As much as I like the thrill of rollercoasters, I hate emotional rollercoasters, which is what I have been riding for the last few weeks. Anyhow, in an effort to make myself feel better I have decided to reveal some odd truths to ya'll to lighten the mood and get myself to think about other things. :)
1. What obsessive things do you do?
I will obsessively sing the same song in my head or count numbers until something else distracts me.
2. If you could be any animal on earth what would it be and why?
A Dolphin, because they are free and always smiling.
3.What makes you happy?
The small things in life.
4. Sunrise or sunset?
Tough one. I love both, but have to say sunset as it is so calming and peaceful.
5. Bath or shower?
Shower.
6. How often do you clean your house?
2-3 times a week.
7. Where are the 3 most unusual places you have had sex?
i) Purolator truck
ii) A gift shop during business hours.
iii) Stairwell
8. Leftie or rightie?
rightie
9. Cat or Dog?
Dog at the moment and fish, but love cats as well.
10.Do you cry at movies?
No, but I will cry when no one else is around.
11. Tattoo or piercings?
Yes, both.
12. What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done?
Hmm, the fact that I am thinking about this means I need to venture past my comfort zone more often.
13. Do you volunteer?
Yes.
14. Do you vote?
Yes.
15. What calms you?
meditation, stretching, yoga, and ME time.
16. What is your most valuable possession?
Hmmm - my life, friends and family.
17. Have you ever been in love?
Yes.
18. Do you believe in change?
Yes, and I embrace it as difficult as it may be at times.
19. Are you religious?
Not religious, but spiritual.
20. What makes you sad?
Hate, people in hurt, sadness.
21. What makes you tick?
The energy from other people. If your happy and energetic, so am I.
22. What is your comfort food?
Breakfast or traditional Northern Chinese food.
23. Can you cook?
Yes, pretty good.
24. Are you more likely to stay in or go out?
50/50. Depends on the mood and who is around me.
25. If you mey an Alien, what would you say to it?
Umm, is that a phaser gun in your pocket? or are you just happy to meet me?
26. Deoderent or Anti-perspirent?
Neither, as I don't have be B.O (seriously, I don't. And your'e welcome to whiff if you don't believe me).
27. Morning or Night person?
Both, but get tired after lunch.
28. Do you like to nap?
No, not really. Find it a waste of time, but will do it if really tired, or sick.
29. Do you have a green thumb?
Yes. Love to garden and take care of plants.
30. Give 8 adjectives that describe you?
thoughtful, introspective, out-going, friendly, calm, (too) rational, flighty (at times), geeky.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
Almost back... :-)
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I can't say it enough. Thank you for the wise words, comments, and the emails of encouragement from all of you. I have had a considerable amount of time to think things over, and have spoken with RB and am at a content place now. I am sure I will have a few more emotional shifts, but I am getting back on track, and I am glad for it.
My absence from the blogging was partially due to my need to retune my senses and ground myself, but mostly due to my crazy schedule at work. Things have been, to say the least, hectic and overwhelming. Long hours and days and work weekends are hopefully coming to an end, and I will need a well deserved break then.
Once done, could I interest anyone in a night out for drinks and grub?
I can't say it enough. Thank you for the wise words, comments, and the emails of encouragement from all of you. I have had a considerable amount of time to think things over, and have spoken with RB and am at a content place now. I am sure I will have a few more emotional shifts, but I am getting back on track, and I am glad for it.
My absence from the blogging was partially due to my need to retune my senses and ground myself, but mostly due to my crazy schedule at work. Things have been, to say the least, hectic and overwhelming. Long hours and days and work weekends are hopefully coming to an end, and I will need a well deserved break then.
Once done, could I interest anyone in a night out for drinks and grub?
Friday, April 29, 2005
I need a little time to think it over
I've been thinking a lot over the last few days, about Time and thinking things through. As much as I hate not knowing why RB hasn't called, it's given me some time to think things over and figure out what it is that I want as well.
At the same time, I foolishly believe, deep down in my heart that I will hear from him. I know that seems somewhat fatalistic and irrational, but I have the strong suspiscion that his absence and parting had to do with the intensity of our relationship. This separation is difficult but if things were truly meant to be, then we will end up back together, or at least friends. In fact, the one thing I've realised about all of this is that, it isn't the separation that bothers me, but that he hasn't returned my calls or told me that he needs his space. I hate not knowing. I hate this emotional purgatory, where your thoughts and emotions float about from one corner of the mind to the other, never truly able to get away from the thoughts of him.
But today I woke up feeling different. I felt more settled and more at peace with my thoughts and decisions that I would let things fall into place as nature would have them. No control and no expectations. No preconceived notions of whether things would or wouldn't work out. It still bothers me not knowing where he is, but I need to keep going about my life as I always have. What comes, will come and I will deal with it at that point.
All of this reminds me of the Beautiful South's lyrics to I Need A little Time (I'm just not so bitter, or nasty)
At the same time, I foolishly believe, deep down in my heart that I will hear from him. I know that seems somewhat fatalistic and irrational, but I have the strong suspiscion that his absence and parting had to do with the intensity of our relationship. This separation is difficult but if things were truly meant to be, then we will end up back together, or at least friends. In fact, the one thing I've realised about all of this is that, it isn't the separation that bothers me, but that he hasn't returned my calls or told me that he needs his space. I hate not knowing. I hate this emotional purgatory, where your thoughts and emotions float about from one corner of the mind to the other, never truly able to get away from the thoughts of him.
But today I woke up feeling different. I felt more settled and more at peace with my thoughts and decisions that I would let things fall into place as nature would have them. No control and no expectations. No preconceived notions of whether things would or wouldn't work out. It still bothers me not knowing where he is, but I need to keep going about my life as I always have. What comes, will come and I will deal with it at that point.
All of this reminds me of the Beautiful South's lyrics to I Need A little Time (I'm just not so bitter, or nasty)
I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little
Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room
To find myself I need a little space
To work it out I need a little room
All alone
I need a little
You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble bursts
Just into unjust
I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little
You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
Thursday, April 28, 2005
XRAY Vision
After a week and a half wait, I went for my scheduled Upper G.I (GastroIntestinal) X-Ray. I was up at 6:30am and at the lab for 8:00am, where I was greeted by a warm receptionist. Sat in the waiting room for about 20mins and was then escorted to the poorly lit back room, where I was put into a tiny alcove with a draw curtain and told to "put this on, with the opening in the back". It was a fashionable seafoam green paper gurney that was about 10 times larger than my waistline. I waited in this room with 5 other slightly uncomfortable patients. We all knew how ridiculous we looked sitting in these things, but we had no choice. When I was finally called into the room I was told to get on the bed. The Radiologist was a crusty old man who rushed and prodded me. He gave me a vile drink that was supposed to coat my stomach. It had the pleasant taste of chalk and glue. He then proceeded with the directives:
"Turn on your back."
"Lower, and bend your knees...more....More...MORE!"
"A little more quickly"
"Now flip on your back. Could you please flip on your back"
If you have never been to an Xray, it is'nt all that pleasant. You're put on a cold metal XRay bed and a big claustophobic overarm machine covers you, while they push and tell you to get into odd uncomfortable positions.
He impatiently kept telling me to move , when I lost it on him. I said,
"Do I look like a fucking deaf mute midget to you? I have perfectly good hearing, and know what to do, but I am 6 feet 1 inches tall and cannot maneouveur quite as well, when you have your fucking Xray machine crunching me down. Either back off for a sec, or move the fucking arm."
His assistant broke into hysterical laughter and had to go behind the protective radiation wall. The radiologist looked mortified and moved a step back and allowed me to move into my positions with more ease.
When I was done, I left with as much dignity as one could with an open gurney.
"Turn on your back."
"Lower, and bend your knees...more....More...MORE!"
"A little more quickly"
"Now flip on your back. Could you please flip on your back"
If you have never been to an Xray, it is'nt all that pleasant. You're put on a cold metal XRay bed and a big claustophobic overarm machine covers you, while they push and tell you to get into odd uncomfortable positions.
He impatiently kept telling me to move , when I lost it on him. I said,
"Do I look like a fucking deaf mute midget to you? I have perfectly good hearing, and know what to do, but I am 6 feet 1 inches tall and cannot maneouveur quite as well, when you have your fucking Xray machine crunching me down. Either back off for a sec, or move the fucking arm."
His assistant broke into hysterical laughter and had to go behind the protective radiation wall. The radiologist looked mortified and moved a step back and allowed me to move into my positions with more ease.
When I was done, I left with as much dignity as one could with an open gurney.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Love is vulnerability
It is day 6.
And I will be honest. I am not exactly the semblance of calm and emotional composure as I was during the first few days of our breakup. I am coming undone, so it feels. Seams bursting as I try to mend my torn emotions, pushing the stuffing back in.
