Untitled

The clouds and rain have been heavy
And so have been our hearts.
As the rain falls,
So do our tears.
For we feel the collective sadness
and we weep together.
Brothers and Sisters.

Another friend lost.
All too soon.
But does it matter whether young or old?
It's always too soon.
A life so full of brightness and joy.
Taken, but never forgotten.
Gone, but forever present.

In this sorrow,
The power of their memory brings meaning
For in sorrow and sadness,
We find the true meaning of Life.
One cannot understand Life and Happiness
without understanding Death and Sadness.
I Thank You.

I Thank You for confiding in me.
I Thank You for your braveness.
I Thank You for your smile.
I Thank You for the memories
I Thank You for sharing your story with me
For you too, have touched my Life.
And I will fight on. I will never stop.

Thank you.

Hello Again

Hello. It's been a few years hasn't it? Sorry about that. I've been on that speeding train called Life, and it took me many places. I kind of got lost, found my way again, then got lost, and so forth. But, I met many great teachers and friends, who shared their Life lessons and have helped guide me back. Remember that? Storytelling and relating to one another through our life stories? Trying to understand humanity, and our place in the Universe? Well, I've returned to share my stories and what I learned. Wanna make a lunch date?

Sincerely,
epicurist

Doing the Toronto PWA Friends for Life Bike Rally!!!

I am extremely pleased and excited to be rejoining the Friends for Life Bike Rally for their 12th Year in support of the Toronto People With AIDS Foundation! This will be my 2nd year participating, but my first time as a rider. I look forward to joining the other courageous 400+ riders, which include my partner and many friends. This is an absolutely amazing, life altering experience, and I am so proud of all the men and women who put so much time and hard effort into this important cause. So many of us have been touched by this disease, and we all realize all to well, why we are here. These riders and our supporters are all part of an amazing endeavour to support a community that is all to often forgotten about. Knowing that there is so much community support, gives me even more strength and incentive to do well and make a difference. Your generous donation helps to fund services for thousands of men, women and children living with HIV/AIDS. You will receive a charitable tax receipt for all donations over $20.

If you would like to donate, please go to my pledge site @ http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=816619&LangPref=en-CA

You can also follow me on the bike rally, through my new Blog @ http://followmeonthebikerally.blogspot.com/

Sincerely, Alexander Wu

World AIDS Day

Today, we remember the 40 million people infected with HIV and/or AIDS, and for those who have passed from this cursed disease. The irony that I share my 33rd Birthday with World AIDS Day is not lost on me. I have been hiv+ for almost 5 years now, and for me, looking in the mirror reminds me that every day is World AIDS Day.

We have become complacent in our thoughts, ideas and actions. So many people are still suffering this disease and most of them are suffering with so much less than us. We all share many things in common, but above all is our Humanity, and compassion.

As I write and look at the statistics, tears flow. Please, please, please, I beg of you all, to remember to give or do what you can to fight this disease. Give to your local AIDS charity, hospice or write to your local politicians or community leaders. Help by extending a hand by giving the one thing we value so much these days: your time. Give it willingly and volunteer or spend the time educating yourself, friends, family, and children that this disease is still here, with no cure. It is still here haunting and destroying us and we cannot be complacent about that.

Remember having the disease, does NOT make us diseased. The warm touch of a compassionate heart can heal in so many ways, so please don't turn away.

If you would like to read more about my personal exeriences and struggles, please go to my alternate blog Epicureal Thoughts.

Here are some staggering statistics from Avert:

Estimate

Range

People living with HIV/AIDS in 2006	39.5 million	34.1-47.1 million
Adults living with HIV/AIDS in 2006	37.2 million	32.1-44.5 million
Women living with HIV/AIDS in 2006	17.7 million	15.1-20.9 million
Children living with HIV/AIDS in 2006	2.3 million	1.7-3.5 million
People newly infected with HIV in 2006	4.3 million	3.6-6.6 million
Adults newly infected with HIV in 2006	3.8 million	3.2-5.7 million
Children newly infected with HIV in 2006	0.53 million	0.41-0.66 million
AIDS deaths in 2006	2.9 million	2.5-3.5 million
Adult AIDS deaths in 2006	2.6 million	2.2-3.0 million
Child AIDS deaths in 2006	0.38 million	0.29-0.50 million

Some more statistics:

More than 25 million people have died of AIDS since 1981.

Africa has 12 million AIDS orphans.

At the end of 2006, women accounted for 48% of all adults living with HIV worldwide, and for 59% in sub-Saharan Africa.

Young people (15-24 years old) account for half of all new HIV infections worldwide - around 6,000 become infected with HIV every day.

In developing and transitional countries, 6.8 million people are in immediate need of life-saving AIDS drugs; of these, only 1.65 million are receiving the drugs.

Changing Times...quick news and thoughts....

