As mentioned this past Sunday I was helping RB move a mattress. It belonged to a friend of his, whose father had passed and it was the spare guest mattress (not his fathers). They were getting rid of the contents and offered it to RB, so we headed over to the family home just West of Bathurst near St. Clair, otherwise known as beautiful Forest Hill. The area around Bathurst is predominantly a Jewish area, as the Jewish Synagogues and schools and shops are all close by. It's a tight knit community, which I am not unfamiliar with as I lived at Bathurst and Steeles for 10 years when I was younger and loved the area and the people. However, that Sunday morning I got the sneaking suspicion that I was not welcome. Maybe I am being a little too sensitive or maybe it was my imagination, but I have a bit of experience when it comes to racism and stereotypes (on the receiving end) and what it feels like to be in a minority group (several minority groups at that).
When we arrived at the home, we sat and waited for the mover to come. We were not dressed in suits or dress shirts, but we were also not in rags. As we sat there, neighbours walked by the home and stood looking at us as they walked their dogs or played with their kids. Both RB and I looked at each other each time wondering if theer was food on our faces or if we looked odd. Four separate times, neighbours came and asked us if we worked there or were we purchasing the home. In one occassion the lady across the street drove into her driveway and came over to me to complain about the car parked in front of her home. The dialogue went as follows:
Her (gesticulating and beckoning me to come across the street - which I did not) As she gets within ear shot she begins speaking very slowly: Do you speak English?
Me (bewildered): Ummm, Yes.
Her (haughtily): Oh...Well, would you please tell your boss that we do not appreciate the car parked out front of our home, when they have a perfectly good driveway to park in? My kids can't park their carsthere when the car is there.
Me: My boss?
Her: Yes. Yoooouuur Boss...you know the owner of the home?
Me (getting red in the face): Listen lady, I am not some Filipina maid or gardener if that is what you are getting at. This is not my home, nor is the dead owner my boss. I am sorry that the car is parked in front of your home, but from what I can see, the sign says Parking with no time limits. Oh, what are you surprised that I can read as well?
Her: Oh, well I just thought, that, well, you know...
Me: Actually, sadly I do know what you thought and it was wrong, incredibly rude and uninsightful of you.
Her (taken aback): Excuse me?
Me: Actually, I don't think I will. You haven't quite apologised as yet, so why should I give you the comfort that our exchange was okay?
Her: Well, it's not like I would know who you were!
Me: That's fine, but why assume I was an employee?
Her(turning red): Well honestly I don't know. Your obviously not from around here, so....(stopping, and getting redder)
Me (angrily): Not from around here? or not belonging around here? Honey, let me give you a little lessen on stereotypes and racism, something that you should only be all too familiar with. Just because I am some Goy who doesn't fit into your little secular world does not mean that I don't belong or am not welcome. Your pissing me off now and I have to help my friend, but it would be nice to get an apology from you.
Her (redder in the face): An apology? For what? It's not like I intended it.
Me (laughing incredulously): One doesn't need to have intention to hurt someone, but one needs to realise the law of unintended consequences. Besides, if I have to explain any further then I must be the idiot here, because I thought you would have had a little more intelligence than that...(Turned and left, not looking back).
RB was a bit taken aback by the whole thing and said that she just stood there with her LV purse dangling on her arm, wondering what to say, until she just turned around and went home. He says she looked at him and kinda said sorry but he wasn't sure.
Was I wrong here? I don't think I was.
11 comments:
Bravo! No, you were NOT wrong!
In the words of philosopher Edmund Burke, "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for enough good men to do nothing." I believe we need to be courageous enough to speak out with intelligence and grace each time we hear words which belittle our humanity. I believe the universe is holographic, which means the whole is present in every piece. Love too must announce its intentions to the world, with all the passion born of a compassionate heart. I am sure that you, at the very least, gave that lady pause for reflection. Hopefully next time she comes across people who are out of her narrow scope of experience, she will be less judgmental.
I'm very proud of you!
:)
I so agree with Joel [and with Dickey and Coffeedog]. I think you probably did make her reflect on her behaviour. My only worry [not to do with you] is that she somehow thinks this is an acceptable way to talk to 'the help'. I mean what if you really had been someone's filipino gardener? Don't you have the right to park in a parking zone?
Joel - I wholeheartedly agree. I can handle the occassional stereotype, kindly pointing out the fault in the biew or perception, but I do not want to have to teach the stupid and unwilling.
St Dickey - I'm kinda proud that I stood up to it as well.
Coffee - My sentiment exactly. I think she got it though...well, I hope she did.
snooze - that crossed my mind, but it was firing off so many other things that I forot to mention it. I mean honestly, who talks in such condescending tones to other people?