The reality of it seems to grow stronger everyday, but I am coping by keeping myself busy. I know that I need to release, but now is not the time. So many things are looming and pending - work deadlines, family, health, life. There is no time to think about the hurt, no time to feel it. Yet, it is the only thing I can think of and feel. The ache swells even more when I get home and see the remnants of what belongs to him, still occupying my abode. He has not called me since Thursday night, when I told him that I respected his decision, despite the hurt and confusion, and that I still loved him. Words I have said before to him, only to bring silence on his part. I have called several times just to say hello and see if all is ok, but it seems he is not there.
Isn't it odd, that after all these years of emotional distance and building walls, that when I finally am mature and strong enough to express love, I am hurt again? The glass walls come up quicker, and the hurt is buried even deeper, but everyone can still see it. The very thing so many people strive for, and are told to show, has now apparently scared him off. Ironic isn't it? Alannis Morisette had it all wrong, it seems I can't even get to the wedding day to be rained upon, let alone hold a boyfriend. The part that hurts most is not truly knowing why.
History repeats itself so they say. As one of those who felt unloved and hurt as they grew up, I appreciate love in all its wonderful facets, but often cannot believe it will be mine. I can see it. I know it exists, and I can give it. But I don't know how to accept it, even when it is directly in front of me. I admit that I hate exposing myself, despite my recent attempts at letting my guard down. I am still an intensely private person when it comes to emotions and I know that it is a reflection of my soul trying to protect itself from more damage. But I also realise that for my soul to learn and heal, it also needs to accept and open the doors for change. My good friend and colleague JW, once said to me that,
I thought it was a changing moment for me, even though it went against so much of what I used to believe. So, I am in a predicament. I am torn between allowing myself to feel, and the fear of what that may bring. Open the floodgates and one will never know. Beware he who walks that path. But, I guess this what it takes to learn and be in a relationship. I wrote in a previous blog that;
It seems I am getting there, but maybe RB isn't, and I DO have to respect that, no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts a lot.
P.S. Thanks to everyone for your emails, comments and kind words. They have helped and I am most grateful.
And I will be honest. I am not exactly the semblance of calm and emotional composure as I was during the first few days of our breakup. I am coming undone, so it feels. Seams bursting as I try to mend my torn emotions, pushing the stuffing back in.
The reality of it seems to grow stronger everyday, but I am coping by keeping myself busy. I know that I need to release, but now is not the time. So many things are looming and pending - work deadlines, family, health, life. There is no time to think about the hurt, no time to feel it. Yet, it is the only thing I can think of and feel. The ache swells even more when I get home and see the remnants of what belongs to him, still occupying my abode. He has not called me since Thursday night, when I told him that I respected his decision, despite the hurt and confusion, and that I still loved him. Words I have said before to him, only to bring silence on his part. I have called several times just to say hello and see if all is ok, but it seems he is not there.
Isn't it odd, that after all these years of emotional distance and building walls, that when I finally am mature and strong enough to express love, I am hurt again? The glass walls come up quicker, and the hurt is buried even deeper, but everyone can still see it. The very thing so many people strive for, and are told to show, has now apparently scared him off. Ironic isn't it? Alannis Morisette had it all wrong, it seems I can't even get to the wedding day to be rained upon, let alone hold a boyfriend. The part that hurts most is not truly knowing why.
History repeats itself so they say. As one of those who felt unloved and hurt as they grew up, I appreciate love in all its wonderful facets, but often cannot believe it will be mine. I can see it. I know it exists, and I can give it. But I don't know how to accept it, even when it is directly in front of me. I admit that I hate exposing myself, despite my recent attempts at letting my guard down. I am still an intensely private person when it comes to emotions and I know that it is a reflection of my soul trying to protect itself from more damage. But I also realise that for my soul to learn and heal, it also needs to accept and open the doors for change. My good friend and colleague JW, once said to me that,
...if you don't go into love 100% there is no point, because you are not putting all your effort into it. You are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
I thought it was a changing moment for me, even though it went against so much of what I used to believe. So, I am in a predicament. I am torn between allowing myself to feel, and the fear of what that may bring. Open the floodgates and one will never know. Beware he who walks that path. But, I guess this what it takes to learn and be in a relationship. I wrote in a previous blog that;
...I can only be a fully committed, participating husband or partner if I am truly honest and happy myself.
It seems I am getting there, but maybe RB isn't, and I DO have to respect that, no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts a lot.
P.S. Thanks to everyone for your emails, comments and kind words. They have helped and I am most grateful.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
What is Love?
Let me start, by saying that I am not one who gives my heart away easily.
I am rational, often emotionally reserved and far too analytical.
It's taken me a long time to get where I am, but I am happy and proud of my progress. As a lonely child that was picked on and abused, I learned how to turn my emotions off, realising that detaching my emotional and physical self from the mental, rational self was a survival method. It has always been this way.
It may not have been the wisest path, but I survived.
I am still standing. Still breathing.
And with this knowledge, I also know that I am far from absolute peace and complete happiness. Thus is life - a journey and a lesson on patience and virtue, and what is truly important to oneself. I am one of those individuals that believes innately in goodness - that every soul has something beautiful to share, and that they are innately good. A naive notion I suppose, but this has been the way I have always lived all my life, and I still believe in it to this day.
I have lived a good life thus far, with great and supportive friends, who are always there for me when I need them. A comfortable life, but not without its troubles. I have been through a lot. We can leave it at that. I don't want to compare my life with others and make it appear that mine has been more difficult or more important. It's not like that really. It's just that I've realised, from my experiences, that some things are more important in life and that one can't hold on to grudges or past grievances, because you can never move forward with all that dead weight.
There is a time to let go. And, I have realised this with RB (Rib Breaker). The difficult part, is that I see his beauty where he does not see it, and it breaks my heart to know that he feels lost.
We have mutually decided to break it off and give some space between us. RB is at a point in his life where he has a lot of choices and decisions to make (mentally, spiritually, etc). Many paths stretch before him, but he just doesn't know which one to take at this point. I can only be supportive and lend my helping hand when needed, but it will be his decision, and his steps that take him down that path. I cannot do that for him, and that is why I am letting go...reluctantly.
I love the boy and I hope he knows it.
I realise I am not the most expressive or demonstrative person, but that changed with RB. My friends can certainly vouch for that, but the last 4 years have taught me a lot, and I have grown immensely, and I hope RB will find something similar. He and I, are at that awkward stage now, where we don't know what to say to one another. We just sit quietly, the silence between us is almost too loud. Our cries and sobs are stiffling and it hurts deep down.
A few weeks ago, I asked The Joy Luck Club (JLC), my closest friends, what "love" was, as I wasn't sure if I knew or ever felt what it was. They were a little shocked, but said that you just know. It was a notion I couldn't wrap my head around, as it was foreign to me, so I thought. I have lived much of my life keeping people at bay, protecting myself from hurt by putting walls around me. The last 4 years have seen a lot of change in me. The last 6 months even more.
RB has taught me a lot about my capacity to give and love, and I am grateful to him for that. I am sad, but also immensely inspired by the achievments I have made during our 6 months together. It has been intense with him living with me, but I wouldn't change it for a moment. Despite these turn of events, there is a certain amount of relief in knowing the status of our relationship. RB is an intensely private, shy and slow communicator, which often made it difficult to know what was going through his head. I am a patient person, he knows that, and he knows I will always be here for him as a friend and confidante, when he feels he needs it. For too long, I have been blinded by my stubborness and naivete of what love is or could be, but I know what it is now. It is comfort, laughter, happiness and the feeling of home when you are with someone.
A feeling I have never known before.
(P.S. I've been drinking vodka all evening, so I hope this doesn't all sound like dribble)
I am rational, often emotionally reserved and far too analytical.
It's taken me a long time to get where I am, but I am happy and proud of my progress. As a lonely child that was picked on and abused, I learned how to turn my emotions off, realising that detaching my emotional and physical self from the mental, rational self was a survival method. It has always been this way.
It may not have been the wisest path, but I survived.
I am still standing. Still breathing.
And with this knowledge, I also know that I am far from absolute peace and complete happiness. Thus is life - a journey and a lesson on patience and virtue, and what is truly important to oneself. I am one of those individuals that believes innately in goodness - that every soul has something beautiful to share, and that they are innately good. A naive notion I suppose, but this has been the way I have always lived all my life, and I still believe in it to this day.
I have lived a good life thus far, with great and supportive friends, who are always there for me when I need them. A comfortable life, but not without its troubles. I have been through a lot. We can leave it at that. I don't want to compare my life with others and make it appear that mine has been more difficult or more important. It's not like that really. It's just that I've realised, from my experiences, that some things are more important in life and that one can't hold on to grudges or past grievances, because you can never move forward with all that dead weight.
There is a time to let go. And, I have realised this with RB (Rib Breaker). The difficult part, is that I see his beauty where he does not see it, and it breaks my heart to know that he feels lost.
