Friday, August 12, 2005

Childhood Lessons

My mum and dad were those typical Chinese parents that believed their kids needed to be perfect and excel in everything. To reach this lofty goal they enlisted us in piano, swimming and various other things, including Mandarin Chinese classes on Saturday mornings.

This of course was the cruelest thing you could do to a kid.

A Saturday was meant to be spent playing and enjoying life. Instead we were sent to a public school full of Westernized Chinese Canadian kids who according to their parents were pathetic ambassadors to our country and language. We were there to learn our heritage and language, but like the rest of the kids, I was daydreaming of cartoons, cereal and my bike.

In our family, if we weren't in Chinese school, we were woken early on Saturday morning to start cleaning. It was another obsessive compulsive ritual my mother had, that is still ingrained in me now. We would get up, eat, then start to vacuum, mop, clean the bathrooms, dust, polish the wood, then polish the silver, cut the grass, and any other chore that my parents thought they could torture us with.

We hated every minute of it, and whenever we told them that the other kids never had to do things like this, they would say, "You want to be like them? All dirty and living in dusty mouldy houses? Then go!"

Of course we wouldn't. It was a trick of theirs.

If we turned our backs and tried to walk out of the door, they would say " Fine, I guess you do not care how hard your mother and father work to put food on the table. All we wanted was a little help, but instead our children want to leave and play and make us do all the work".

It was like living with Jewish guilt. We were household slaves with benefits, and my parents were the warlords who ruled this little kingdom with an guilt trips.

As I got older, I began to delve into my inner deviousness. I would dread the idea of having to go to Chinese classes on Saturdays, so I found out where the electrical panel was and in the middle of the night, when everyone was asleep, I would tiptoe across the house, open the panel and switch off the main power supply, wait a few minutes, then turn it back on. This of course would screw up all the digital alarm clocks in the house. If that didn't work, I would sneak into my parents room and change their alarm to go off at 11:00am instead of 7:30am.

The plan worked. I thought I was being brilliant, until they decided to stick a battery in the alarm clock as a backup power supply.
I obviously got this trickery gene from them and soon realised that my deviousness and intelligence was no match for theirs.

When we were stuck at home to clean, I would sometimes turn the vaccum on and leave it there. I would then drag my feet along the carpet creating the illusion that our Filter Queen had cleaned that room or hallway. It worked for a while, but mum caught on when she noticed my hair was sticking up on end from the static. She'd walk up behind me and touch me, giving me a shock that would run down my spine and out my anus. And as punishment, she gave me the extra duty of laundry and cleaning out the cupboards. I learned my lesson stopped cutting corners, and soon began to take pride in the gleaming floors and the satisfying vacuum patterns on the carpet.

I was becoming a good tidy child. I was becoming disciplined and responsible. I was also becoming my mother.

There was no better example then when my friends came over and walked in with their shoes. "Oh my God!" I'd say, "What are you, stupid? I just spent 2 hours cleaning these floors. You're not a pig so stop acting like one." It didn't occur to me, how big a nelly I sounded, and years later I still do the same thing.

Primping, cleaning, tidying. It was my mothers' trademark. And now, it's mine. Back then it was called being thorough and clean. Nowadays, they call it OCD.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I swear we are related somehow. We spent Saturday cleaning too. We weren't allowed out to play until all the cleaning was done. My dad made us reload the dishes or refold the towels if we didn't do it the way he liked it done.

congeewoo said...

chinese school on saturdays and chores...same formula, except, my mom would give me a big list of chores to do while she went to play mahjong or day trips with her friends..
no matter how good other mothers (her friends) think i am, my mom always manage to find something wrong with me. and the guilt, oh the guilt....
quotes:
1. when i was your age, i was married and had a house, what so important about your summer job
2. what? u think money fell from the sky? i worked for it, blood and sweat!
3. if the other kids jump off buildings, you`re gonna do it?!
4. you are so ungrateful, why can't you be more like so and so's kid?

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha again I get the enjoyment of visualizing epi as a cute lil kid with big teeth and spikey staticized hair, scrubbing his finger's to the bone. You're probably better trained than me, even though our family had the scottish version of emotional blackmail...you wanna come up here and organize my house!?

myke said...

it seems to be an inevitable part of life that some of us grow up to be our parents ...

mainja said...

when you're done at daelyn's wanna come over here? ;)

CoffeeDog said...