I'm too busy to make a commentary on every damned thing that has been in the news. There is way too much to comment on, and too little time, but here's a list of things that are on my mind:

1. Dick Cheney believes dunking prisoners is a 'no brainer"? So when did the Geneva Convention become open for interpretation? Read this amazing article, by Heather Mallick. She quotes so precisely that "We don't learn from war; we repeat it. We don't prevent war; we perfect it."
2. When and will these bastards be accountable for their actions and deception?
3. Rumsfeld resigns...well it's about fucking time.
4. Democrats are majority in the House of Representatives...well, it's about fucking time.
5. Hopefully, they will also win in the Senate.
6. Goodbye Santorum!
7. Goodbye Ted Haggard, you Muther prostitute fucking whore of a hypocrite!
8. I wonder if the Religious Right still thinks it can sit Holier Than Thou, and preach to us about the Morals and Ethics of religion?
9. I wonder if the honourable Stephen Harper is cringing at the thought of losing status of Mini Me. 24 Sussex Drive needs to be vacated and fumigated.
   

On a side note, life is going well. Our perpetual renovation and painting is slowly starting up again. My personal artwork is also taking on momentum. Rib Breaker has been in better spirits and state of mind recently, and will soon be massaging again at a new, beautiful clinic in the Beaches, with some friends from another establishment, who have now gone out on their own.

Begging up the Wrong Leg

Yes, yes, yes. I know I am on a hiatus, but this just happened and I had to share it.

RB and I had been visiting a friend of his up along Queen and Strachan for the evening. I had a long day and knew tomorrow would be busy, so we decided to head out after Survivor at 9pm. As we were leaving the building, we saw the streetcar coming. So as not to have to wait another 30 minutes for the next streetcar, we made a mad dash to catch it. At the time, I was also immersed, multi-tasking, by typing away tomorrows schedule with my Crackberry. All of a sudden, a woman of about 50, considerably overweight, wearing a toque and dirty torn grey sweats, who (no offense) looked as though she lived on the streets, popped suddenly out of the bus shelter. She took me by surprise and mumbled something quite incoherently to me. In my haste to catch the streetcar, I couldn't quite make out what she said, but thought she asked:

"Do you have any money?" with nary a smile.

I replied, "No sorry, I don't have any change", and made a gesture by shaking my pockets to explain.

She gave me a dirty look as I passed, but didn't say anything. As I caught up to RB, I noticed he was laughing and it occurred to me she had also asked him the same question. It then occurred to me that she wasn't asking for money. What she really said was,

"Would you like some company?" with nary a smile.

Aside from being gay, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want her company if every man on this planet were dead and she was the last transexual with a big penis. Although, I may have thought it, I would never say such a mean thing. I couldn't help but wonder who would want her company, but felt terrible that my response may have left her thinking she wasn't worth my change.

continued hiatus

It's been a rollercoaster of a ride these last few weeks. Emotions have been high and tears have flowed deeply. We are on the mend and life continues, though thoughts of our puppy will always be there.

I wanted to say "Thanks" again to everyone who has given words of encouragement and sympathy. It really has helped, and both Davy and I are thankful for such kind people in our lives.

As a side note, I am going to take some additional time off and think about what it is I want to do with my life. Blogging has been a wonderful experience. I have met many amazing people and have used this medium as an experiment and a therapy. It has helped a great deal with my daily life and I intend to get back to it, but I currently need to focus on other projects, like my painting and art. I have found a renewed passion for it, and have put my heart and hand to the canvas once again.It truly is a remarkable feeling, regaining passion for something that I once loved, then lost.

I will see you all soon, and will be back in a couple of weeks. Until then, be well and take good care of yourselves.

Much Love,
epi (aka Alex)

Goodbye my baby

For 15 years, she remained my companion and friend. She comforted me in my darkest moments and was the source of so much joy. She never judged me and forgave me for every trespass, greeting and loving me every day I came home. I loved her more than words can say, and tearfully after a long struggle, we had to let her go. She tried so hard to remain by our side, fighting so valiantly and faithfully, but we know we made the right decision. Though our pain and sadness is great and deep, her pain was far greater and we knew keeping her would be nothing less then selfish.


Goodbye my sweet baby. My sweet Kalyx. I will always love you.
Sleep, sleep well and know I will always remain your loyal companion.

Love Always,
Alex and Davy

In Gods name...

September 22, 2006

Indonesian Executions Lead to Violence

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Filed at 6:45 a.m. ET

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Published: September 22, 2006

PALU, Indonesia (AP) -- Christian mobs torched cars, blockaded roads and looted Muslim-owned shops in violence touched off by Friday's executions of three Roman Catholics convicted of instigating attacks on Muslims.

-------------------------------------------

I actually saw this article on Andy's Last Debate and was so infuriated that I had to actually post my own commentary.