Knotty - You have no idea how ghettofab I was! I almost took my earrings and wig off and had it out with her right on the street - Lee press-on nails and all! lol ;-p
Sister - Point taken. I would not have mentioned it if I was not sure, but I did notice her wearing the symbolic Hamesh symbol as a necklace, and a Chai symbol ring on her hand. My point was that she should not have spoken to me in any fashion other than with respect and courtesy be she be rich or not, or whether I was or was not an employee. The point I was trying to drive, was that as a Jew she should be aware of ANY type of oppressive remarks or actions, as has historically happened with her own culture, race and religion (the same applies to all of us I suppose). History DOES in fact repeat itself, and it was my right and my duty to respond to that. If there was any argument as to her religious faith and ethnicity, she would have commented on my goyish remark. And besides, i wasn't going to run over to see if she had a mezzuzah on her door - now that would have been odd. But thanks for your point, as it may well have been some of the neighbours wondering who we were as a safety issue.
Epi - just to clarify. I thought your response was brilliant. You did everything. I just was wondering why people are that psycho to begin with.
Often people think Toronto is a little multi-cultural diverse Utopia. Oh the naiveté.
But Canadians are if anything socially polite and curiously cautious and it is this characteristic that limits the anti-social behaviour we often see in other areas of the world.
We are not a multi-cultural Utopia. Though I am always amazed at how little problems we have. Toronto is a very peaceful place.
But the problems we do have are the sins of omission. The hidden racism that causes the experience Epi had. It is the avoidances based on fears. It is the casual comments and references.
But we all have a fear of the other. It seems if anything Epi encountered ignorance on a systemic level. Ignorance is defined simply as "lacking in knowledge." Blame can only be placed when there was intent.
I recently saw the movie Crash and feel it showed racism and stereotyping that is in all of us. I think it is important for us all to see that we all possess those characteristics.
Hell let me quit the rhetoric. I HAVE THOSE ATTITUDES IN ME. Luckily I find that my logic, passion, and care for life wins out over those attitudes. But when I am walking down Yonge Street south of Gerrard on a Saturday night I find it difficult not to be a little nervous. Is that internalized racism or common sense?
I remember my Canadian Born Chinese ex-partner telling me about the time his parents sat his sister down and gave her the list of people she could marry. #1 Chinese, #2 White, NEVER could she marry Japanese because her father spent time in a Japanese concentration camp. AND NEVER could she marry a black man.
I remember my father using the word NIGGER (yes you read right I said it) and to my knowledge there were no black people he encountered in Newfoundland. I went to a catholic boys high school of 500. There was one person of colour, a Nigerian. So I guess my fathers attitudes were passed on through ignorance not because he was assaulted in Harlem.
I think we need to keep the dialogue going. We have to keep talking to our friends and colleagues when we encounter these things. IT STARTS WITH US. This is our city. We are the ones to create it as we see it should be.
I would probably have reacted the same as EPI and I thing he did the right thing. Hopefully the Forest Hill lady will be able to look past the confrontational anger and question her own attitudes.
But the moment we start attacking her in blogs (someone we know nothing about) we are profiling her based on stereotypes. We have no idea what caused her ignorance. And I know plenty of nice rich people. We have to address the situations not the person. If she was a malicious Cruella DeVille then yes we can attack the person and bitch slap her into the middle of next week.
One of the largest stumbling blocks for our city is we have so many cultures that have histories of violence based on race and religion and culture that we interact with each other in the shadows of those histories.
Also I feel a need to comment on the nature of debate. This type of debate happens at a very high level of sophistication. There is a level of education and experience required to be able to understand these issues and act proactively as opposed to reactionary. I hope these issue are discussed openly in our school systems. Maybe Crash should be required viewing to spark the debate in our education systems.
The other thing we have to appreciate is that we are light years ahead of our history but still have a fair distance to go. We are at an exciting time in history in a country where this kind of debate is welcomed and not shunned.
There are no easy answers but there are right actions.
oh hell no! you were not wrong...
i can't believe this woman's nerve! i'm chinese, one time i went to my jewish friend's home for a backyard barbeque, there was a little girl (maybe 3 years old) there, as i walked into the backyard, she looked up at me and asked, "are you the maid?" she was sooooo lucky that she was little, cuz if she was 6 or older, i would have told her that, "no, i am not the maid, and in case your parents didn't teach you better, just because i'm an asian in the home of a jewish family, it doesn't automatically make me the maid. and where are your parents, i need to have a talk with them now." I am so glad you spoke up, bravo!!
it would be nice if everyone took into account the actions of the past before passing judgement on someone else, but in truth, i don't think people think about it. i don't think people thing 'oh, i (my people/ my ancestors) was/were oppressed, i need to be especially open minded. seriously, some of the the most intense bigottedness that i've seen has come from "marginalized groups".
really, religion and stuff has nothing to do with this. she was just a jerk. and you should have told her off, and you did, so good on ya!
oh my, that was an interesting blog discussion. This is the reason why I love blogging. Unfortunately there are many people out there who cannot have these didactic spars without taking it too personally.
I will likely follow-up with another blog.
thanks all!
OMG! I love this post! I love what you said! I love you!
..wait.
I definitely don't think you crossed over the line here.. in the future, I hope I have the courage to do what you just did.. in fact, I'm going to commit that 'exchange' to memory now!
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