We have mutually decided to break it off and give some space between us. RB is at a point in his life where he has a lot of choices and decisions to make (mentally, spiritually, etc). Many paths stretch before him, but he just doesn't know which one to take at this point. I can only be supportive and lend my helping hand when needed, but it will be his decision, and his steps that take him down that path. I cannot do that for him, and that is why I am letting go...reluctantly.
I love the boy and I hope he knows it.
I realise I am not the most expressive or demonstrative person, but that changed with RB. My friends can certainly vouch for that, but the last 4 years have taught me a lot, and I have grown immensely, and I hope RB will find something similar. He and I, are at that awkward stage now, where we don't know what to say to one another. We just sit quietly, the silence between us is almost too loud. Our cries and sobs are stiffling and it hurts deep down.
A few weeks ago, I asked The Joy Luck Club (JLC), my closest friends, what "love" was, as I wasn't sure if I knew or ever felt what it was. They were a little shocked, but said that you just know. It was a notion I couldn't wrap my head around, as it was foreign to me, so I thought. I have lived much of my life keeping people at bay, protecting myself from hurt by putting walls around me. The last 4 years have seen a lot of change in me. The last 6 months even more.
RB has taught me a lot about my capacity to give and love, and I am grateful to him for that. I am sad, but also immensely inspired by the achievments I have made during our 6 months together. It has been intense with him living with me, but I wouldn't change it for a moment. Despite these turn of events, there is a certain amount of relief in knowing the status of our relationship. RB is an intensely private, shy and slow communicator, which often made it difficult to know what was going through his head. I am a patient person, he knows that, and he knows I will always be here for him as a friend and confidante, when he feels he needs it. For too long, I have been blinded by my stubborness and naivete of what love is or could be, but I know what it is now. It is comfort, laughter, happiness and the feeling of home when you are with someone.
A feeling I have never known before.
(P.S. I've been drinking vodka all evening, so I hope this doesn't all sound like dribble)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
The new Moral leader?
So it seems, the Vatican's Princes of the Church have chosen their new demi-god, and the choice was Cardinal Josef Ratzinger of Germany, who is an Ultra-conservative, and who was the right hand of Pope John Paul II. Interestingly, he also had a stint as a neo-Nazi youth. Of course he denies any wrong-doing or any involvement in participating in the extermination of Jews and others reviled by Hitler.
It's odd that no one seems to have issue with this. The Church is so clear on setting guidelines for everyone on how to live morally, yet they allow a Nazi into the Church as one of their princes and moral, spiritual leaders. Who gives a damn whether or not he didn't participate in killing anybody. The fact remains that he joined the Hitler youth guard, and didn't have the moral or ethical gall to say or do something. He preserved his life by standing by and letting others kill the Jews, Poles, etc. His inaction and lack of participation in rebelling against Hitler and the atrocities of that period were a sentence for those people to die. It says a lot about what and who he is. He is a political figure jousting for position in one of the richest, most secretive and possibly corrupt institutions in the world.
Now, I am sure there are a few good ones out there, but any institution that preserves and protects the very people who molest children or murder Jews, shakes the foundation of what I consider moral and ethical.
What is even more scary is Ratzingers' take on where the Church is going and the people who do not follow the faith. He is quoted as saying;
Further evidence of his narrow perspective and lack of understanding of a global
cultural world, was during an interviewed quote he made to French newspaper Le
figaro that Turkey, a largely Muslim country, ought not be admitted to the
European Union.
Ratzinger later said this was a personal view, but then again every view is personal, so I am only left with the unsettling knowledge that these views will permeate the Vatican.
So, just like that, in a puff of smoke, the choice has been made, and I think it's scary.
http://www.canada.com/national/features/pope/index.html
It's odd that no one seems to have issue with this. The Church is so clear on setting guidelines for everyone on how to live morally, yet they allow a Nazi into the Church as one of their princes and moral, spiritual leaders. Who gives a damn whether or not he didn't participate in killing anybody. The fact remains that he joined the Hitler youth guard, and didn't have the moral or ethical gall to say or do something. He preserved his life by standing by and letting others kill the Jews, Poles, etc. His inaction and lack of participation in rebelling against Hitler and the atrocities of that period were a sentence for those people to die. It says a lot about what and who he is. He is a political figure jousting for position in one of the richest, most secretive and possibly corrupt institutions in the world.
Now, I am sure there are a few good ones out there, but any institution that preserves and protects the very people who molest children or murder Jews, shakes the foundation of what I consider moral and ethical.
What is even more scary is Ratzingers' take on where the Church is going and the people who do not follow the faith. He is quoted as saying;
"Those who seek the truth find themselves objectively on the path that leads toHis antiquated doctrine is a throwback to the middle ages. Any take on the Bible as literal and as the justification to rule over others and to instill a religious totalitarianism within the Vatican, is a dangerous turn. Read the Washigton Post article from November 2004 and have a look at the following quote:
Christ"
Observers said Ratzinger’s views have been heavily influenced by the harrowing experience of two contending ideologies: fascism, which he experienced as a youth in Germany, and the Marxism rife in German universities during the 1960s.
“Having seen fascism in action, Ratzinger today believes that the best antidote to political totalitarianism is ecclesial totalitarianism. In other words, he believes the Catholic Church serves the cause of human freedom by restricting freedom in its
internal life, thereby remaining clear about what it teaches and believes,”
wrote John Allen, a journalist and biographer of Ratzinger.
Further evidence of his narrow perspective and lack of understanding of a global
cultural world, was during an interviewed quote he made to French newspaper Le
figaro that Turkey, a largely Muslim country, ought not be admitted to the
European Union.
"Europe is a cultural continent, not a geographical one. The roots that have
formed it . . . are those of Christianity," he said. "Turkey, which is
considered a secular country but is founded upon Islam, could instead attempt to
bring a cultural continent together with some neighboring Arab countries."
Ratzinger later said this was a personal view, but then again every view is personal, so I am only left with the unsettling knowledge that these views will permeate the Vatican.
So, just like that, in a puff of smoke, the choice has been made, and I think it's scary.
http://www.canada.com/national/features/pope/index.html
General malaise and blahs
I have been in a foul mood for the last 4 days, and admittedly, those around me are getting the brunt of it. This is the reason why I have been avoiding everyone - not wanting to be nasty or say something inappropriate. This mood is an aberration from my usual upbeat self, but I think I have been beating myself over the head with it, believing I should be the usual chipper, funny self that I am. I suppose everyone is entitled to a few "off" or "bitch" days. Many of you have taught me that it is okay to do this. It's only human.
All of this I suppose is a direct result of recent medical results regarding my back and leg. It's been an ongoing thing for more than a decade, and the frustration is growing. In my late teens and early 20's I complained to my doctors that I was experiencing a lot of back pains and they simply shrugged it off as over-activity or due to sports. No tests were done, and I was too young to know the difference. The pain increased over the years and by 24, I was in so much pain that my Family physician finally decided to do some tests. They diagnosed me with a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, a disorder that causes fusing of the joints in the vertebrae.
Anyhow, I was put on a variety of drugs (Votaren, Ibuprofen, Vioxx, Bextra) to compensate for the pain, and was told that I would be crippled by my 40's or 50's. Then, a new family doctor came along who had the same disease himself, and he sent me to a new rheumatologist, who said I didn't have it, but diagnosed me with the general malaise of fibromyalgia, which my Family doctor disagreed with. On top of all this, 2 1/2 years ago, I got severe sciatica in my right leg, which left me relying on the use of crutches or a cane for 6 months or more. The sciatica hasn't gone and it is aggravating the hell out of me. All of the anti-inflammatory drugs (vioxx, bextra), which I was put on, have now been pulled off the shelves as they cause heart disease, strokes, etc.
The problem here is that I have had no consistency with the medical experts. The only consistent thing, has been the pain, which is with me on a daily basis. I am beginning to lose faith and confidence in the Medical field. A 10 or 15 minute appointment with my Specialist is NOT a sufficient amount of time to gauge my situation and to develop an educated and empirical diagnosis.
I have an appointment today with my Specialist whom I plan on discussing my issues with. I want answers and options that I can take to resolve this. I want to be my chipper, mobile, happy self, without the need for drugs. I want to get back to enjoying life and living. I hate not knowing, and I hate being grumpy.
Breathe in, breathe out. (ahhhhhhh)
The meditation and the blogging sure do help, so thanks for listening.
All of this I suppose is a direct result of recent medical results regarding my back and leg. It's been an ongoing thing for more than a decade, and the frustration is growing. In my late teens and early 20's I complained to my doctors that I was experiencing a lot of back pains and they simply shrugged it off as over-activity or due to sports. No tests were done, and I was too young to know the difference. The pain increased over the years and by 24, I was in so much pain that my Family physician finally decided to do some tests. They diagnosed me with a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, a disorder that causes fusing of the joints in the vertebrae.