Oh, the hypocrisy that has been made of religions and this notion of justice and god's love. Andy had titled his post "Do Unto Others". Whether he was quoting the Bible, where it is probably most well-known for, I am not clear. However, it should be noted that very similar phrases appear in many Ancient texts and/or dialogues, from Socrates to Confucious to the Koran and Talmud. My point is that if all these religions and philosophers have spouted similar ideas of good deeds and of neighbourly love, where then, are the good deeds and neighbourly love?

"Where's the Beef" I ask?

A little mathematical equation pops in my head, everytime something like this happens:

Bible(Human inability to think for themselves) + Koran(Human inability to think for themselves) = stupidity

This is what happens, when you take a human construct like the Bible/Koran/whatever, that speaks of doing good deeds in one text, then of "smiting" in others, and the human need to define themselves by something other than their own brain. Again, the hypocrisy.

"Do Unto others" indeed. Maybe they are all masochists, seeking sexual pleasure in their annihilation. This simply solidifies the belief that religion, rather than being an instrument of love and spiritual growth, has been bastardised into an instrument for personal agendas.

"In the name of Allah"
"In God we Trust."
"God Bless America"
"God will protect us..."

Every damned person and every damned leader is calling god to their side, and each believes that they will prevail with god's power and their blind faith. If this wasn't a sign that god has a cruel sense of humour, nothing does.

I apologise, if this offends the sensibilities of religious folk, but in all honesty, all this "in the name of "put name of god here" bullcrap offends my sensibilities as a human being.

Everyone seems to be invoking god's name as the reason for their crusades. It is infantile and disgusting. Personal responsibility has been shirked under god's protection, so that leaders and individuals will have a clearer conscience for the murder or persecution of others who do not follow their faith.

So people, do your god a favour and leave him/her alone. I'm pretty sure s/he has better things to do, like creating a star than dealing with your stupidity and intolerance.

Amen.

A new Blog starting

Hi All,

I am starting a new blog, letters-from-the-past that will contain written Diary entries and letters from others, over the past 20 years. It was a little project I wanted to start sometime ago, but soon realised it was a lot bigger than I thought. Sorting through the hundreds of paper entries chronologically has been a difficult task, so I have decided to enter them randomly, with the only caveat being that they were moments in my life that signified a momentous change in thought or behaviour.

I am in a far different place, emotionally and spiritually these days. It is still a struggle at times, but I find comfort in knowing I have grown and shown some maturity in my aging.

I won't be stopping my other Blogs. This will be a workling project. An anthology I suppose of my thoughts and emotional growth.


Cheers,
Epi

Give a dog a Bone

Did you get the recent Canadian Ikea catalogue delivered to your home? Turn to the page 2 insert and have a look at the dog and tell me if something looks odd.



Need a closer look?

Apparently, the story was that a disgruntled employee superimposed his penis on the dog. That according to an Ikea spokesperson, is not true. The "penis" is in fact the dogs leg. The dog has now been given the nickname "Swedish Sausage". I don't know what kind of breed this dog is, but I think the father is John Holmes

Summer Updates

The summer has been great. Hot and beautiful, just the way I like it. Life has been rather uneventful, thus I haven't been posting much. My dog Kalyx, however celebrated her 15th birthday in mid June. I took her to the Vet to get a check-up as she is beginning to show her age these days. She's having difficulty going to the washroom and hass gotten a bit more incontinent.

The vet says it's the natural progression, but was still flabbergasted that she was doing so well for her breed being a Shephard Cross. Anyhow, we're trying to keep her as comfy and happy as possible, and part of her treatment is to keep her entertained and mentally alert, so we have been teaching her tricks to perform. From these videos, you would think she was still a puppy!

Kalyx tricks: Liver Treats


Kalyx tricks at Age 15

HNT

Both pictures were taken May 24 at the Chalet (Thanks to IrishBoy for helping me take these). Happy HNT!

I am still taking time off from the Blogdom working on a few things, specifically my tan. I'm not quite so pale anymore, as the picture depicts. Hope the Summer is going well for all of you.

And no, my eyes are not blue or grey. It was the reflection of the clouds at dusk.

Summer vacation

Heya All,

Going with the absent theme, I am going to continue my vacation through the Summer. I ay post every now and then, but think I've exhausted the blogging neurons for the moment. Pride Week in Toronto has already begun and tomorrow is the first big date for partying, when the streets close down, and a million or so people revel and celebrate in the history and diverseness of our Community. I look forward to the celebrations, the sun, the hot sweaty men and the booze.

I'll post pictures after.

Cheers.

I'm an Uncle

Yay! I'm an Uncle!

Congratulations to my brother and sister-in-law! She gave birth to a healthy girl, 7 pounds 6oz. She looks kinda mushed up right now (the baby, not the mother), but is super cute with lots of hair and a ferocious appetite. Mum was in labour for 15 hours with no epidural. I don't know how she did it, but she did very well and looked great despite the long labour.

