Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Random Thoughts on a Random Day from a Random Individual

Random Thought 1
So I haven't done any Christmas shopping as yet. I don't think I'm actually exchanging anything with anyone, other than my parents and brother. That should be easy. I'll give my parents money and my brother vintage wine. But honestly, the whole Christmas shopping process is a headache and is what I consider an ordeal. I don't mind the idea of it, since it has been romanticised so much - the snow falling as you drink cocoa and window shop. However, in reality, it's all about frantic shoppers, commercialsim and stress. Not to mention, overheating in that wool sweater, and smelling like some stank wooly mammoth. On a side note, I do like to wrap gifts and decorate. My big thing is to wrap using a glue gun, so there are no visible tape marks...anal I know.

Random Thought 2
I bought a pair of Steve Madden shoes on November 17 from a shoe shop on Yonge street. The shoes promptly fell apart by December 01, so I returned them this weekend to find out what they could do for me. The owner and sales people were all speaking Cantonese (a language I cannot speak). They looked at me and I could tell they were debating the issue and questioning my validity, so I started pretending that I knew what they were talking about, just in case they were going to talk dirty or sneaky. Besides, it was my attempt at making them feel like I was one of them. I felt cheap doing it, but it seemed to work, so they took the shoes and my number down to investigate. I just hope that when I return they don't start talking to me in tongues, cause I won't understand a word of it.

Random Thought 3
I made a big batch of beef stew the other day. Lots of veggies and thickened with corn starch. The problem is that I don't think I can eat anything made with corn anymore. It gives me gas galore. Yesterday I was flatulating so much that my dog left the room in a huff because of the smell. This from a dog that has been seen eating a drunks vomit in the park. Rib Breaker, who was over last night said it smelled like a gerbil had crawled up my ass and died.

Random Thought 4
I brought in 5 bags of chocolates, one Friday about 2 weeks ago. By Tuesday all 5 bags of chocolates were gone. I was the most popular guy on the floor during that time. Now, everyone keeps walking by and asking when I will get more. All I could think was,

It was a one time thing you cheap bastards. Howz about you'se getz some chocolates and feed your sorry fat asses instead?

But that wouldn't be Christian of me.

Random Thought 5
I bought a Norfolk Christmas Tree. Just hope it doesn't die like the one I bought last year. That tree dried up like a... well... like a dried up tree. Rib Breaker finds it all very amusing since he doesn't really care for Christmas and all the hoopla associated to it. I am off to his work Christmas party tonight. Sort of odd, since we have been only seeing each other for 3 weeks now.

Random Thought 6
What do Jewish people do on Christmas Day, when everything is closed? It seems somewhat unfair doesn't it? From what I have observed, going out for Chinese Food seems to be the norm, as are the movies.

On a side note, why don't we get to celebrate and get Channukah, Rosh ha-Shanah or Yom Kippur off as holidays? When I was in University, we had all those days off. I was considered an honourary Jewish brother by some friends and was even invited to dinner at one friends family home once for the start of Channukah. Upon arriving, I was somewhat surprised to see a turkey and honeyed ham sittng on the table. There was of course the traditional matza ball soup and a beef brisket, but my shock was evident enough to elicit a remark from the mother who said something to the effect of "tradition shmadition, pork tastes good."

Random Thought 7
I will probably go to hell for laughing at this, but I couldn't resist not sharing it with you. It's a wonderful Christmas Jingle to help us remember those less fortunate than us.

13 comments:

CTS said...

Ok, so i forwarded your blog to my home address. I couldn't fully enjoy it at work. Now, to answer your question.. what does a jew do on christmas.. Well, movies probably is the number one pick. Also, some of us are fortunate enough to be invited to christmas dinner whereby we stuff ourselves with traditional christmas meals.

Unknown said...

Regarding Random Thought #2 - I have a pair of Steve Madden shoes that I never wear because the tongue keeps slipping far up in the shoe. It drives me crazy. I like being slipped the tongue, but not that way.

Snooze said...

Re: RT#4 - A similar thing happened to me one Hallowe'en at a former workplace. At least at my current work place people seem to be more conscious of the concept of sharing. Bring in a bag of Exlax chocolates next week for your coworkers.

Snooze said...

I just listened to the Christmas Jingle. I'm going to hell too...

Anonymous said...

RT 2 - "so I started pretending that I knew what they were talking about": That is awesome. You'll have to teach me that sometime. I know cantonese, but I could still use the skill for say.. korean or something.

RT 6: Isn't it great that most Chinese restaurants close only 2 days out of the year?

RT 7: Amazing. It's a good thing I don't believe in your hell.

Jase said...

D'oh.. that last comment was posted by me - accidental anonymity.

dantallion said...

I'm SOOO going to hell.
(but that's old news, really)

epicurist said...

Russ - you will meet rib breaker, once the critical period is over (what that is, I don't know)

CTS - Does that mean I can't serve any animals with wholly cloven hoofs and animals that "cheweth the cud..." and no shellfish and scavengers of the sea? (crab cakes are delicious) Also, do I have to perform shehitah for you to eat the food and to ensure all is kosher? What if I don't know a shohet?

Sorry, curiosity is my nature.

Snooze, Jase, Dan - I am glad to have such good company in Hell. We'll toast with champagne on the warm beaches there!

St. Dickeybird said...

Hi Epi.
Totally off topic, I was looking at your profile. A good answer to your 'wrestler' question would be 'with a wetnap.'

;)

epicurist said...

Dickeybird - Welcome! I think Bounty would be better "the Quicker picker Upper"....Is it me or does that actually sound like a drug (?)

St. Dickeybird said...

... Either a drug or a guy that leaves the bar (avec slut) before midnight. I guess, looking like the guy on the Bounty wrapping, if I remember correctly.
;)

Anonymous said...

I had a similar experience in Oakland's Chinatown, but not really. Because I'm a cracker. So they knew I didn't know what they were saying. Dammit! I need to learn the *I understand every word you're saying* face. [shameless plug go see: http://imthebeesknees.blogspot.com/2004/12/ancient-chinese-secret-ingredient.html] for more adventures in chinatown...

epicurist said...

Dickeybird - how true, how true. If only I was as brawny instead of tawny...

MsBeesKnees - I bow to you Oh Great Master!