Friday, January 30, 2004

A pain in my ass

As some of you may know, I have been shuffling around with a limp for the last 6 months due to sciatica in my right leg. This whole thing has been a fucking pain in the ass and leg, and I am close to my wits end about it.

Part of the whole recovery process was to go see a Physiotherapist which I started then stopped before the third session. It's not that I didn't want to be healed, but the Physiotherapist was a quack. The others in the office were no better. No offense to the practice or to the therapist but they were.

The first day I walked into the clinic, I knew something was odd. The receptionist was in some conniption about a funeral she had to organise and attend the following day for some person she didn't know.

I sat quietly, trying to mind my own business, reading about J. Lo and Ben's tumultuous relationship in People Magazine. As hard as I tried, I couldn't help but listen, as she first pulled out her lunch bag, then a vase from her knapsack containing the ashes of the above said. Like the sucker I am, I got pulled into the conversation.
I suppose she mistook my complete disbelief for sympathy.
She proceeded to ask me if I thought it was appropriate for her to have to arrange a funeral for someone she did not know. I responded that if she was carrying around ashes on her back, in her knapsack with her lunch, that I likely was not the right person to ask. Before she could reply, my Physiotherapist came to fetch me from the horror of having to deal with another question.

My therapist Katryzina, was a tall and very pretty woman about 31 or so with dark brown hair to her shoulders. She had an accent that reminded me of a female Schwartzenagger, and the body language of Kramer from Seinfeld. She proceeded to get details of my problems and symptoms, interjecting with the occasional "Ya, das nawt goot!" or "Ya, dis muss bee horwibul fohr yu".

She began my therapy session like any ordinary Physio session, but she had a habit of talking to herself, which I stupidly mistook as questions directed at me.

"Hmmm, Sew, dis muss be dee L5 sciatic joint dat ees kaw-zing awl dee moosle payne?"

I would answer her happily, providing details, when she would stop me mid-sentence.
She quickly told me that she liked to talk out loud during her sessions, so I should just ignore her ramblings.
On her advice, I did so.
I was in my own world (still ignoring her ramblings), curiously wondering how much closer her hand was going to grace my house jewels, when she snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. The session was over, but with a quizzical look in her eyes she asked me "Dew yu half a heering pwoblum? Yu need to onser my questions or eye kawnt hellp yu"

Dumbfounded, I decided to play along with the hard of hearing idea. I wasn't about to let Schwartzenagger get the better of me, especially when she had my leg in her grip. As I got dressed and headed out, I couldn't help but wonder about my bizarre medical and doctoral stories.

Anyhow, my leg still hurts but I have another appointment with a different therapist now.
I'm sure there will be a story coming soon, part two.
I swear I must have sucker written on my head.



Saturday, January 24, 2004

President Bush Defends Sanctity of Marriage

I am trying to curtail my anger and look at President Bush as objectively as I can, but the man is a veritable idiot, and hasn't gained any points with me with the War in Iraq, his No Child Left Behind Act and especially for his recent comments about the sanctity of marriage, which is in direct reference to the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruling in November of 2003 to strike that States ban on same-sex marriage, saying it is unconstitutional and giving state lawmakers six months to craft a way for gay couples to wed.
Now I am not an American, but I do try to follow our sister nations policies and politics closely. We as Canadians are far more in tune with US policies and going-ons, then they are to ours. Not that Canadians are quiet or that we don't have our share of interesting topics to go on (sic Gay marriage, which I will delve into later) - But it has to do with the way we are bombarded by images and media from the States. One isn't likely to surf the tele without crossing some CNN or Fox network broadcast that looks more like a political ad campaign funded by the Presidency.

But I digress. President George Bush is quoted as saying,
"Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Today's decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court violates this important principle. I will work with congressional leaders and others to do what is legally necessary to defend the sanctity of marriage."
Please see http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/11/20031118-4.html

If marriage was such a sacntimonius union, why is it that the going divorce rate is 50% or thereabouts (this number can be debated). If Bush thinks marriage is a "federal definition of marriage as a solely man-woman union" then maybe he should speak to the sanctity of a nation that allows for 55 minute unions (sic Britney Spears) or unions that last less than several years. I know dozens of gay couples who have been together for years (some a decade or more) who were not guaranteed the rights of union under the law becasue they were of the same sex. These loving, monogamous caring couples that I see everywhere, are no different in their love for each other, other than their gender. If only people could remove the sexual act from their minds - because that is what it all comes down to. You mention gay and people think sex. If you could see beyond these limitations people, you would see so much more life and so much more depth.

So is Bush and his administration intolerant and homophobic? Well Bush says that "I do believe in the sanctity of marriage ... but I don't see that as conflict with being a tolerant person or an understanding person". Hmmmm - I guess that explains it, huh?