Obviously, I haven't had much time to post and likely will be absent for a bit more. Take care for now and I'll hopefully get a chance to catch up on your blogs soon.

Victoria Long Weekend in Review

The weekend was pretty chockful of activities and I am still tired from all the different events. Friday, I went to see The DaVinci Code. I can't say that I was all that impressed, but thought there were some good moments during the flick. I guess I always find it difficult to watch a movie after I have read the book. They simply never seem to do them justice. That evening, RB and a slew of other friends went to a cocktail party at Miso Honi's place. Saturday, 7 friends and I drove North to a friends Chalet in Beaver Valley, which is situated on a beautiful private ski resort. Saturday's weather was beautiful and I took a hike on my own in the late afternoon. It was nice to get away and be alone and bond with nature again. Skiing was obviously shutdown, but a major storm came through and gave us a bit of winter on the Sunday morning. We returned Sunday afternoon, then headed out to a club for a bit of dancing. Don't have much time to post more, so I've posted some pics.

Saturday: ski hills and valley. The hills are quite steep and it took me an hour to get down the hills and back around.

ski machinery graveyard. I love Urban decay. Beauty exists everywhere.

Sunset: snow making machines

Urban decay: snow making machine graveyard

Sunset and a babbling brook

Hat antics: We found the hats and decided to have an impromptu hat party. As you can tell, we could barely keep a straight face.

Miso Honi and his Episcopalian costume found in the closet. I almost peed in my pants watching him pose.

Snow Sunday morning. Yes, it was May 21.

My Fan base leaves me wondering what's wrong with them.

Curious to find out who my fans were I decided to follow in Tornwordo's footsteps and do a Traffic search on my blog. This is what showed up in the search engines that directed people to my site:

pimples on testicles - referencing these posts: 1, 2
emotional damage from childhood enemas - referencing these posts: 1, 2, 3

For the record, I do not and never had any pimples on my nuts, thank you very much. I keep them, clean, groomed and well scrubbed. Two, I never had a childhood enema, and none of my adult ones ever resulted in any psychological fuck up, just a good clean fuck.

Who comes up with these qeuries and most importantly WHY?

BBQ Chicken and the roasting of traditionalism

Growing up in a household where the preferred method for dealing with family issues, was to ignore them and remain in silence, taught me at an early age that personal issues were a dirty topic. There is a saying in Chinese that “We do not wash our dirty laundry in public” and it says a lot about the traditional ways of the Chinese culture.

When I came out to my parents and brother almost 18 years go, I had imagined at the time that they would accept and love me unconditionally, despite these traditions. I was naive, and didn't understand that the culture and traditions of my people were instilled so deeply in my parents.. I didn't realise that my parents had invested in me their dreams of a future. Dreams quite different from mine own, and my telling them that I was gay, would smash those dreams on the rocks of reality.

In all of this, I discovered that these cultural ideas of respect and honour were also instilled in me. I knew that I would bring shame on my family if I spoke about being gay, so I kept my mouth shut and went back into the closet for 4 more years, all the while becoming more curious about experimenting and living my life truly as the person I was.

I was young and confused. Tortured and lost. In addition to the Cultural responsibility, I was also raised in a Catholic home, went to an all-boys Catholic school, and my grandfather was an evangelical reverend. I had more than my share of baggage and realised very quickly that my being gay was not going to be easy. The 80’s had just passed, and being gay was still looked upon with derision. The AIDs epidemic fueled the stigma of gays as a disease on society and I was only too aware of it. My parents and family though liberal in many ways, were traditionalists when it came to family and their children. Yet, I still held out, believing that love was unconditional and that it would rise above all things.

However, as the years passed the hope that I would be embraced with family approval and love began to fade and I psychologically acceded that my parents and family would never want anything to do with my "gay' lifestyle. The idea that your family is not supportive of you in any endeavour is hard enough. Believing that they want nothing to do with your partner and future family is even harder. It was particularly hard attending family events and holiday get togethers, watching everyone interact with each others husband, wife, daughter or son, all the while unable to talk about yours. I always wondered if they knew how I felt, or how lonely and isolated I was from my family. Though we saw each other fairly regularly, I was always mindful that there was a wedge in our relationship, because I was unable to share my life, joys and happiness with them.

However, everything comes full circle. This past Saturday, my brother Woozy celebrated his 35th Birthday and he and his wife J sent out an email earlier in the week to me, inviting me and RB to the bbq. This invite meant more to me than they could possibly imagine. For 17 years, my identity as a gay man and any relationship I ever had was never discussed with my family, and never acknowledged.

All anybody in this world wants is to be Acknowledged.