Anyhow, I was put on a variety of drugs (Votaren, Ibuprofen, Vioxx, Bextra) to compensate for the pain, and was told that I would be crippled by my 40's or 50's. Then, a new family doctor came along who had the same disease himself, and he sent me to a new rheumatologist, who said I didn't have it, but diagnosed me with the general malaise of fibromyalgia, which my Family doctor disagreed with. On top of all this, 2 1/2 years ago, I got severe sciatica in my right leg, which left me relying on the use of crutches or a cane for 6 months or more. The sciatica hasn't gone and it is aggravating the hell out of me. All of the anti-inflammatory drugs (vioxx, bextra), which I was put on, have now been pulled off the shelves as they cause heart disease, strokes, etc.
The problem here is that I have had no consistency with the medical experts. The only consistent thing, has been the pain, which is with me on a daily basis. I am beginning to lose faith and confidence in the Medical field. A 10 or 15 minute appointment with my Specialist is NOT a sufficient amount of time to gauge my situation and to develop an educated and empirical diagnosis.
I have an appointment today with my Specialist whom I plan on discussing my issues with. I want answers and options that I can take to resolve this. I want to be my chipper, mobile, happy self, without the need for drugs. I want to get back to enjoying life and living. I hate not knowing, and I hate being grumpy.
Breathe in, breathe out. (ahhhhhhh)
The meditation and the blogging sure do help, so thanks for listening.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
I am Normal?
You Are 60% Normal (Really Normal) |
 Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so! |
Billy is no longer an Idol
Billy Idol Concert
Devil's Playground Tour
Koolhaus in Toronto
8pm
Alright, not to be bitchy, but the concert kinda sucked.
I went with J to the concert and the first thing we noticed was the large crowd surrounding the building. The second thing I noticed was that most of the crowd was trying to reclaim their 80's youth-hood via lycra pants, lame (and lame) shirts and big hair. I swear I was one of the younger people there (not that I care, really). Amongst the crowd, I saw a number of families (mum, dad with their 2 tweens and 7 year old). I know this was an All Ages Concert, but I guess Mum and Dad couldn't afford the babysitter for the night, so they thought 50 bucks a pop for each kid would be a better choice. Ummm...WRONG.
So, I'm standing in line with these Ajax cougars in front of me, Mum and Dad with kids a little behind me and I'm feeling like I should be at a Saturday morning concert starring not Billy Idol, but Elmo on Sesame Street Live. Right behind me, Dude, with his girlfriend ran to the front to see if he could bribe himself in front of the line, cause his GF was wearing only a tight mini leather skirt and halter top. He came back complaining that bribes have gone up over the years and they would take no less than 75 bucks each. So they stayed behind me and froze till they got to the front.
J and I get in and b-line for the bar. A few good drinks should make the crowd a little more pretty and less annoying. The crowd is pretty diverse I suppose (Ican't trash that), but I can't get over the crowds of groupies running to the front of the stage. J and I situate ourselves about half-way back with a couple in their 40's who we strike up conversation with. Quite nice and very funny. we kept making fun of the 2 drunk, obnoxious girls and their Urine smelling boyfriend who pushed their way in front of us. None-to-pleased about that.
The concert begins, and I have to admit, I haven't heard much from his new album. It's okay, I guess. His rendition of Mony, Mony was good, but rather long. He also did a rendition of Hot In The City, but upp'ed the Cheese factor to Poutine curds, when he changed the lyrics to Hot in Toronto. Original guitarist Stevens took centre stage a number of times, and I admit I enjoyed his performance more than Idols antics. The theatrics and hip pumping of the 46 year old Idol, were just a bit...umm distracting. I went with some skepticism, and was happy that he lived up to the Cheese factor. The fact that Idol hasn't changed, or aged for that matter (thanks to the knife and Botox), kinda made the whole experience nostalgic in a rather fucked up surreal way. His characteristic Ego, sneer and stripping of shirt was interesting to still see, but kinda out-dated. I was rather surprised by the number of bras and panties that flew on stage, which he promptly signed, or used to wipe up his sweat and gonads, then threw back. I can just imagine those groupies going into their Corporate office jobs this morning, pulling in all the secretaries and other girls to get a whiff of the man's juices.
Uggh, I take it back, I'd rather not picture it.
All-in-all, a rather dissappointing concert. Though I did have fun poking fun. Would have been better if I saw Dickeybird and hung out with him, but we didn't see each other. Missed him at the Scissor Sisters Concert as well. Anyhow, I'll be reading his blog shortly to see what he thought. I'll be presumptuous here, but I think we may fall on some similar views.
Oh, and here's a Tip: Drunk big girls with big hair should not jump up and down, nor should they keep throwing their hair back, a la head banging. I spent the night icing my flattened feet and getting the taste of cheap herbal essence shampoo and hairspray out of my mouth.
Devil's Playground Tour
Koolhaus in Toronto
8pm
Alright, not to be bitchy, but the concert kinda sucked.
I went with J to the concert and the first thing we noticed was the large crowd surrounding the building. The second thing I noticed was that most of the crowd was trying to reclaim their 80's youth-hood via lycra pants, lame (and lame) shirts and big hair. I swear I was one of the younger people there (not that I care, really). Amongst the crowd, I saw a number of families (mum, dad with their 2 tweens and 7 year old). I know this was an All Ages Concert, but I guess Mum and Dad couldn't afford the babysitter for the night, so they thought 50 bucks a pop for each kid would be a better choice. Ummm...WRONG.
So, I'm standing in line with these Ajax cougars in front of me, Mum and Dad with kids a little behind me and I'm feeling like I should be at a Saturday morning concert starring not Billy Idol, but Elmo on Sesame Street Live. Right behind me, Dude, with his girlfriend ran to the front to see if he could bribe himself in front of the line, cause his GF was wearing only a tight mini leather skirt and halter top. He came back complaining that bribes have gone up over the years and they would take no less than 75 bucks each. So they stayed behind me and froze till they got to the front.
J and I get in and b-line for the bar. A few good drinks should make the crowd a little more pretty and less annoying. The crowd is pretty diverse I suppose (Ican't trash that), but I can't get over the crowds of groupies running to the front of the stage. J and I situate ourselves about half-way back with a couple in their 40's who we strike up conversation with. Quite nice and very funny. we kept making fun of the 2 drunk, obnoxious girls and their Urine smelling boyfriend who pushed their way in front of us. None-to-pleased about that.
The concert begins, and I have to admit, I haven't heard much from his new album. It's okay, I guess. His rendition of Mony, Mony was good, but rather long. He also did a rendition of Hot In The City, but upp'ed the Cheese factor to Poutine curds, when he changed the lyrics to Hot in Toronto. Original guitarist Stevens took centre stage a number of times, and I admit I enjoyed his performance more than Idols antics. The theatrics and hip pumping of the 46 year old Idol, were just a bit...umm distracting. I went with some skepticism, and was happy that he lived up to the Cheese factor. The fact that Idol hasn't changed, or aged for that matter (thanks to the knife and Botox), kinda made the whole experience nostalgic in a rather fucked up surreal way. His characteristic Ego, sneer and stripping of shirt was interesting to still see, but kinda out-dated. I was rather surprised by the number of bras and panties that flew on stage, which he promptly signed, or used to wipe up his sweat and gonads, then threw back. I can just imagine those groupies going into their Corporate office jobs this morning, pulling in all the secretaries and other girls to get a whiff of the man's juices.
Uggh, I take it back, I'd rather not picture it.
All-in-all, a rather dissappointing concert. Though I did have fun poking fun. Would have been better if I saw Dickeybird and hung out with him, but we didn't see each other. Missed him at the Scissor Sisters Concert as well. Anyhow, I'll be reading his blog shortly to see what he thought. I'll be presumptuous here, but I think we may fall on some similar views.
Oh, and here's a Tip: Drunk big girls with big hair should not jump up and down, nor should they keep throwing their hair back, a la head banging. I spent the night icing my flattened feet and getting the taste of cheap herbal essence shampoo and hairspray out of my mouth.
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
Global Personality Test Results - Idea Stolen from St.Dickeybird
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Stability results were very high which suggests you are extremely relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Trait Snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
Romantic Moments My Style
The other day, Rib Breaker and I were having a shower together, when I decided to rub his back and give him a shampoo massage. I thought it would be the sweet, romantic thing to do, since he is a Registered Massage Therapist (RMT) and always gives massages to me. But, since I tend not to be particularly romantic, I decided to do what I do best - pull a prank and make a joke of it.
We had gotten into the shower and I picked up the bottle of shampoo and started to lather it into his hair and chest. His eyes were closed and he was pleasantly humming to himself, enjoying the treat. I did this for a few minutes and decided to step away to view my handy work and wait for him to open his eyes. When he did, he saw me standing there grinning, holding a bottle of Shampoo.....for dogs.
