epi, you crack me the fuck up. LOLOL...glad it turned out fine though.

The Catshark said...

Oh I have had one of those before! But they put me to sleep for it. It was quite interesting to wake up and feel as if I had been violated by a big funny looking guy in a white coat that was grinning saying all done! All done! He told me that I was normal and that there was no worries and he will have to see me again when I am older. Oh lovely I have to do this again? Why lord! Why!!!

Kat said...

good god, quite a post....whew, i think i'm sweating...oh yeah, you've been tagged...

Ok, so, here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits. People who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.

Bugg said...

Dear God, I am mortified. I dread the day I will ever have to do that. I am SOOOOO shy about these kinds of things. I can barely go potty in a public restroom!
I will shrivel up and die. But I am so glad to hear you have a healthy tushy.

Greg the Surly said...

Can we expect a a wallet sized photo with the christmas cards this year? Glad to hear that everything turned out ok. Merry Christmas Epi.

daelyn said...

Too bad you can't get photos or video like with an ultrasound... I can just see it now...

"And here is daddy's little bum bum up close...isn't it a cute little bum bum..."

Bwahahaha. But ouch. I had to go to a GI specialist when I had food poisoning that hung on for four months. SO glad I didn't have anything poked in me.