So, I arrived at my brothers place mid-afternoon and prepared the BBQ withmy sister-in-law. RB was still working so he didn’t arrive till 8ish after all my brothers friends, and in-laws had arrived. Upon RB’s arrival, my brother and sister-in-law greeted him warmly and introduced him to the family and friends. It was an amazing experience for me, because for the first time I felt a bond and connection to my family that I hadn’t experienced before. My brother, wife and all her siblings and their partners welcomed us and treated us equally. I didn’t feel like a cast-off, nor did I feel any trepidation, fear or embarrassment about my life and partner. We were welcomed as part of the family and I was so full of happiness and pride that I was beaming and glowing. To feel equal in the eyes of those you love and to know they mean it, is something I know I will never take advantage of again.

So, I am very thankful. I am thankful that people do change for the better and that I was proven wrong. I am thankful that a new stage in my life has opened up, and that I no longer need to feel ashamed of anything. And I am most thankful for my brother and his wife for looking at me straight in the eyes, and acknowledging RB and I for who we are. Partners and Lovers, No different than they.

What’s more, I left knowing that I no longer had any dirty laundry.

Summerts

Last night, RB and I headed over to visit his friend Scott, whom we hadn't seen in a couple of months. We had dinner, chatted and later relaxed with a rolled dessert and headed home after 9pm. We got on the streetcar and headed East back to the City. As we were cruising along Queen St. West, we were marvelling at how much the neighbourhood had changed in the last 15 years. It was trendy and high-end funky boutiques were everywhere. As we passed the GAP, RB looked quizzically out the window.

RB: "What the hell are Summerts?"
Me (now looking out the window): "A what?"
RB: "What are Summerts?"
Me: "Where the hell are you looking?
RB: "Over there at the GAP."
Me: "I have no idea what your talking about."
RB: "Oh wait....ummm. forget it. (Starts laughing hysterically)
Me: "What?
RB: "Umm it said Summer T's"

6 degrees of separation & a Thought

Last night, RB, a friend of his, and I went to an opening for a photo exhibit of Thailand after the Tsunami. The pictures were taken by RB's co-worker Maggie, while she was visiting there on a trip shortly after the disaster. Maggie had gone with her friend Lisa to the devastated region and both returned with pictures and decided to do an exhibit with the proceeds going to the Tsunami Relief Fund.

I decided to call my best friend Anne-Marie (aka Babycakes) to see what she was doing and if she wanted to go. It turns out that her colleague was Maggie's cousin and they were all heading there together to support her. We laughed at the irony of it all and how people were connected. When I got to the cafe where the exhibit was taking place, a familiar voice called out my name. I turned and there was my co-worker standing in the doorway. It seems his fiance is the cousin of Lisa and they too were there to support.

All of this got me thinking about the Six Degrees of Separation Theory proposed by Frigyes Karinthy in 1929. The theory is that everyone on the planet is somehow connected to another person on the planet through a chain of no-more than 4 other acquaintances. The idea that we are all connected in some way, gives me comfort and makes me feel closer to each person I know. It also makes me wonder why there is so much hatred, bitterness and strife in this world. If we are all connected, are not each of us brothers and sisters? I know the thought is rather juvenile and I realise that the politics of the world can't be reduced to such simplicity. But what if they were? Imagine what we could do or accomplish if we all thought of each other as a connected network of family and friends.

Imagine no more hate, pain, famine or war.

The beauty of it all seems so clear in my mind, but I realise that I am a dreamer and that the reality of life on this planet is far more complicated than this one theory. But I still have hope that things will change and that possibly you or I can illicit change through our network of connections.

So, with this in mind, I proposition you all on a project that I have been ruminating upon. To some, the idea may seem rather foolish or bizarre, but I believe there is something in this idea that can potentially make a change, be it in society, yourself, or the World.

Maybe all.

There is a need for change. A need for compassion and understanding in our World, that I think we have forgotten about. Our lives have become so complex and frenetic, what with our jobs, families, social lives and own personal issues, that we have lost sight of the other role we play as members of a Global community. My belief is that through action we can often discover something beautiful in ourselves and others, and that it will plant a seed for change. I believe that every person in this world is connected in some way, and that a single action of good can start a wave that will continue and travel across the globe. Just imagine the following scenario, which I recently experienced:

You are walking down the street. The ominous clouds indicate imminent rain and everyone is rushing about, focused on their own worries and destinations. Then, out of the blue, your briefwork bag breaks and the contents spread across the sidewalk, the wind carrying many of your work papers across the street. You stop, curse and can’t believe your day is going to shit, when a stranger begins to pick your papers up in front of you and out of the gutter. Another person sees that person, realises what is happening and also begins to help. Soon people across the street are running about and into the street to assist. You are dumbfounded, but also immensely grateful to these strangers. Soon, all is recovered. Everyone smiles and your Thanks are noted and everyone carries on with their day.

