While were on the discussion of family...
My grandfather, whom I have written about previously was one of those men I always was wary of. His mannerisms and personality were dependent upon the company he kept, and I found him to be insincere and rather disingenious. I know those are harsh words, but just because you are blood, doesn't mean you have to love someone. My grandfather was a man with 2 different personalities clearly separated by the public and the private image, and this made me very uncomfortable.
Out in public he was a kind and serene, well-respected and well-known Evangelical Reverend who hob knobbed with the likes of Billy Graham and other Christian fundamentalists. At home, it was a completely different story. His temper, impatient and demanding nature were volatile to say the least and I was often the brunt of it. The fact that he was also incredibly hard of hearing meant he would end up screaming at you, no matter what the situation. In addition to these lovable traits, he also drank several pots of coffee a day, with heaping spoonfuls of sugar (4 Tbsps to be exact) in each cup. In otherwords, he was continuously wired and would often wake me with a start at 2-3am on a school night, to tell me to fix his VCR or turn on the television. With lights glaring in my eyes, he would start to spit and drool all over me as he tried to speak without his dentures.
No dentures + 2 pots of coffee + sugar + deafness + impatience = Downright Crazy
God, those dentures still give me the heebie jeebies.
The nightmares also stem from his nightly routine of using my toothbrush to scrub his dentures and then wiping them on my towel and placing them in my cup in the washroom. Why he did this I have no idea. I simply began to hide all my stuff in my own room. If he needed to brush his dentures now, he could use the toilet brush for all I cared. You can't imagine what it was like, finding bits of meat and food on my towel and tooth brush.
I think the most "memorable" experience was the afternoon I returned home with 3 of my best friends in tow. These were all old highschool buddies whom I still keep in touch with to this day. Life Over Easy had driven us to my place and we had planned on chilling out and listening to music. As I entered the foyer with my friends, I could hear that my grandfather was home. His bedroom TV was blaring and there was a very loud and disturbing sound echoing through the foyer.
Ooooooooooo, aaahhhhhhhhhh!
MMMMMMmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhhh,
nggggghhhhhh, uh huuuh, oh yeah! Oh Yeah! Baby! Oh god! Oh GOD! Oh GOD! OH GOOOODDDDD!!!!!
Oh God indeed! The dirty bugger was watching porn again. I grabbed my bewildered friends and pushed them into the Family Room and turned on the radio to drown out the echoes of several females in the throes of orgasmic release. I ran upstairs and began knocking on his door.
No answer.
I knocked harder.
No answer.
I had no choice but to open the door and do something about the situation. What I witnessed, I would never force even upon my worst enemy. It was as though I had seen that video tape in The Ring and my life changed forever. I remember telling my mum & dad and ratting the old man out that evening, and forcing them to deal with the situation. In Chinese culture, a son (grandson) always puts family first and will be the filial dutiful son even when they don't want to be. Respect comes before anything, and with my grandfather I was losing it. He preached about the decrepid state of morality in society and spoke against all sorts of so-called "immoral" acts, and on the side he was watching Debbie Does Dallas.
It was at this very instant that I began to see the hypocrisy in peoples' lives and the way that the world really revolved. Growing up as a teen is difficult as it is. Adding all the complexities of being gay, with a low self esteem and general confusion fueled my anger that religion could have such a strong grip on dictating what morals should be put out there, when they were often the perpetrators of such heinous and dishonest crimes like paedophaelia and ministries for profit (prophet?) like Benny Hinn (not to be confused with Benny Hill).
Whether this was misdirected teenage angst or not, I am thankful to my grandfather even if the actual lesson were not his intention or a direct result of him having taught me.
14 comments:
"Family" does not always mean love and happiness....and we are forced to put up with more from family members than strangers or even friends. It would seem the adults would watch out more for the kids in the family, they obviously don't in a lot of cases because there is so much incest. It seems for some it is easier to ignore it than deal with it. I am pretty lucky we my family didn't have anyone that was very difficult to deal with. When my cousin came out of the closet, some of the older realitives were a little shocked and not quite sure how to react, so they said stupid things, but they were just uncomfortable. Thanklfully, once they got over the initial surprise, everything was just like it was, normal.
I do have to laugh though at your Grampa using your toothbrush..what is with old people doing that?? My gramma used to use my towel to wipe up the sink and floor, so I too kept my stuff in my room. She then used my dad's stuff and he got really mad and yelled at her. After she left (she spent time with us several months at a time) he yelled at me and said I was touching his towel. I wasn't, I am guessing a friend washed their hands or something and used his towel. He said he knew someone used it because he would line it up with the stripes in the wallpaper, so he knew if it got moved. Crazy, isn't it??
Family can be just as messy a situation as anything else in life, my dear...Though exposing the hypocrisy of my elder relatives was something I relished in, and this was of a very obvious Western European cultural upbringing. My father whom I have written about was one of my favourites to rat out as I got older. The joy it brought me inside was timeless.
Oh Epi, just reading your description of walking in on your grandfather is going to give me nightmares. And the toothbrush/towel episode should land you on the Montel Williams show. I love the importance of respect for family in the Chinese culture, but there are times when respect just isn't warranted.
Ick ... I shuddered at the image conjured up of your granddad using your toothbrush, cup, etc. Ew ...
It's funny because that whole hypocrisy/public image thing was prevalent in my family, too. Good for you for being able to break the cycle and see past it all.
I'm confused. Are you trying to apologize for ratting him out to your parents? I was laughing and laughing by the way, but then at the end there, it seems like there's some guilt about the misdirected teenage angst. C'mon you were a gay teenager with shit going on in the family, you did the best you could. Sticking with the thankfulness is good.
Raven - I'm just wondering if I am going to go all crazy like that when I get older.
Christopher - I still remember that night when I told my parents - I can really be a vengeful bugger. ;-p
Snooze - I agree about the respect. I think Maury Povich would be more appropriate.
EarthMother - I think all our families experience similar stuff. It's just so much more traumatic/funny when its your own.
Russ - Uggh, lets get drunk and forget it.
tornwordo - Good god, NO NO NO guilt. Can you imagine what type of guilt I would have after posting what happened? Just good stories and ammo.
Just thinking about him gives me the heebs and I haven't met him!
Ugggh you said the Family word! Truth be told I love my family even though they are so dysfunctional its not even funny. A Family gathering to some normal family groups means everyone together eating dinner as a group. Not several small groups in each room where they all talk negatively about each other.
As the out of the closet issue. My Uncle has come out of the closet. He actually came out several years ago but yet my grandma still can't accept it. She keeps telling me that he has suck lovely lady friends but they have different sexual preferences than he does. If you try to explain to her their lifestyle or her son's lifestyle she gets very upset. So My uncle lives his life mostly in secret. But to the rest of the family we have all accepted him with open arms!
We just come from a different day and age than our grandparents. Their ways of life and beliefs differ so much from our own that sometimes it can be a love hate relationship.
Coffee - Think C. Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons
Catshark - I guess the one thing I keep reminding myself, is that he is of a different generation and belief system as you said.
Dickey - remind me to smack you as hard as possible the next time I see you. ugghhh...
sister - LOL! Yes.
I learned a few lessons like that from family. I am so glad I picked a different direction with life.
Greg - the path of sarcasm and acerbic criticism is one filled with many pleasures, isn't it? hee hee
you? sarcastic!? no! ::grin:: ok, that bit about the old man leaving pieces of meat and shit in your toothbrush just about pushed me over the edge... ::shudder::
Bees hun, There was no shit in my toothbrush. Lets be clear about that! ;-p
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