I began to read the label aloud:
Sergeant’s® Fur-So-Fresh® Dog Shampoo has a long-lasting herbal fragrance, that lasts up to 2 weeks. The deep-Cleansing formula and special conditioners leaves your beloved pets coat lustrous and easy to manage, with a brilliant sheen.We laughed our asses off.
I am so glad to be with someone who understands my humour. It's no wonder that I love the boy so much. Of course, the next day he said he wouldn't take a shower because he still smelled so fresh.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Random Crap about me
I stole this idea from Jase. For more info on me (though I am not sure who would care), go here
1) WHAT ARE YOUR RANDOM 10 SONGS?
'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan
'Everyday Is Like Sunday' by Morrissey
'Everybody's Changing' by Keane
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'You Make Me Feel Like' by A:xus
'Burn This City' by Franz Ferdinand
'Cherub Rock' by Smashing Pumpkins
'Somebody told Me' by The Killers
'Filthy Gorgeous' by Scissor Sisters
'Let the Wind Carry Me' by Joni Mitchell
2) WHAT IS THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF MUSIC ON YOUR COMPUTER
I dunno. But, I probably have more porn than music. About 80 GBytes worth (thats music and porn total)
3) THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Buddha Bar VI CD Compilation
4) WRITE DOWN 5 SONGS YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OR MEAN A LOT TO YOU
'Don't you forget about me' - Simple Minds
'Possession' - Sarah McLachlan
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'Happiness' by King Britt feat. Alma Horton
'You Make Me Feel Like' by A:xus
***************************************
1) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?
'TCP/IP Network Administration' or 'The Female Eunuch' by Germaine Greer
2) WHAT DID YOU DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Had drinks with the guy I am seeing, then went for dinner at a diner, went home and etc etc.
3) WHAT DID YOU GET ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Nothing, and I am still ribbing him for it.
4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARNATEED WEEPING MOVIE?
Never wept at a movie.
5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Dunno, will see when I really begin to age.
6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?
Sadly, committment and relationships. Though I am working through that now.
7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?
A nervous laugh and shuffling of feet.
8) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
Yes. A few here and there, but most are Canadians...so I guess the answer is no.
9) WHAT DO YOU CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES?
Lip balm, cash and blackberry.
10) WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT BEING A KID?
Care-free inhibitions and ease of thought. Being able to act like a kid without being looked at as though you shouldn't.
11) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO?
'Take Your Mama Out' by Scissor Sisters
12) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLAY?
Yes. Annie when I was in Grade 4. There was such a stink between the 3 girls who wanted to be Annie, that they had 3 Annie's. And no, I was not one of them.
13) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yes, I believe so.
14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?
Yes, even more so as I grow older.
15) DO TRANSIENT, HOMELESS, OR STARVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES ANNOY YOU?
Yes. Though I will at times buy food, or gloves for some. I will never give cash, because I know where it goes, and I am not making a stereotype. I know first hand.
16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?
I play the piano, but would love to learn the guitar.
17) FAVORITE FABRIC?
Cotton. it's comforting.
18) WHAT'S ONE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO LEARN?
I suppose I ought to be more proficient at the languages I already speak (Mandarin, Hakka), but I would like to learn Spanish and re-learn French.
19) WHAT DO YOU ORDER AT A BAR?
Beer:Molson Dry, Sleemens, Keiths. Draught:Kilkenny or Keiths. Vodka Martini, or Gin/tonic, Rye/Coke.
20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?
Yes a couple here and there.
21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?
Yes, and a few more to come. I am still working on the designs, and agree that they are spiritually addictive.
22) DO YOU DRIVE A STICK?
No.
23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Well, lets make this about the same sex, and I will say, confidence and intelligence.
24) MOST FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE?
A cotton blend pajama bottom by American Essentials from Holt Renfrew that was more than 100 bucks.
25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?
Chinese Food, One pot wonders, roasts, BBQ, Pasta. I pretty much cook pretty well.
26) WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT DRESSSED LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Been there, done that.
27) WHAT'S ONE CAR YOU WILL NEVER BUY.
A Ladda
28) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Humour, Fiction, Queer Fiction, Anthologies, and politics.
29) IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Pay off my parents mortgage, my brothers mortgage, and my mortgage, then renovate.
30) DO YOU CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not generally, but I have and I love them for supporting me.
31) WHAT'S ONE THING YOU LIKE TO DO ALONE?
Is this a trick question? Umm, I like to write, play the piano, do yoga and stretch, or go for a walk to gather my thoughts.
32) ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?
A giver.
33) WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Sorry, that's too personal. But it was sometime ago.
34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY?
Quite a bit, unless I am tired. Otherwide, if its beer, a pitcher or so. Martinis do not get me sleepy or drunk, but get me social.
1) WHAT ARE YOUR RANDOM 10 SONGS?
'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan
'Everyday Is Like Sunday' by Morrissey
'Everybody's Changing' by Keane
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'You Make Me Feel Like' by A:xus
'Burn This City' by Franz Ferdinand
'Cherub Rock' by Smashing Pumpkins
'Somebody told Me' by The Killers
'Filthy Gorgeous' by Scissor Sisters
'Let the Wind Carry Me' by Joni Mitchell
2) WHAT IS THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF MUSIC ON YOUR COMPUTER
I dunno. But, I probably have more porn than music. About 80 GBytes worth (thats music and porn total)
3) THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Buddha Bar VI CD Compilation
4) WRITE DOWN 5 SONGS YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OR MEAN A LOT TO YOU
'Don't you forget about me' - Simple Minds
'Possession' - Sarah McLachlan
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'Happiness' by King Britt feat. Alma Horton
'You Make Me Feel Like' by A:xus
***************************************
1) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?
'TCP/IP Network Administration' or 'The Female Eunuch' by Germaine Greer
2) WHAT DID YOU DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Had drinks with the guy I am seeing, then went for dinner at a diner, went home and etc etc.
3) WHAT DID YOU GET ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Nothing, and I am still ribbing him for it.
4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARNATEED WEEPING MOVIE?
Never wept at a movie.
5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Dunno, will see when I really begin to age.
6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?
Sadly, committment and relationships. Though I am working through that now.
7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?
A nervous laugh and shuffling of feet.
8) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
Yes. A few here and there, but most are Canadians...so I guess the answer is no.
9) WHAT DO YOU CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES?
Lip balm, cash and blackberry.
10) WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT BEING A KID?
Care-free inhibitions and ease of thought. Being able to act like a kid without being looked at as though you shouldn't.
11) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO?
'Take Your Mama Out' by Scissor Sisters
12) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLAY?
Yes. Annie when I was in Grade 4. There was such a stink between the 3 girls who wanted to be Annie, that they had 3 Annie's. And no, I was not one of them.
13) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yes, I believe so.
14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?
Yes, even more so as I grow older.
15) DO TRANSIENT, HOMELESS, OR STARVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES ANNOY YOU?
Yes. Though I will at times buy food, or gloves for some. I will never give cash, because I know where it goes, and I am not making a stereotype. I know first hand.
16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?
I play the piano, but would love to learn the guitar.
17) FAVORITE FABRIC?
Cotton. it's comforting.
18) WHAT'S ONE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO LEARN?
I suppose I ought to be more proficient at the languages I already speak (Mandarin, Hakka), but I would like to learn Spanish and re-learn French.
19) WHAT DO YOU ORDER AT A BAR?
Beer:Molson Dry, Sleemens, Keiths. Draught:Kilkenny or Keiths. Vodka Martini, or Gin/tonic, Rye/Coke.
20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?
Yes a couple here and there.
21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?
Yes, and a few more to come. I am still working on the designs, and agree that they are spiritually addictive.
22) DO YOU DRIVE A STICK?
No.
23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Well, lets make this about the same sex, and I will say, confidence and intelligence.
24) MOST FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE?
A cotton blend pajama bottom by American Essentials from Holt Renfrew that was more than 100 bucks.
25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?
Chinese Food, One pot wonders, roasts, BBQ, Pasta. I pretty much cook pretty well.
26) WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT DRESSSED LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Been there, done that.
27) WHAT'S ONE CAR YOU WILL NEVER BUY.
A Ladda
28) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Humour, Fiction, Queer Fiction, Anthologies, and politics.
29) IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Pay off my parents mortgage, my brothers mortgage, and my mortgage, then renovate.
30) DO YOU CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not generally, but I have and I love them for supporting me.
31) WHAT'S ONE THING YOU LIKE TO DO ALONE?
Is this a trick question? Umm, I like to write, play the piano, do yoga and stretch, or go for a walk to gather my thoughts.
32) ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?
A giver.
33) WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Sorry, that's too personal. But it was sometime ago.
34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY?
Quite a bit, unless I am tired. Otherwide, if its beer, a pitcher or so. Martinis do not get me sleepy or drunk, but get me social.
Doggie Updates
Hi All,
I am still swamped with work, and haven't had time to blog or update you with the recent episodes with Kalyx.
