Love is vulnerability

It is day 6.

And I will be honest. I am not exactly the semblance of calm and emotional composure as I was during the first few days of our breakup. I am coming undone, so it feels. Seams bursting as I try to mend my torn emotions, pushing the stuffing back in.

The reality of it seems to grow stronger everyday, but I am coping by keeping myself busy. I know that I need to release, but now is not the time. So many things are looming and pending - work deadlines, family, health, life. There is no time to think about the hurt, no time to feel it. Yet, it is the only thing I can think of and feel. The ache swells even more when I get home and see the remnants of what belongs to him, still occupying my abode. He has not called me since Thursday night, when I told him that I respected his decision, despite the hurt and confusion, and that I still loved him. Words I have said before to him, only to bring silence on his part. I have called several times just to say hello and see if all is ok, but it seems he is not there.

Isn't it odd, that after all these years of emotional distance and building walls, that when I finally am mature and strong enough to express love, I am hurt again? The glass walls come up quicker, and the hurt is buried even deeper, but everyone can still see it. The very thing so many people strive for, and are told to show, has now apparently scared him off. Ironic isn't it? Alannis Morisette had it all wrong, it seems I can't even get to the wedding day to be rained upon, let alone hold a boyfriend. The part that hurts most is not truly knowing why.

History repeats itself so they say. As one of those who felt unloved and hurt as they grew up, I appreciate love in all its wonderful facets, but often cannot believe it will be mine. I can see it. I know it exists, and I can give it. But I don't know how to accept it, even when it is directly in front of me. I admit that I hate exposing myself, despite my recent attempts at letting my guard down. I am still an intensely private person when it comes to emotions and I know that it is a reflection of my soul trying to protect itself from more damage. But I also realise that for my soul to learn and heal, it also needs to accept and open the doors for change. My good friend and colleague JW, once said to me that,

...if you don't go into love 100% there is no point, because you are not putting all your effort into it. You are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

I thought it was a changing moment for me, even though it went against so much of what I used to believe. So, I am in a predicament. I am torn between allowing myself to feel, and the fear of what that may bring. Open the floodgates and one will never know. Beware he who walks that path. But, I guess this what it takes to learn and be in a relationship. I wrote in a previous blog that;

...I can only be a fully committed, participating husband or partner if I am truly honest and happy myself.

It seems I am getting there, but maybe RB isn't, and I DO have to respect that, no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts a lot.

P.S. Thanks to everyone for your emails, comments and kind words. They have helped and I am most grateful.