Friday, July 8, 2005

I guess this is "love"...

Rib Breaker has been away since last Friday at a cottage with of all people, one of his Ex’es and some other dudes. He drove out to visit his mum in North Bay as well for a day, and then called me Sunday freaking out cause he realised he forgot to leave the spare keys for my mum when he left Friday morning. He thought the dog was stuck in the home. The goof. Anyhow, I miss him terribly and can't wait to see him this evening when he returns. We’ve become very much enmeshed in each others lives, but I also enjoyed my time away from him, to focus on friends and other aspects of my life. I am sure it is the same with him. The night I left for the cottage (last Thursday) we had dinner together, and parted with a kiss and grope at my door. We haven’t really been away from each other all that much since the beginning of the relationship, so we were all sappy. When he closed the door and I headed to the elevator, I decided to run back to my suite for just one more hug and kiss. Just as I was about to open it, he opened the door with the same intention, and we hugged. I love that about him. He has really opened up and been willing to show feelings which is a marked change.

A few weeks ago he and I chatted at some length about our relationship and where it was going. I told him that he needed to open up and communicate with me, as he tends to gravitate to being a quiet private person. I didn't expect the change in him when I set down these certain parameters to our relationship. He started talking about his childhood, his fears, future and why he couldn't say "I love you". It hurt to hear a lot of it, but in many ways it made me love him more, because he confided in me for the first time. During our chat he told me he has no one to talk to, and has never digressed any of his feelings and emotions before. I asked if he ever spoke or confided in friends and he said “No”. He certainly feels comfortable enough with me to cry, laugh and show emotions, so I am hoping that there will be something there to work on.

He quietly said to me in his sheepish way that he didn't understand how or why I hung around him, what with all the mistakes he makes. I replied that it was a choice on my part to work on things, and that I did love him. I have never said it before to anyone else with such conviction and trueness. In the past I would have been bored or tired of the situation and moved on to what I thought were bigger and better things. I realise now that my pattern of behaviour was to find fault in others so that I could push them away, before I was pushed away. It was definitely a defense mechanism I built that protected me from being hurt. It obviously was not a very healthy way to live, but I see that same pattern in RB at times, and we have spoken about it. He and I are of very different worlds, but so much more similar than we would like to let on. We both know how to push people away. Hurt and pain can do that to a person. We have taken a few breaks from one another to figure things out, but always seem to return, but the difference now, is we talk about it. I suppose these days, my new view on life has filtered out a lot of the bitter edge of skeptism that I can/could be loved. I hope the same for him. It seems he does realise this - as we lay on the couch 2 weeks ago, he in my arms, he turned to me and said “I’m beginning to realise and understand. I’m a bit slow and take time, if you are willing to wait.”

Oddly, I bumped into one of his ex’s on the street last night whom I get along well with. He confided that he was pleasantly surprised to see RB still with me, and thought it had something to do with my patience, forthrightedness and directness with RB. He did indicate that RB has never been the relationship type, but I guess I am in for the long haul and willing to see what happens. It is now approaching 9 months and we still have a lot of things to work out and learn about one another. I am not one to give up on people or life, and believe if anything, we will be part of each others lives for a long time, even if not as partners.

Note: I bought 2 tix to the Toronto Molson Indy for Sunday, as he is a car fanatic and once wanted to learn to be a race car driver. He doesn’t know I did this yet, but I thought it would be a nice pre-birthday gift for him. Will let you know what it’s all like after.

18 comments:

Jase said...

It seems both of you are growing, and that's a beautiful thing.

Aww.. Epi, I'm so proud of you!

daelyn said...

I SO know what you mean about pushing people away. I tend to do that because I've been pushed away, or relegated to a second choice so many times nowadays, usually when I really really like someone. Bleah.

And the elevator thing was a cute lil scene, almost a kodak moment. It's nice when couples get all psychic like that.

St. Dickeybird said...

It's nice to see two people with 'dysfunctional-relationship histories' happy together (much like my current situation).
And you do make a cute couple.

epicurist said...

Jase - we certainly are growing...and never expect to stop. That's the path to self discovery and peace.

Daelyn - it is so true isn't it? But I'm tired of pushing people away. The elevator thing was a cheesey hallmark moment! lol

dickey - Whatcha talkin about Willis? Who you calling dysfunctional? LOL

St. Dickeybird said...

I'm a kettle. You're a black pot.
:)

epicurist said...

LOL - gee thanks! ;P

St. Dickeybird said...

Okay, you can be the kettle if you like. I'm versatile.

daelyn said...

I have not had any terribly successful relationships (nor many things that could even qualify as a 'relationship'). Nor have I had a cheesy hallmark moment :D Well maybe one or two, but they would be more the Adult Section of the Hallmark store

Sister said...

Sounds like things are developing nicely between you to. I wish you all the best in the relationship. It's nice to be able to grow with someone emotionally and spiritually.

mikevil said...

Such a lovely and sensitive post my friend. Glad to know that things are moving along well. Soon it will be more than a year you have been together and you will wonder how you ever lived without him...trust me on this one.

myke said...

congratulations ... and that was really a nice thing to do for a pre-birthday gift. i'm sure it'll go over great.

mainja said...

this is the most exciting time in a relationship i find. that part where you are learning to open up to each other, to trust that person more than you've trusted anyone else. i mean, it's hell, it's terrifying, it's hard, but it's so rewarding.

thanks for letting us in for this.

Joel said...

What a tender, beautiful post. How wonderful to discover the arrows, fire and flowers, the winding night, the liturgy of love. Bless you both.

Ms Bees Knees said...

epi: Enjoy yourself sweetheart, this is what its all about.

paddalumpakins said...

Wow, how nice! It's really great when you can find someone who you really connect with and you both grow in the relationship.

epicurist said...

Dickey - lol, I am sure you are! I would be happy to be the kettle.

Daelyn - You and I likely have similar stories. By no means do I profess to know anything about relationships, but I relaise that patience is key. Never rush, and just enjoy the ride (pun intended).

Sister - Thanks! It really is nice to learn and figure things out.

Mainja - It's definitely a wonderful experience, and I am savouring it! :)

Mikevil - Thanks for the comment! I can't believe I have gotten to this point. Neither can he, but like I said, patience, patience, patience. :)

Joel - Thank you Joel!

Ms Bees Knees - The sex also helps! ;-p

Snafu - It is a wonderful experience! loving it all!

EssentialStephen said...

That is a very exciting time for you and I am glad how happy it makes you. I try to keep that aspect going in my relationship with Andy too. How was the Indy? Not my thing and it only angered me this weekend as it slowed down my trip to Oakville for a pool party - but I survived. he he he.

Coffee Dog said...

Aw, since I am just getting to know you, I wasn't aware that you had a bf. He is a lucky guy, and you speak of him so sweetly.