Wanna come over and clean?

Jess said...

I tend to think that we're born gay, but something you wrote has me wondering...

That shock that went out your anus--did you like it? Was that the moment when you said to yourself, "when I grow up, I want to see what else I can do with my anus!"? ;)

Joshua Kreig said...

don Miguel Ruiz in his book "The Four Agreements" talks about domestication. From the moment we are born the process of our domestication begins. We are all trained. Good dog! Here's a pat on the head and a cookie. Bad dog! Smack and a nose rubbing.

On one level this is good as it aids in our integration into the human community. The bad is like the proverbial giant snowball rolling down a hill. Some real crap can get picked up along the way.

Adulthood for me has been the process of keeping the good and discarding the bad. An example: one of the most heard phrases from my father, "Get up in your fucking room and study. When you graduate high school then you can do what you want." These words were never uttered kindly and always accompanied with a belt of leather or a belt of the back of a hand. The "do what you want" was not the inspirational "be all you can be" but meant that only then I can live outside his domestication. The most heard phrase was, "While yer under my fucking roof you will follow my rules." I hated him for it. And still do.

But the seeds of my learning are to be found there. It's just how they were planted that sucked. As a teacher I have stepped outside that domestication by being much more gentle in how I challenge people to learn. But domestication is a hard thing to get perspective on. And the scars run deep. If they didn't run deep and have a lot of pain still attached I would not be telling this tale. For me the bath water might be pretty dirty and need a good distant chuck but there is a baby in there worth keeping. It is what I do with that baby that decides whether the domestication has done irreparable damage. I am fanatical about learning. But how I try to get others fanatical is not so fanatical as my father.

EPI you are beautiful.

"I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think." - Socrates

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." - William Arthur Ward

"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary." - Thomas
Carruthers

EssentialStephen said...

I swear, it's not a Chinese thing...my parents were so the same and they are Hungarian...surprised we all surivived! he he he

epicurist said...

Sister - To make this even more amusing, half my family have old Jewish biblical names, like Rachel, Enoch, Eliah, Rebecca...

Bugg - lol, my dad is pretty regimental that way as well. I blame it on his military training.

Spoony - lol - that is too funny. My mum doesn't have a Chinese accent, but you should hear my dad "You know mother and father we are old now, and don't have so much time before we die. Never see you now. You should call before we die."

Daeyln - funny thing is that I love to clean and find it therapeutic now. I can work and clean and think.

Myke - scary thought, but I agree with you, reluctantly.

Mainja - Maybe I should start a business.

Ethan - a few good ones, and a few bad ones too! ;)

Coffee - I think I will start a business!!

Jess - Honey, I was working on that part of my body long before the shock. I was a rather precocious child when it came to such things.

Stonedbunny - I have forgiven my parents for those past issues, as much as they have forgiven me for things I have done to them. They were brought up in a different time, and I am sure it was done in the only way they knew how. That is waht uniterrupted unconditional love is. It is love, despite all the hardships and trials we have been through. It is also the hardest thing to do in the world.

Essential - I guess all parents are the same in many ways aren't they? lol

jadedmonkey said...

Procreation is nature's way of providing adults with their own little band of helper elves. (slaves) ...hehehe... :P

As for Saturday morning Chinese school, I would have enjoyed it more had I not been a 13 year old stuck in a class of 8 year olds due to my elementary level of Chinese;and that silly Mrs. Chow whom I giggled at whenever she would say, "well, just TRY to understand..."

Anonymous said...

Oh Epi!!! You were robbed! If I ever get my ass up there, we're going to watch cartoons on saturday wrapped in blankets and we'll eat nasty sweet cereal and we won't do anything all day long! It'll be fucking brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Epi's naked butler service!!! WooHoo!

epicurist said...

Jaded - I also was in a mixed group of kids...I felt like the Chinese version of a TMR ESL class.

Bees- Lets get high on sugar and tv. That would be brilliant!

Daeyln - 'nekkid" service? No one would want to pay for that....trust me! lol

Joshua Kreig said...

Unconditional love is a load of crap. Love should come with conditions. I will love anyone on one condition. Respect. I will love anyone on one condition. Kindness.