You, continue to work, smiling despite having your papers in disarray. You are thankful and feel a bit of warmth that others were so kind. The strangers in turn, walk away with a slight spring to their step. They too realise that they have done something kind and that it may have helped this stranger. No names, numbers or words were exchanged, yet everyone feels the same warmth, the same sense of community. These people continue this sense of well-being through the day, and it is infectious and without realising it, they have affected hundreds of people indirectly, through one single act of kindness.

I suppose, none of this is all that new. People always talk about doing good things, and many people do. As I mentioned, I have a project in mind that I have been working on for a year or more that I hope will come to fruition. All of my recent experiences have indicated that I need to do more with my life and that I need to give back. I've never been one to believe in destiny, but I am beginning to wonder if everything that is or has happened to me has some reason. I hate getting all spiritual and philosophical about it, but just stay tuned, as I may need your advice, help or hand.

Much love,
Epi

P.S. I realise that this post is the epitomy of tangential thinking, but my thought process tends to run like a train wreck, from one thing to the other until I actually find some valuable lesson from my experiences.

Coppers

As some of you may know, my work is rather eclectic in that it is technical, but revolves around planning, design, consultation and technical support. One of my clients happens to be the Toronto Police, so yesterday I went out on a field ride in one of their off-duty unmarked cruisers. We were doing some technical network tests around the Danforth (a street in Toronto), where they were experiencing some latency issues. The area is known for it's problems and gangsta-style kids who walk around with attitude and pants that hang at their knees.



Our tests required numerous stops, U-Turns and circling of the area. Obviously, this made residents rather suspicious and to be honest, the unmarked cruiser isn't all that inconspicuous to most kids and residents in the area, who probably thought we were doing some surveillance. What we didn't expect was to be pulled over by another on-duty cruiser.

Our driver, who is part of the Police Force, but within the I.T unit pulled over, and started to laugh and joke about how this had never happened before. We turned on the radio and tuned into the frequency for that Police division:

Dispatcher: Officer pulling over suspected 2-0-8.
Officer: We have the cruiser pulled over. No obvious signs of damage. Three visible occupants. I don't think this is the 2-0-8. Description does not match.
Dispatcher: Your orders are to intercept and contact this 2-0-8. Proceed please.
Officer: Approaching driver side. It is an off duty unmarked cruiser, but it looks like...

The officer comes into sight and looks at us and starts to laugh and says to us:

Officer: Hmmmph, I thought that was what this was.
Our driver: Heya, how are you officer?
Officer: Good, thanks. Sorry, we were ordered to pull you over.
OD: What's going on?
Officer: One sec.
Oficer (to dispatcher): Cancel the 2-0-8 . It's one of our Mobile I.T cruisers. Will update shortly. Over.
Officer (turns back to us, smiling): So, I assume you guys are testing the dead spots?
OD (pointing at us): Yeah, these guys are from (company) and are on the run with us to troubleshoot.
Officer: Nice to meet ya. Sorry for the scare. We just got a call in that there was a stolen unmarked Police cruiser, that was on a rampage driving into other cars. Apparently you have been driving in circles and were seen as suspicious by 2 other cruisers.

How much more excitement can I ask for? Woo Hoo?

Cirque de So Gay and Maidens of the Mist

Aside from being too lazy to post, I've been rather busy with home renovations, painting canvasses and catching up on reading. In the midst of all this, I have had the chance to do a few fun things on the weekend. A few weeks ago, a group of friends, and co-workers went to the Toronto School of Circus Arts, where we learned to Trapeze. It was incredibly fun and it helped me conquer some major obstacles and fears with heights. I did quite well for myself, and completed a number of different tricks. Pictures unfortunately were forbidden during this lesson, but I was able to get a video of RB doing his act during a previous visit, video provided below (I'm climbing the ladder on the left):

This past weekend, 2 of my friends, Paulina and Dragonfly took a day trip to Niagara Falls, where I tried my virginal hand on the slot machines with all the Blue hairs and obviously die-hard addicts. I stopped at a loss of $25.00 and vowed to never play again. A complete waste of money, but an expereince nonetheless. After walking about, we visited the Inniskillin winery, which was packed with tourists, most notably Japanese and Chinese, who for some reason absolutely LOVE Ice wine. A great time was had by all, and I've posted a few pics below.

The drive in Paulina's new car. I just had a Redbull, can you tell?

Spring along the Niagara Canadian Side.

Daffodils...god I love Spring!

Dragonfly, Paulina and me

Me and Paulina

Maiden of the Mists

Maiden of the Mists and rainbows

The Falls

The Falls

The view from the Canadian side.

Dragonfly and Paulina

Paulina and me posing

HNT and nothing new

Sorry all. I know I promised that I would be a bit more active in the blogdom, but work has been been busy, as has life. So here are 2 pictures of me at work.

