I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend about his desperate search for a man and significant other. I asked if he was asking for the two together or as separate entities - Not finding my question amusing, he ignored it and continued indicating that he didn't think meeting guys in bars or clubs was a good idea. Nor did he believe that one could find something worthwhile or long-lasting in such arenas.
I didn't disagree with him at the time, but I thought about this and have come to the conclusion that if you end up choosing the places where you should or should not go based on assumptions and biases, you will likely shorten your list of chances. Being a single gay male, I already have enough difficulty trying to find somebody whom I click with who wants to settle down. Besides, I like clubbing and also enjoy the occasional foray into a gay bar to have a few drinks. The problem I seem to have, is discerning what I want and don’t want in a relationship. Actually, scrap that. I know what I want, and I definitely know what I don’t want, so the question begs…
Why am I not meeting the right men?
I really think I should take a course on how to meet men, or at least on how to edit through the ones that are and are not dateable. I have a really bad tendency to just stick things through when in actual fact I should just end it then and there. I think it has a lot to do with my inability to say "no". I could be sitting through an eye-stabbing dialogue about the guys’ ex-boyfriend of 10 years and I will continue to show interest and nod in appreciation or empathy. I’ve realized that I am too fucking patient - that is my problem. When you find the hosts cats more interesting than the host, it's definitely a sign.
The question is how do I recognise these signs and obey them? How do I overcome my fear in telling people I am not interested?
It isn't like I have a shortage in the men I meet. There are plenty of men out there that are dateable, and I am sure that I have met a few of them. It really takes a lot of introspection on a person’s part to realise why you process, analyse and do things, the way that you do. This isn't something most people readily share, let alone share on the WWW for everyone to see, but I suppose if this helps some other foolish soul, then it won't be in vain.
Let me start off by saying that I do not suffer fools gladly. I may be patient, but stupidity irks me. Peeling back a few layers of my complicated self, I have realised that the need for approval and acceptance is something that we all inherently desire. We all need this as an affirmation that we are worthwhile. My inability to say no has a lot to do with my childhood and my need for love from a family that did not display affection physically. I suppose I was disillusioned, growing up in a Western culture where affection and physical love was much more the norm than in Asian culture.
It is a growing and learning process, and I am part of the problem, I admit. Am I Scared of commitment or scared of being hurt? Or am I just scared?
Anyhow, as this Travesty, I call my “Dating Life” continues, I will fill you in. If you have advice, please share it. God knows I need it.
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