If I do not feel respected or treated with kindness then there is no condition under which love is deserved. Filial Piety is a very strong value in which one is a subject of another by right of birth. Another crap value. Often children are seen as chattel. We have been brainwashed into thinking we owe respect by birthright. Respect is given by right action not right or left testicle.

I understand my father. I also grieve for him. His father was an awful man. His mother died when he was a young boy. He was forced to work as a teenager and did not get an education. I can understand all that but I do not have to respect him just because he donated sperm.

He did not rise above his nurturing. And almost took me and seven other children down with him. I forgave him not but not for him but for me so I can move on from it.

These fortune cookie values need to be chucked. Damn you Confucius!

Quotes about parents:

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
-- Billy Connolly

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson

epicurist said...

Bunny, I do see your point. It is true that respect is earned and kept with those who in turn pay the same respect to you. However, I have also realised that without unconditional love (forgiveness), life can become bitter and hard. This of course is a personal view and I don't expect people to swallow it, but I am reminded of my coming out 17 years ago to my parents and friends and the fact that they still love and care for me despite not fully understanding it.
Yes, my fathers' distance and abuse when I was a child was atrocious, but there are a lot of psychological issues and hurt that he was channelling, and for him to learn how to love again, I had to show him, that I too would always love him despite the pain I went through.

Joshua Kreig said...

For me it is about effort. And it seems as you age you and your parents are reaching a common ground. Most excellent. I am glad your father has learned from life as we all have. Your parents are making the effort. In there own way they are working on the relationship. Maybe slow but at least as the years go by you can perceive some movement.

Sadly some of us have parents who do not know how to make the effort and have never seemed to learn from the misfortunes of life and continue to respond with bitterness, anger, and violence. And seeing as I forgave him for my own sanity I guess I unconditionally love myself.

I take some solace in Robert Fulghum's words in his book From Beginning to End: the Rituals of Our Lives. A book every gay man should read. Especially if he is to build a life long relationship with someone. Yes the same guy who wrote All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. In Rituals he mentions that he and his father never reconciled before his fathers death. But he had made peace with it.

My father is not dead but I see the same end. I use to tell people that I will hate my father for the rest of his life and then spend the rest of mine hating myself. That is no longer true. I have made piece with it.

Making peace with it does not mean I have to not show anger when the topic comes up. It is a pain that will always be there. It is like losing a limb. You can make peace with it but the pain will remain. The reality is that sometimes relationships breakdown and are beyond repair. It is funny that we can accept that reality with regard to lovers and friends and colleagues but never with family.

The true test is whether or not the shit cycle gets broken. You are right on schedule and your parents are joining you. That is special. You are doing a good job. It is our generation that turns the tide. And sadly some parents cannot come along.

There will always be a longing in mine and my sister Judith's heart for that parent warmth. But we know that warmth will be found in each other and in the healthy relationships we form.

But all the confusion, anger, pain associated with family will always be there. As I believe it should. That pain has created some great art. That I suppose is the redeeming gift. As long as the anger does not contaminate other relationships I am happy. I would say for my sister and I the pain of family has made our other relationships so much stronger. We know how much effort it takes. The effort has to be mutual based on respect and kindness.

Snooze said...

Epi, my mum waited on me hand and foot and although I am extremely affectionate, I am a disastrous mess. I probably could have done with Saturday morning cleaning rituals.

Pheebs said...

I just posted a lovely comment and it didn't work! :(

Since I don't have the patience to recreate it in its entirety, here it is in summary:

-Your memories of childhood sound like you reached into my own childhood and described my experiences for yourself! I, too, was forced into the saturday chinese classes and piano playing...along with violin...gymnastics...modelling school, blah blah balhabalhaanhla!

-I was not as smart as you, as it didn't even occur to me to flip off the power breakers...so I paid for that stupidity, sitting in those classes, weekend after weekend, year after year...

-my mom always used to tell me that I'd thank her later into forcing me to do those things...and I used to laugh at her...but now I regret not having a better grasp of the Chinese language...or piano playing skills-
-why must they ALWAYS be right?!?!?!

epicurist said...

Snooze - LOL - That must have been wonderful to have that 'white glove' service...hee hee

Pheebs - They are always right. We just have to resign to that fact, or they will just use guilt to twist us into submission. By the way, welcome and thanks for posting!