HNT: Half Nekkid Thursdays...(ahem) Friday

I realise I am fully nude here, but you only see half of me so I think it qualifies. I had just woken up to dawn and decided that I had better participate...better late than never. Got the camera. Setup. Done.
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I've been busy, but I'll be back soon to actually post something of interest.

Happy HNT!

Balanced with an Explanation

Well, I guess an explanation is due. I didn't mean to sound so cryptic or to set off alarms with y'all, but I was going through some peculiar events the last 3 weeks which I was not accustomed to.

Let me explain.

I have been seeing a rheumatologist for the last 9 years for various joint and rheumatic issues, and was diagnosed with a series of diseases such as Ankylosing Spondylitis, Sjogren's Syndrome and intermittent sciatica. In the medical melee, I was also diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and was seeing a Gastroenterologist for that. I know, I know. Makes me sound like an medical mess, but trust me, I live a rather healthy and normal lifestyle.

Anyhow, both specialists separately decided to prescribe the Tricyclic anti-depressant Amitriptyline (Elavil, Endep) to treat the pain and symptoms. Apparently, using these anti-depressants, helps with neural damage by blocking pain messages to the brain, or by helping in the production of endorphins (body's natural pain killers). The dosage was low, but the effects were psycho-traumatic for me. I started to feel anxious and was losing concentration both at home and at work. I couldn't focus on the smallest of tasks and began to have unnerving thoughts that I was going crazy. I felt as though I was outside of my body and that I had no control over my life or thoughts. I was manic one moment, then depressed 10 minutes later.
To top it all off, I started having bizarre dreams where I was running or being chased. I literally thought I was losing my mind. The emotional and characteristic changes did not go unnoticed by friends, colleagues or RB. My general disposition is one of a happy-go lucky individual, but the drug brought out a very dark and paranoid side.

All of this began to culminate on Sunday, when I was painting and went into a manic painting frenzy. Over the following 3 days, I had numerous anxiety attacks, and decided to stop the medication completely. I am back to normal now, and am glad to be sane again. It really was not an experience I would want to re-live, but it put some perspective on what it is like for all those out there who deal with depression or anxiety. I won't ever discount their feelings again.

Trust me.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you to all of you who commented or sent messages my way. You truly have no idea how much it meant to me to have support from you all! XOXOXO

Balancing Act

Hi All,

Life has been rather hectic as of late and my priorities have had to shift to accomodate. I have a few personal things to work out, but worry not, I am well otherwise. Thanks for all the emails and comments as to my whereabouts.

I have realised that without steady structure in my life, I tend to spiral out of control. I am susceptible to erratic behaviour when I lose sight of my goals and ambitions, and this can be a very scary thing. I am not one that gives control and power away easily, and have found that when any one aspect of my life is in unsychronized, I am thrown for a loop. For me, everything must be in balance for things to function well. I am usually very good at keeping things in check, but as of recent, I've been walking around a little off kilter.

As you can tell, I have taken some time off. I am cleaning house right now and getting my brain, spirit and body back on track, and will be back soon.

Cheers,
epi

I Must, I Must, I Must increase my Bust.

I am sore. Aching actually. Every move that I make hurts and I love it.

Rib Breaker and I have been working out fiendishly the last 2 weeks and I hope to continue with the momentum. I have always been on the slim and ectomorphic side and I now have a desire to bulk up and increase muscle mass. It takes a lot of work and I am finding the results quite promising. So, if any of you have suggestions and tips on how to gain effective weight and muscle mass please let me know. I already have a very high metabolism and consume close to 3000 plus calories a day. My goal is to stay trim and focus on core muscle groups like my back and Abs as well as add to my very flat chest. I would love to achieve part of this before summer so that the shirt can come off without feeling embarrassed or skinny, so wish me luck.

Happy HNT!

I've been incredibly busy the last few weeks, so I apologise for the lack of posts and visits to your Blogs. The cold grey weather is making me long for the warmth of summer, so in honour of the Summer Sun, I am posting a picture of last year.

Happy HNT!

Peeling back the Layers

We woke up early for a Saturday morning, as we had a busy day ahead. We rushed about the home in preparation, dashing out of the doors just after 8am. We walked briskly. The March sun was trying to poke it's way through the clouds, but old man winter was doing it's best to hold tight. Each time the wind took a swing at us, it took a chunk of warmth right out of our exposed flesh. It was bitterly cold. Mother Nature was being a tease and all I could think of was Spring and it's promise of warmth. We borrowed a friend's car and headed out for our trip to visit Rib Breaker's dad in Trenton. I had never met his dad, but had seen a few pictures at Rib Breaker's old apartment and on our trip to visit his mum in North Bay back in November.