No need to worry. I think most of my reaction was a plea for help based on stress and worry. I have spoken with the SPCA, an Animal Behaviourist and each have given me a number of options which I am currently trying. In addition to this I have also spoken with my Condo Management and Security and all understand the situation. As for the neighbour down the hall who has been complaining, she is apparently not well liked by anyone of the prior mentioned people, so I really have no worries. The word "be-yatch" has been thrown around more then a few times. Anyhow, thanks to all of you for the feedback, encouragement and empathy.
Kalyx is doing well, and as you can see, she's sleeping like the baby she is.
I am still swamped with work, and haven't had time to blog or update you with the recent episodes with Kalyx.
No need to worry. I think most of my reaction was a plea for help based on stress and worry. I have spoken with the SPCA, an Animal Behaviourist and each have given me a number of options which I am currently trying. In addition to this I have also spoken with my Condo Management and Security and all understand the situation. As for the neighbour down the hall who has been complaining, she is apparently not well liked by anyone of the prior mentioned people, so I really have no worries. The word "be-yatch" has been thrown around more then a few times. Anyhow, thanks to all of you for the feedback, encouragement and empathy.
Kalyx is doing well, and as you can see, she's sleeping like the baby she is.
Wednesday, March 9, 2005
My doggie is looking for a new home
It breaks my heart, but my baby Kalyx (pronounced "Cal-licks" or "Kay-licks"), is no longer welcome in my condo, due to her daytime barking (PICTURES). This has been going on for quite sometime now, and despite extra attention, returning home for lunches, and various types of training and re-conditioning, she hasn't improved much. My decision hasn't been easy, as I have struggled with this for the last year, but I am hoping if my parents don't take her, that some other kind person will.
Kalyx is a beautiful, energetic, bright Shepherd Cross Breed with very fine soft cuddly fur, who is often entertaining and always silly. She can often be a loner, and doesn't like sleeping on the bed, unless she is by herself like the Queen diva she thinks she is.
She has always been a whiny dog, and has a bit of seperation anxiety. Hide a few treats, to search for when you leave, and she is generally okay.
She requires a home without any other pets as she does not get along with other dogs or cats. Preferably a home without children as well and with a backyard, where she can sit during the day, as she loves to bask in the sun. She is 13 years old (birthday first week of June) and in very good health. The only issue with her, is she is getting old and needy and possibly losing her senility. She is generally a quiet non-barking dog, unless agitated or upset. The perfect home would be one where the owner would be there most of the day (home office?).
She generally eats dry dog food and occassionally gets a treat from the table or store bought can food. She loves apples, pears, peaches and potato chips, and will sit and watch you eat every morsel of food on your plate, in the hopes that you drop or give her some.
I am desperately searching for someone, or a couple who will love her and give her what she needs in her old age.
It breaks my heart even thinking about parting with her. As much love as I have for her, I am unable to provide what it is she needs - a safe, happy home with someone who will likely be with her most of the day.
Please email me directly, or feel free to leave a comment on my blog if you or someone you know might be interested.
Sincerely,
Alex
Kalyx is a beautiful, energetic, bright Shepherd Cross Breed with very fine soft cuddly fur, who is often entertaining and always silly. She can often be a loner, and doesn't like sleeping on the bed, unless she is by herself like the Queen diva she thinks she is.
She has always been a whiny dog, and has a bit of seperation anxiety. Hide a few treats, to search for when you leave, and she is generally okay.
She requires a home without any other pets as she does not get along with other dogs or cats. Preferably a home without children as well and with a backyard, where she can sit during the day, as she loves to bask in the sun. She is 13 years old (birthday first week of June) and in very good health. The only issue with her, is she is getting old and needy and possibly losing her senility. She is generally a quiet non-barking dog, unless agitated or upset. The perfect home would be one where the owner would be there most of the day (home office?).
She generally eats dry dog food and occassionally gets a treat from the table or store bought can food. She loves apples, pears, peaches and potato chips, and will sit and watch you eat every morsel of food on your plate, in the hopes that you drop or give her some.
I am desperately searching for someone, or a couple who will love her and give her what she needs in her old age.
It breaks my heart even thinking about parting with her. As much love as I have for her, I am unable to provide what it is she needs - a safe, happy home with someone who will likely be with her most of the day.
Please email me directly, or feel free to leave a comment on my blog if you or someone you know might be interested.
Sincerely,
Alex
Saturday, March 5, 2005
THE (greatest) (bad) Love Song – No Words Can
+ What is this (love)…?
This burning ember
That swelters summer souls
A fired flame
Ablaze in raging water currents
That consumes consciousness
Blistered burns soothed with toxic chyme
Wounds opened and healed
In one breathe of
Heated calming elixir
All things joined in one
Expression of fertility spent
Death dies to darkness
Swallowed in bathed
Rays of sustained hope
What is this (love)…?
Contradictions all
A Kandinsky whirling back and front
Making sense out of abstract order
A chaos of clutched opened embraces
What is this (love)…?
Rain falling in sunshine
Filling empty holes
With instances of eternity
Creating clouds of blinding comfort
Amidst the down of angel’s wings
Subtle emanations of
Clanging gongs between
The notes of unheard music
Mania in stillness trance
Beating a vibrato frequency
Of synced hearts
All meaning insignificant
Save
The cholera of beloved desire
What is this (love)…?
The bleating sombre night
Of joyous silence
Ringing solemn symphonies
Requiems for phoenix hearts
This tumour mass
Reveals to be
The four chambered beating question
That answers all with healing poison
Enough venom to fever pitch
But not destroy (almost)
The price of peace paid
Never paid
Chased away and back
Moving from selfish to selfless
And then back again
What is this (love)…?
Elusive minute shadows
Cast in desert sands
From noonday suns
Scorching flesh willingly lain bare
What is this (love)…?
An Escher question
Turning back on its reflected self
Where is the beginning of the maze,
The unquestionable question answered
Unanswerably questioned.
(stonedbunny)
This burning ember
That swelters summer souls
A fired flame
Ablaze in raging water currents
That consumes consciousness
Blistered burns soothed with toxic chyme
Wounds opened and healed
In one breathe of
Heated calming elixir
All things joined in one
Expression of fertility spent
Death dies to darkness
Swallowed in bathed
Rays of sustained hope
What is this (love)…?
Contradictions all
A Kandinsky whirling back and front
Making sense out of abstract order
A chaos of clutched opened embraces
What is this (love)…?
Rain falling in sunshine
Filling empty holes
With instances of eternity
Creating clouds of blinding comfort
Amidst the down of angel’s wings
Subtle emanations of
Clanging gongs between
The notes of unheard music
Mania in stillness trance
Beating a vibrato frequency
Of synced hearts
All meaning insignificant
Save
The cholera of beloved desire
What is this (love)…?
The bleating sombre night
Of joyous silence
Ringing solemn symphonies
Requiems for phoenix hearts
This tumour mass
Reveals to be
The four chambered beating question
That answers all with healing poison
Enough venom to fever pitch
But not destroy (almost)
The price of peace paid
Never paid
Chased away and back
Moving from selfish to selfless
And then back again
What is this (love)…?
Elusive minute shadows
Cast in desert sands
From noonday suns
Scorching flesh willingly lain bare
What is this (love)…?
An Escher question
Turning back on its reflected self
Where is the beginning of the maze,
The unquestionable question answered
Unanswerably questioned.
(stonedbunny)
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
Random Crap about Me.
I stole this idea from Jase. For more info on me (though I am not sure who would care), go here
1) WHAT ARE YOUR RANDOM 10 SONGS?
'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan
'Everyday Is Like Sunday' by Morrissey
'Everybody's Changing' by Keane
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'You Make Me Feel Like' by A:xus
'Burn This City' by Franz Ferdinand
'Cherub Rock' by Smashing Pumpkins
'Somebody told Me' by The Killers
'Filthy Gorgeous' by Scissor Sisters
'Let the Wind Carry Me' by Joni Mitchell
2) WHAT IS THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF MUSIC ON YOUR COMPUTER
I dunno. But, I probably have more porn than music. About 80 GBytes worth (thats music and porn total)
3) THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Buddha Bar VI CD Compilation
4) WRITE DOWN 5 SONGS YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OR MEAN A LOT TO YOU
'Don't you forget about me' - Simple Minds
'Angel' - Sarah McLachlan
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'Happiness' by King Britt feat. Alma Horton
***************************************
1) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?
TCP/IP Network Administration
2) WHAT DID YOU DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Had drinks with the guy I am seeing, then went for dinner at a diner, went home and had sex.
3) WHAT DID YOU GET ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Nothing, and I am still ribbing him for it.
4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARNATEED WEEPING MOVIE?
Never wept at a movie.
5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Dunno, will see when I really begin to age.
6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?
Sadly, committment and relationships. Though I am working through that now.
7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?
A nervous laugh and shuffling of feet.
8) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
Yes. A few here and there, but most are Canadians.
