An archaelogical expedition into long lost treasures of the Soul

I have never been one to cry during movies or at weddings. It was always very foreign to me and I often got nicknamed the Ice Queen for my lack of emotional display. Crying and open displays of vulnerability were not emotional wells that I dug into often, believing them to be irrational and weak. I tried at times to find that melancholic feeling that would make me cry, but it always seemed so artificial and I often wondered why it was that I could not feel, or more aptly, why I would not allow myself to feel.

After a lot of introspection and years of intensive self therapy, I have realised a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and having been raised in a family where I was my own source of solace and comfort. My parents raised me as best they could and to the best of their knowledge. There were no child-rearing handbooks at that time and some of the techniques of discipline which they dispensed would nowadays be looked upon with disdain. Some would have called it abuse. My father, who was the primary disciplinarian was thorough and very quick to anger. I certainly don't blame him for it, and have forgiven him for all and any trespasses. He was raised the same way, and he has come a long way in being a more fatherly figure. I love my parents deeply, but the emotional scars still run deep and it is a journey on my part to rid myself of the damage and pain that still resides in me. I am working towards that goal, and part of the journey is realising that I still associate feeling and emotional availability to vulnerability and to a difficult past. Over the years and over time, you build up a protective wall, and unchecked, that wall becomes menacing and prevents you from getting inside yourself. I have also realised that the pain and sorrow that we keep in ourselves become insidious and malignant, seeping into different aspects of your life without you even realising it. Like a cancer, it overtakes you and soon you lose site of the good and beautiful things that exist around you.

So on Friday, after an evening hanging-out with friends I went home and spent time with Rib Breaker. There was nothing unique or different about that evening, but suddenly I became acutely aware of my surroundings and where I was in my life. My personal history, my childhood, my hiv status and my future all loomed over me and it was overwhelming and I experienced a panic attack. I became dizzy and nauseous. My heart was racing and my breathing was laboured and I began to feel waves of emotions that I had never felt before. Rib Breaker took hold of me and held me tight, helping me breathe and telling me to relax and to let things go. He responded with such kindness and compassion, and suddenly the floodgates opened and I began to feel things that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I began to cry.

But it was no ordinary cry, for it was no ordinary moment.

The years of untouched emotional sediment began to come undone and the emotional sludge began to loosen. So much pain. So much hurt. So much unacknowledged emotional baggage began to release itself. The pain coursed through my body and I responded viscerally. My Soul began to weep and sob and I remember sobbing and screaming that it "hurts so much", and Rib breaker still stayed close telling me to "Let it Go". I released with such ferocity that my body convulsed and every ounce of energy that I had put into keeping that wall up, was let go.

Twenty or thirty minutes later the sobbing stopped and quiet fell in my exhaustion. I could barely move and the weight of my body pulled me into a deep sleep. Realising that a large part of that emotional barrier had been removed, was profoundly intimate and calming. When I woke the following morning, I felt different. There was a new sense of understanding in the knowledge that I HAD acknowledged my past and present and that there was a future for me. For many years I was always aware of myself, but rarely did I ever Acknowledge myself.

Without sounding like a new-age nut, I feel different. Things are even brighter than they were and the sensation and touch of my new found spirit is exciting. I can't describe it intelligibly, but I suppose it can be likened to an archaelogical expedition, where you are in search of a long lost treasure. I have found that well of emotion that I have hidden for so long and am now beginning to make peace with it.