The last they saw each other was September of last year, and RB had been wanting to go for sometime now. We headed East on the 401 arriving just after 11am. His father worked for the Canadian Military and Trenton AFB was one that he had worked at for a number of years. It was where RB was born and I got a glimpse into his world as a child. RB drove me around Trenton and pointed out the homes where he had lived. One such house he told me was so old and dillapidated that the home was insulated with bales of hay. In the winter time, the only source of heat was from a small woodstove that barely produced enough heat to keep them warm. The picture he painted was one of a tough childhood, with little money. He told me, on the really cold days he would wake up early and fill the tub with hot water and go sleep in there so that he could shake off the chill. He also told me that he could only draw the water slowly, or else pebbles would come rolling out of the faucet. I kept thinking, "do people really live like that?" How could people in a wealthy nation live in such poverty. I had always lived quite comfortably, even after my family went bankrupt on a business venture back in the early 80's. It was sobering to think that I might have complained about my living situation when he could barely keep himself warm on a winter morning.

We eventually drove into Trenton and got to his Dad's place. It was a small house shouldered between the Bay of Quinte and the Trent river. His father greeted us at the door with his dog Keisha. His father was slender with shoulder length silver blonde hair, soft kind blue eyes and an even softer voice. The resemblance was uncanny. He grabbed RB and they hugged for what seemed an eternity. I had to avert my eyes. It was such an intimate moment and I didn't want to intrude. I have noticed in RB, this incredible sensitivity and soft heart. He dons this tough protective mask a lot of the times, but in reality he's just a 10 year old kid in a 38 year old man's body. His love is unconditional and pure. They hugged, and kissed and it warmed the cold ktchen and me. Father and son together again.

We sat casually around the kitchen table as though we had been there just a week ago. Shooting the shit, we chatted about each other and his 16 year old dog, who kept waddling over for more treats. RB's older sister, boyfriend and her daughter came just after noon and we all sat around chatting and laughing. Rb's niece just had a baby boy 2 weeks prior and this was the first RB got to meet him. He was adorable and so tiny. RB took 2 week old Logan and cradled him, then fed and burped him. Watching him, made me fall in love with him all over again.

We spent the day in the kitchen. The silence was sometimes awkward but not uncomfortable. I sensed in David the years of loneliness and frustration of being away from his family and understood more, why he was the way he was. We headed out for dinner which RB and I paid for, then headed back to his dad's place, where we sat for a bit longer before bidding our farewells. I didn't want to push him. I know he could have sat and stayed there forever.

When we finally got up, he first hugged his sister, then his dad. Tears flowed and they didn't say much. His father turned to me with a great big smile, his eyes twinkling, but rimmed in sadness and said "You take good care of him, alright?" They all had the same eyes. Piercing blue, grey rimmed with years of hardship and pain, yet all that emanated from them was love and kindness. I just nodded my head and hugged him again.

We drove home in relative silence. There wasn't much to say as I knew the trip would be hard on him. When we got into the comforts of our home, RB began to cry and I consoled him, the way he had with me 2 weeks past. When his crying subsided, we spoke softly to each other and he fell asleep in my arms.

There are few things in life more precious than seeing true genuine love. Before RB, I never understood what love was or could be. When we met, I thought I was the one who would teach him or fix him, and in the end, it was he who fixed me.

Babycakes, I love you

There have been many people in my life who have given me strength and support, through good times and bad. I love these people with all my heart and I am thankful for their constancy and stalwart strength with which I draw upon. There are many to mention, but for the purposes of this post, I will speak of one who speaks volumes and whom I am indebted to for life.

Anne-Marie (aka Annie) and I met back in 1999 while in Montreal during the Black & Blue Festival. We met through other mutual friends who now form a Core group of closely knit friends, that we fondly refer to as the Cottage Crew. Annie and I, quickly became friends. Her beautiful smile and warm heart drew me to her and we were instantly connected. I was 26 and finding my way in life and decided to move in with Annie and her other roommate in 2000. Their third roomie was leaving so I was filling in a gap. As we became closer, our relationship intensified and we spent all our time together. She was my Grace and I was her Will. We knew every intimate detail about each other and could understand each other without a word. Sometimes it was comical, and sometimes it was tragically dysfunctional, but our friendship was always infinite and absolute.

When I discovered my HIV status in June 2002, she was my rock. There are many others who were there as well, namely the Joy Luck Club whom I also am indebted to for life. That is another intensely personal relationship that I will have to save for another day. Annie was working for the Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research (CANFAR) at the time and the news hit her hard, but she still stood by me and allowed me to grieve and cry on her shoulder.

As time progressed we became even closer and it is now a relationship that I find difficult to express in words. There are no words that can do it justice. There is an understanding and a compassion there that we both share. I am her Monkey and she is my Babycakes. It will never change. It can only grow stronger.

Babycakes, I love you and will always be there for you as you have always been there for me.