9) WHAT DO YOU CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES?
Lip balm, cash and blackberry.
10) WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT BEING A KID?
Care-free inhibitions and ease of thought. Being able to act like a kid without being looked at as though you shouldn't.
11) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO?
'Take Your Mama Out' by Scissor Sisters
12) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLAY?
Yes. Annie when I was in Grade 4. There was such a stink between the 3 girls who wanted to be Annie, that they had 3 Annie's. And no, I was not one of them.
13) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yes, I believe so.
14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?Yes, even more so as I grow older.
15) DO TRANSIENT, HOMELESS, OR STARVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES ANNOY YOU?
Yes. Though I will at times buy food, or gloves for some. I will never give cash, because I know where it goes, and I am not making a stereotype. I know first hand.
16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?
I play the piano, but would love to learn the guitar.
17) FAVORITE FABRIC?
Cotton. it's comforting.
18) WHAT'S ONE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO LEARN?
I suppose I ought to be more proficient at the languages I already speak (Mandarin, Hakka), but I would like to learn Spanish and re-learn French.
19) WHAT DO YOU ORDER AT A BAR?
Beer:Molson Dry, Sleemens, Keiths. Draught:Kilkenny or Keiths. Vodka Martini, or Gin/tonic, Rye/Coke.
20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?
Yes a couple here and there.
21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?
Yes, and a few more to come. I am still working on the designs, and agree that they are spiritually addictive.
22) DO YOU DRIVE A STICK?
No.
23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Well, lets make this about the same sex, and I will say, confidence and intelligence.
24) MOST FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE?
A cotton blend pajama bottom by American Essentials from Holt Renfrew that was more than 100 bucks.
25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?
Chinese Food, One pot wonders, roasts, BBQ, Pasta. I pretty much cook pretty well.
26) WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT DRESSSED LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Been there, done that.
27) WHAT'S ONE CAR YOU WILL NEVER BUY.
A Ladda
28) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Humour, Fiction, Queer Fiction, Anthologies, and politics.
29) IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Pay off my parents mortgage, my brothers mortgage, and my mortgage, then renovate.
30) DO YOU CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not generally, but I have and I love them for supporting me.
31) WHAT'S ONE THING YOU LIKE TO DO ALONE?
Is this a trick question? Umm, I like to write, play the piano, do yoga and stretch, or go for a walk to gather my thoughts.
32) ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?
A giver.
33) WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Sorry, that's too personal. But it was sometime ago.
34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY?
Quite a bit, unless I am tired. Otherwide, if its beer, a pitcher or so. Martinis do not get me sleepy or drunk, but get me social.
1) WHAT ARE YOUR RANDOM 10 SONGS?
'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan
'Everyday Is Like Sunday' by Morrissey
'Everybody's Changing' by Keane
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'You Make Me Feel Like' by A:xus
'Burn This City' by Franz Ferdinand
'Cherub Rock' by Smashing Pumpkins
'Somebody told Me' by The Killers
'Filthy Gorgeous' by Scissor Sisters
'Let the Wind Carry Me' by Joni Mitchell
2) WHAT IS THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF MUSIC ON YOUR COMPUTER
I dunno. But, I probably have more porn than music. About 80 GBytes worth (thats music and porn total)
3) THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Buddha Bar VI CD Compilation
4) WRITE DOWN 5 SONGS YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OR MEAN A LOT TO YOU
'Don't you forget about me' - Simple Minds
'Angel' - Sarah McLachlan
'Live My Life' by Moments of Soul
'Happiness' by King Britt feat. Alma Horton
***************************************
1) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?
TCP/IP Network Administration
2) WHAT DID YOU DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Had drinks with the guy I am seeing, then went for dinner at a diner, went home and had sex.
3) WHAT DID YOU GET ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Nothing, and I am still ribbing him for it.
4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARNATEED WEEPING MOVIE?
Never wept at a movie.
5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Dunno, will see when I really begin to age.
6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?
Sadly, committment and relationships. Though I am working through that now.
7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?
A nervous laugh and shuffling of feet.
8) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
Yes. A few here and there, but most are Canadians.
9) WHAT DO YOU CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES?
Lip balm, cash and blackberry.
10) WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT BEING A KID?
Care-free inhibitions and ease of thought. Being able to act like a kid without being looked at as though you shouldn't.
11) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO?
'Take Your Mama Out' by Scissor Sisters
12) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLAY?
Yes. Annie when I was in Grade 4. There was such a stink between the 3 girls who wanted to be Annie, that they had 3 Annie's. And no, I was not one of them.
13) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yes, I believe so.
14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?Yes, even more so as I grow older.
15) DO TRANSIENT, HOMELESS, OR STARVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES ANNOY YOU?
Yes. Though I will at times buy food, or gloves for some. I will never give cash, because I know where it goes, and I am not making a stereotype. I know first hand.
16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?
I play the piano, but would love to learn the guitar.
17) FAVORITE FABRIC?
Cotton. it's comforting.
18) WHAT'S ONE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO LEARN?
I suppose I ought to be more proficient at the languages I already speak (Mandarin, Hakka), but I would like to learn Spanish and re-learn French.
19) WHAT DO YOU ORDER AT A BAR?
Beer:Molson Dry, Sleemens, Keiths. Draught:Kilkenny or Keiths. Vodka Martini, or Gin/tonic, Rye/Coke.
20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?
Yes a couple here and there.
21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?
Yes, and a few more to come. I am still working on the designs, and agree that they are spiritually addictive.
22) DO YOU DRIVE A STICK?
No.
23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Well, lets make this about the same sex, and I will say, confidence and intelligence.
24) MOST FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE?
A cotton blend pajama bottom by American Essentials from Holt Renfrew that was more than 100 bucks.
25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?
Chinese Food, One pot wonders, roasts, BBQ, Pasta. I pretty much cook pretty well.
26) WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT DRESSSED LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Been there, done that.
27) WHAT'S ONE CAR YOU WILL NEVER BUY.
A Ladda
28) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Humour, Fiction, Queer Fiction, Anthologies, and politics.
29) IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Pay off my parents mortgage, my brothers mortgage, and my mortgage, then renovate.
30) DO YOU CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not generally, but I have and I love them for supporting me.
31) WHAT'S ONE THING YOU LIKE TO DO ALONE?
Is this a trick question? Umm, I like to write, play the piano, do yoga and stretch, or go for a walk to gather my thoughts.
32) ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?
A giver.
33) WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Sorry, that's too personal. But it was sometime ago.
34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY?
Quite a bit, unless I am tired. Otherwide, if its beer, a pitcher or so. Martinis do not get me sleepy or drunk, but get me social.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Fall On Your Knees - Or How To Sing A Hymm Of Praise at 3:00am EST
So, ah, have you heard the pope is sick. I really hope he gets well. He is the leader of today’s Catholic church. The man who defends his faith against all challenges to that faith. And to be totally honest I have a particular vested interest in the pending death. I don’t want it to happen. Ya see when a pope dies there is this renewed Catholic vigour that sweeps the world. Lapse Catholics return to their faith, new people join, and then we have to tolerate another prolonged agony of death for the archaic institution. But if the pope can stay alive for another ten years and get more and more decrepit so too shall the gothic tomb of spirituality. AND THEN when the next whiff of white smoke sails into gods nostrils announcing the inheritor’s arrival he will be too late for the kingdom, the power, and the glory has crumbled.
So I had a dream the other night and in the dream I was trapped in a Roman Catholic Church--indeed a true nightmare. I had left my studies for the priesthood in the early '90s after my cock started demanding too much attention and I realized I like my dates to be at least 19 years old. What made this dream even worse was the fact that I had stopped being a Christian some ten years ago. Just when I thought it could get no worse, I was told I was about to be baptized again. Before doing so the obligatory first confession was in order. Alas I found a way out of this darkness: "Bless me father for I have NOT sinned…."
I'm a slut, a tramp, a whore--the holy trinity of debauchery--all things we are afraid to admit that make us bad little boys and girls. Shhhhh! We can only do or talk about those things with the lights off, late at night, by ourselves. Shame! If I wanted to be a good little boy I'd grow up and marry the girl next door, move to the suburbs, get a mini-van, and pump out 2.5 children. I've participated in the spilling of enough bodily fluids to populate a small Pacific island. I've lost count of how many times I've stepped onto the dance floor. Hey, wake up! Every bump and grind was a movement of two (well sometimes more and sometimes less). They all freely chose to mambo. I make no excuses or explanations or apologies. Every person I've been with has felt like they got their monies worth and then some. Yeah okay there was the occasional fuck up--human error. That's the picture. Look--or turn away in disgust. But your judging gaze no longer scratches me. Well, if you're cute and know what you want--let's "talk".