I never understood any administration that would use their Constitution to take liberties and rights away. The Constitution was enacted (either Canadian or American versions) to protect the basic rights of all citizens under the law. That means everyone, Mr. Bush. You are supposed to use it to expand peoples rights not use it for prejudicial reasons, and remove them - I believe Winnie Stachelberg said something like that recently in some human rights campaign.

Anyhow that's my rant for the day. Now I can sleep better.

By the way, Canada rules and hopefully Martin (ummm- for you Americans that's not Sheen or Steve, but Paul Martin, out Prime Minister), will hold true to his agenda and preserve our rights as humans and citizens to the same rights as all for marriage.

Dating 101 Part deux

It's another late Friday night or early on Saturday morn - I can't tell and I can't sleep. Seems to occur more often than not nowadays.
Barely slept the night before - Not for the lack of trying, but I seem to get into a bad routine of thinking about work and other weird things. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven't written much in the last week or so. All this built up energy waiting to spew forth on paper, or in this case the keyboard.

Anyhow, I told you all that I would try to keep you updated on the dating situation or lack thereof. I haven't been on any dates, but I have joined a few sites to "advertise" myself so to speak. As part of this dating adventure, I decided to join http://www.face-pic.com/epicurist a few days ago on the recommendation of a friend. I'm not sure if people in this world have nothing better to do, but in 4 days I have something like 700 visits. Kinda shocking, and a little unnerving.

This is how the first day went. I got about 40 messages in about 2 hours.
I couldn't answer them all because I am a free user, and they limit the amount of emails you can reply to.

Anyhow, to cut to the chase - I got onto one of their chat sites and some fella sends me a message telling me he thinks I'm cute and tells me his dick size and that he is a top. I didn't ask for the information, but thanked him for the voluntary details. He said he looked at my profile and thought I was "neat" and that my "English was written good".
I replied "it's 'well'".
He replied "huh?"
I knew at this point where the quality of the conversation would go.
I had a look at his profile which had as much substance as a...well, he had no substance. He had no pictures to boot. So I questioned him, and asked for interests, hobbies, stats, etc.

He said he was new to the site and was 46 etc. His profile said he was 35. I queried which he was, and he shot back "What are you a profile Police or purist? "
"No" I replied, "Just honest and a realist. It makes one question the integrety of a person when they don't tell the full truth". I then made some reference to his age at which he replied "old is good"
"Well then, why lie about it?" I asked. By the silence, I knew he obviously was stumped by my question.

Anyhow, the fellow was the least of my worries. I've had to fine tune my profile to essentially weed out or scare as many people away from asking me retarded and inane questions like "Are you Chinese?" Read my fuckin profile, it says right there.

Anyhow, obviously this is not working to my advantage. If I have to use scare tactics I'm not likely to meet anyone. On top of all this, I am getting job requests and people asking to send their resumes to me... what the fucks up with that one?

But honestly, I have chatted with a number of decent guys, but the ratio seems to be about 1:3 (good:dorks). The odds are stacked against me. This unenviable part of my life seems like a Sisyphusian task, but I do admit that I enjoy seeing the complexities and humour in all of it. I am after all, a sucker for humour and sarcasm.

Just wish other people would get it.


Sunday, January 18, 2004

Discrimination towards HIV by Cirque du Soleil

Please support Matt Cusick and his monumental task of fighting against discrimination towards HIV + people. Matt was fired from Cirque du Soliel (a Canadian Company) because he was considered a danger to the company for being HIV+.

Go to http://www.lambdalegal.org/cgi-bin/iowa/cds.html and sign the online petition form.

We need to band together and work for a just society.

Monday, January 12, 2004

www.bushin30seconds.com

www.bushin30seconds.com

Please check out this wicked site. It is an online political advertising movement-slash-contest, that takes aim at the Bush Administration. It is very interesting and quite telling of a Nation that has gone beyond its borders to try to enforce its laws upon other sovereign nations. Go through the site and read the articles as well. You may not agree with everything, but always keep an open mind and make your own opinion.

Friday, January 9, 2004

Molding my own mold

I was on www.friendster.com today, looking at one subscriber’s page and I was awestruck by the number of muscular mesomorphs listed as his friends (I believe it was about 400+). The site of so many "Adonis-like" bodies made me both self conscious and curiously bewildered. Wondering if this was all fueled by jealousy or my own inadequacies, I began to remember my own experiences as I came out as a gay Asian male. The gay community has always promoted the muscular, smooth Caucasian as admirable, desirable and do-able. Now, far be it that I should complain about these fine specimens, but what about us, the slim non-Europeans? As a slim Asian, standing at 6 foot 1, I battled my own personal demons and fears and desperately tried to workout to fit in. I didn't want to take steroids or any supplements, so I was screwed. Trying to attain the Gay body without these drugs would prove to be both futile and a mystique.
A very good friend of mine, who now refers to himself as "a reformed A-List circuit boy", told me that nearly all those Adonis like creatures were likely filled up with more roids than the common cow. Now, before you start sending me hate mail or some such stuff, hear me out.