I'm out of the back seat. No longer a passenger in someone else's divine car, staring blankly out the window, watching everyone living lives that I so desperately want for myself. I've leapt over the front seat and kicked out the idiot behind the wheel (realizing he looked a bit too much like me). Then I realized what a shitty car he had and went and got myself an Alfa Romeo; the SUV can wait until 50.
Life is too much of a wild ride not to be roaring down the road--mad as a hatter--convertible top down, screaming into the night air--shirt open--the rain beating its tribal rhythms on my chest. Yes I am alive. Now I will prove it. I am going to go and preach my message to the multitudes. "It is your turn! Don't be me or the guy next to you. Be you, but be the you that is lurking deep inside wanting to howl at the moon. Dance in the rain. Kiss in public. And turn around and tell the person queuing behind you that if they don't stop pushing you they will land on their ass. And to the moron in front, 'Does it really take that fucking long to figure out you want a double tall decaf latte with soy and hold the foam?'"
So Father, this is the last time you will get this "I fall on my knees" for you. You no longer have this boy offering up his ass. It's got better places to be offered. I don't want your slaughtered lamb--unless it comes well-done and with mint jelly and oh, those little sweet potatoes. My guilt is now on my terms.
But dear padres, don't look at this ending as a failure. Failure is when something ends and you have learned nothing. I've learned a lot. The biggest Sunday school lesson I've learned is that a message of love has been corrupted by old men in black (and no that ain’t Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith--though they may be suited to battle this earth grown evil) looking backwards clinging to a tradition of power to make serfs of us all.
I am now attending the church of the beast with two backs. There I gladly fall on my knees and sing hymns of joy in the sweat stained cathedrals as my heart pulses to the cacophony of house and techno. There the Holy Communion is placed on my tongue promising true union with my brothers and sisters. There we raise our hands in glorious praise for we know God is made in our image. And!! He is a DJ. Here endeth the nightmare. I cum in peace.
(This was a piece I had published last year but was on my mind of late. The first paragraph is new just for alyx. oh and thes last sentences are new too.)
So I had a dream the other night and in the dream I was trapped in a Roman Catholic Church--indeed a true nightmare. I had left my studies for the priesthood in the early '90s after my cock started demanding too much attention and I realized I like my dates to be at least 19 years old. What made this dream even worse was the fact that I had stopped being a Christian some ten years ago. Just when I thought it could get no worse, I was told I was about to be baptized again. Before doing so the obligatory first confession was in order. Alas I found a way out of this darkness: "Bless me father for I have NOT sinned…."
I'm a slut, a tramp, a whore--the holy trinity of debauchery--all things we are afraid to admit that make us bad little boys and girls. Shhhhh! We can only do or talk about those things with the lights off, late at night, by ourselves. Shame! If I wanted to be a good little boy I'd grow up and marry the girl next door, move to the suburbs, get a mini-van, and pump out 2.5 children. I've participated in the spilling of enough bodily fluids to populate a small Pacific island. I've lost count of how many times I've stepped onto the dance floor. Hey, wake up! Every bump and grind was a movement of two (well sometimes more and sometimes less). They all freely chose to mambo. I make no excuses or explanations or apologies. Every person I've been with has felt like they got their monies worth and then some. Yeah okay there was the occasional fuck up--human error. That's the picture. Look--or turn away in disgust. But your judging gaze no longer scratches me. Well, if you're cute and know what you want--let's "talk".
I'm out of the back seat. No longer a passenger in someone else's divine car, staring blankly out the window, watching everyone living lives that I so desperately want for myself. I've leapt over the front seat and kicked out the idiot behind the wheel (realizing he looked a bit too much like me). Then I realized what a shitty car he had and went and got myself an Alfa Romeo; the SUV can wait until 50.
Life is too much of a wild ride not to be roaring down the road--mad as a hatter--convertible top down, screaming into the night air--shirt open--the rain beating its tribal rhythms on my chest. Yes I am alive. Now I will prove it. I am going to go and preach my message to the multitudes. "It is your turn! Don't be me or the guy next to you. Be you, but be the you that is lurking deep inside wanting to howl at the moon. Dance in the rain. Kiss in public. And turn around and tell the person queuing behind you that if they don't stop pushing you they will land on their ass. And to the moron in front, 'Does it really take that fucking long to figure out you want a double tall decaf latte with soy and hold the foam?'"
So Father, this is the last time you will get this "I fall on my knees" for you. You no longer have this boy offering up his ass. It's got better places to be offered. I don't want your slaughtered lamb--unless it comes well-done and with mint jelly and oh, those little sweet potatoes. My guilt is now on my terms.
But dear padres, don't look at this ending as a failure. Failure is when something ends and you have learned nothing. I've learned a lot. The biggest Sunday school lesson I've learned is that a message of love has been corrupted by old men in black (and no that ain’t Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith--though they may be suited to battle this earth grown evil) looking backwards clinging to a tradition of power to make serfs of us all.
I am now attending the church of the beast with two backs. There I gladly fall on my knees and sing hymns of joy in the sweat stained cathedrals as my heart pulses to the cacophony of house and techno. There the Holy Communion is placed on my tongue promising true union with my brothers and sisters. There we raise our hands in glorious praise for we know God is made in our image. And!! He is a DJ. Here endeth the nightmare. I cum in peace.
(This was a piece I had published last year but was on my mind of late. The first paragraph is new just for alyx. oh and thes last sentences are new too.)
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Chicken Style Black Forest
SO it seems I found myself in the kitchen after smoking a little pot (quelle surprise!) and opened the fridge to see what gluttonous treasures lay within. Now I got (oh wait this an SM for those keeping count.) a sweet deal here. Ray is a nester and we are never for want in the house. Da boy keep a well stocked pantry ladies. All I do is I write him a cheque each month. And he isn’t a bad roomie. We have a unique companionship.
This may at first look like the utopian ideal I describe but alas there is a weak link. I don’t always like the choices or quantity/quality of things he may buy. I opened the deli tray and saw something that looked like chicken or maybe ham. I’m stoned who cares. I roll up a slice and my brain lays in anticipation to see what my taste buds tell: Is it chicken or is it ham? Then came the screwed up face.
What the fuck is "chicken style black forest" people? See it is even hard to say. That should portend or at least foreshadow the doom that lay ahead. OH and if that doesn’t say whoa Nelly then the next line says 15% meat protein. And all in the same font. AND not even dropped down a point or to the next line.
Chicken Style
Black Forest
15% Meat Protein
Is this flesh before me the sour and sweat spawned offspring of some bizarre mad scientist lab copulation between species experiment gone awry? You know how mixed babies are usually quite attractive as some aesthetics gene kicks in and takes over the selection process and only the unique genes commingle. (Aside: When I first saw Alex I thought he was mixed. Then I found out he was just unusually quite beautiful.) Where were we? Oh yeah the mad chicken ham beast. It did not get the best of the chicken and pig. Salty as hell - I got borderline hypertension.
I think they know how bad it tastes and add the salt thinking it will magically make it palatable. Yeah sure. Do you think they actually get a big bunch of chicken and ham and grind and mush them together and then shape it to a loaf? Gross.
Furthermore and maybe paramount where is any sense of decency? Man we raise the damned chickens and pigs in captivity and kill the damned chickens and pigs to eat the asses can’t we at least give it a little dignity in death and let it be its own food product. Hell I don’t mind. If I really want those two flavours together I’ll stack them.
This may at first look like the utopian ideal I describe but alas there is a weak link. I don’t always like the choices or quantity/quality of things he may buy. I opened the deli tray and saw something that looked like chicken or maybe ham. I’m stoned who cares. I roll up a slice and my brain lays in anticipation to see what my taste buds tell: Is it chicken or is it ham? Then came the screwed up face.
What the fuck is "chicken style black forest" people? See it is even hard to say. That should portend or at least foreshadow the doom that lay ahead. OH and if that doesn’t say whoa Nelly then the next line says 15% meat protein. And all in the same font. AND not even dropped down a point or to the next line.
Chicken Style
Black Forest
15% Meat Protein
Is this flesh before me the sour and sweat spawned offspring of some bizarre mad scientist lab copulation between species experiment gone awry? You know how mixed babies are usually quite attractive as some aesthetics gene kicks in and takes over the selection process and only the unique genes commingle. (Aside: When I first saw Alex I thought he was mixed. Then I found out he was just unusually quite beautiful.) Where were we? Oh yeah the mad chicken ham beast. It did not get the best of the chicken and pig. Salty as hell - I got borderline hypertension.
I think they know how bad it tastes and add the salt thinking it will magically make it palatable. Yeah sure. Do you think they actually get a big bunch of chicken and ham and grind and mush them together and then shape it to a loaf? Gross.
Furthermore and maybe paramount where is any sense of decency? Man we raise the damned chickens and pigs in captivity and kill the damned chickens and pigs to eat the asses can’t we at least give it a little dignity in death and let it be its own food product. Hell I don’t mind. If I really want those two flavours together I’ll stack them.
Where’s PETA when you need them.
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