If these bodies are really the product of steroids and supplements, then are they Real? I recently saw a friend of mine, whom I had not seen since September, and I could not help but notice his "new" body. He was always slim and fairly well toned, but now he was one large piece of meat. I bluntly asked him what he did to get the body so quickly. His answer was a cycle of roids for a period of 8 weeks. I have often wondered if taking steroids would be an option, but another friend tells me that you simply lose most of the mass when you stop the cycles. What's the point? Taking steroids for the rest of your life isn't a choice I would take refuge in. Sure, you get big and muscular, but think of the cons; pimples, acne, smaller testicles, roid rages, damaged livers, kidneys, heart failure.... the list goes on.

I weigh the options, the pros and the cons and I am left with one answer, that I will never fit any particular mold that society has dished out. The good thing is that it doesn’t bother me as much as it once did. I realize that there is a distinct separation from what is real and what is not. I don’t want to get all philosophical, but all of this reminds me of Plato’s Republic and the concept of The Real. I don’t believe everything out there. Not everything is real or what it seems. The image we project or the image that we perceive, is just that, a perception.

Eyes open, open-mind and you will always see truth and things for what they are.

*Have a peek at Michelangelo Signorile's book Life Outside: The Signorile Report on Gay Men: Sex, Drugs, Muscles, and the Passages of Life
http://www.signorile.com/books/index.html

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

Dating Life 101

I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend about his desperate search for a man and significant other. I asked if he was asking for the two together or as separate entities - Not finding my question amusing, he ignored it and continued indicating that he didn't think meeting guys in bars or clubs was a good idea. Nor did he believe that one could find something worthwhile or long-lasting in such arenas.
I didn't disagree with him at the time, but I thought about this and have come to the conclusion that if you end up choosing the places where you should or should not go based on assumptions and biases, you will likely shorten your list of chances. Being a single gay male, I already have enough difficulty trying to find somebody whom I click with who wants to settle down. Besides, I like clubbing and also enjoy the occasional foray into a gay bar to have a few drinks. The problem I seem to have, is discerning what I want and don’t want in a relationship. Actually, scrap that. I know what I want, and I definitely know what I don’t want, so the question begs…

Why am I not meeting the right men?


I really think I should take a course on how to meet men, or at least on how to edit through the ones that are and are not dateable. I have a really bad tendency to just stick things through when in actual fact I should just end it then and there. I think it has a lot to do with my inability to say "no". I could be sitting through an eye-stabbing dialogue about the guys’ ex-boyfriend of 10 years and I will continue to show interest and nod in appreciation or empathy. I’ve realized that I am too fucking patient - that is my problem. When you find the hosts cats more interesting than the host, it's definitely a sign.

The question is how do I recognise these signs and obey them? How do I overcome my fear in telling people I am not interested?

It isn't like I have a shortage in the men I meet. There are plenty of men out there that are dateable, and I am sure that I have met a few of them. It really takes a lot of introspection on a person’s part to realise why you process, analyse and do things, the way that you do. This isn't something most people readily share, let alone share on the WWW for everyone to see, but I suppose if this helps some other foolish soul, then it won't be in vain.

Let me start off by saying that I do not suffer fools gladly. I may be patient, but stupidity irks me. Peeling back a few layers of my complicated self, I have realised that the need for approval and acceptance is something that we all inherently desire. We all need this as an affirmation that we are worthwhile. My inability to say no has a lot to do with my childhood and my need for love from a family that did not display affection physically. I suppose I was disillusioned, growing up in a Western culture where affection and physical love was much more the norm than in Asian culture.
It is a growing and learning process, and I am part of the problem, I admit. Am I Scared of commitment or scared of being hurt? Or am I just scared?

Anyhow, as this Travesty, I call my “Dating Life” continues, I will fill you in. If you have advice, please share it. God knows I need it.

Friday, January 2, 2004

McDonalds - a post party meal

I don't know why I continue to do it, but I swear McDonalds slips heroin or some other addictive additive or drug into their Morning McMeals (say Transfats?). Anyhow, after returning from my New Years celebration at 8pm January 1st (yes, I over did it), and sleeping well into the morning, I instantly had a craving for the Sausage and Egg McMuffin - They really should call it the "grease-filled-heart-stopper". After eating one of those, you won't need to apply lip balm for the rest of the day. Needless to say, the meal went through me as quickly as it went down my throat. It must be those transfats helping grease my lips and intestines at the same time.

(sigh) I really need to find more interesting topics to write about...